"WAKE UP!" Krystina yelled at Julie's recumbent form. "A NEW EVIL IS RISING, SO GET YOUR LAZY A$$ OUT OF BED."
Julie muttered something inaudible and, without waking up, rolled over in a way that made her pillow cover as much of her ears as possible. Krystina sighed, carefully sharpened her claws on a bedpost and forcefully applied them to Julie's neck.
The leap would have impressed Julie's PE teacher, who (quite correctly) thought of her as a lazy b*tch with no sense for sports, had he been in the room at the moment Krystina’s claws made impact. The end result was that Julie lay crumpled on top of her wardrobe and Krystina hung from the ceiling lamp emitting a steady stream of swearwords.
After they had both managed to come down they just sat and glared at each other for fully 20 minutes until Krystina remembered her original errand.
"As I was saying..." Krystina begun.
"Whatever it
was it can't have been important enough to justify waking me up at
"AS I WAS SAYING!" the now rather annoyed cat continued (ignoring Julie’s constant grumblings). "A new evil is rising, and it is your duty as the leader of the Sailor Senshi to organize a defense that can stop this horrible new threat."
"A new evil? AGAIN?? Is there no end to those things???"
As her stupid questions didn't seem to alter reality, Julie sighed and asked a more sensible question (amazing, isn't it?):
"So who's it this time?"
"I will tell you all you need to know when all the Senshi are gathered."
The Senshi were gathered (and filled up the bathroom quite well, even though Alexia was absent) and eight pairs of eyes were looking at Krystina (Bob was admiring herself in the mirror).
"We are all here." Special K said.
"Well duh..." Bob said, rolling her eyes.
Valerie tried to hit Bob with the big mallet that she'd started using for anti-Bob purposes, but was stopped by Lisa.
"Why have we been called to this meeting?" Eva asked.
"I have sensed a great disturbance in the scores." Krystina answered.
"The force? Like in Star Wars?" Mallory said. "Not that I watch that stuff."
"No. The scores. Look at these score charts."
Three papers appeared on the floor. On them was written the outcome of recent soccer games in and around Loserville, the pattern was clear (except to Bob, who REALLY wasn't paying attention): The Loserville Suckers (Loserville's only official team) had lost all games with at least fourteen goals, except for those happening in the past three weeks (they were lost with only 1-3 goals). The last game on the paper ended 1-1.
"This is impossible!" Mallory shouted. "The Loserville Suckers haven't scored a goal since 1969, and that was against a junior girl team!"
"Indeed, it is impossible." Krystina said. "But even so, it is happening. That's why I suspect supernatural intervention."
"Super-what?" Valerie asked.
"I believe something strange is going on." Krystina translated (spending her time around the Senshi had made her quite good at translating 4+ syllable words into Englishformorons). “And when I went down to check, I sensed a strong evil aura around one person.”
"Who?" The Senshi asked in unison.
"None other than their new mascot, THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum)."
"NOOOOOOO, NOT THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum)!" the Senshi screamed.
"Yes, even though it is horrible, it is still THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum)"
At the same time in the LAIR OF DOOM (mournful wolf howl)
"You summoned me, master." THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum) said, looking humble (or at least humbled).
"YES." a figure in the shadows said with a raspy voice. "WHILE YOUR EFFORTS ON CONVERTING THE LOSERVILLE SUCKERS TO MY SERVICE ARE COMMENDABLE, THERE IS A MORE IMPORTANT MATTER FOR YOU TO TAKE CARE OF. A GROUP OF DO-GOODERS ARE THREATENING MY EVIL PLAN.
"Ah, these would be the Sailor Senshi you told me about. Just tell me what to do with them and I will take care of it.
"I WANT THEM TO DESPAIR, CRUSH EVERY LAST GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THEIR HEARTS. MAKE THEM THINK THEY ARE POWERLESS MORONS WHO DON'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST ME AND MY MINIONS."
"As you command, master. I will see to it immediately."
When THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum) had left, the figure settled down and watched soccer.
Yet another half-hour later, still in Valerie’s bathroom
"So we are agreed," Krystina said, glad that the discussion of moronic strategies had ended. "We go down to the soccer field and, to use Julie’s words, kick some bad guy a$$ (this was the best strategy the Senshi managed to come up with after 30 minutes of frantic discussion)."
"YAY," the Senshi chorused, and then felt rather stupid for doing so.
Suddenly, there was a bright white light. When it disappeared they saw a rather fat man with a white leather suit and the unmistakable Elvis hairdo standing in the middle of the room.
"It's him!" Krystina gasped. "Quickly, transform!"
"Not so fast!" THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum) said and slung a guitar off his back. "Merry Amnesia Melody Attack!
He played a merry little jingle and suddenly no one could think of anything else than that annoying little tune, let alone something as complicated as their transformation lines.
"As you see, you are powerless before me... Heavy Harbinger of Helpless Hopelessness!”
The resulting melody turned the girls’ unusually large egos into small pathetic quivering things as their eyes clouded with black despair.
"See you later, loser,." THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum) said and disappeared.
A few minutes later, Julii Kevates appeared in a burst of light, looked at the despairing Senshi and said:
"Oh sh*t, I'm late. MOO MEGA MASTER TRANSFORMATION"
She started to spin around naked in the air, and emerged as Sailor Moo.
"Super Secret Soda Hyper!" she shouted.
A sticky high sugar high caffeine soda started to gush into the open mouths of the Senshi. The artificially induced hyper slowly started working on the removal of black depression.
Later (when all the Senshi had cheered up and the hyper had passed)
"I'm sure you wonder who I am." Julii said. "My name is Julii Kevates and...
"Wait, let me guess." Julie interrupted. "You are somehow related to me and you have traveled through time to tell us how to defeat the new evil.”
"Yes. How did you know?”
"This kind of thing always happens to me."
"Well I'm your reincarnation from the future. I was born 200 years after you drowned in a sticky lake.”
"Wait, I'm confused!" Said guess who.
Julie rolled her eyes.
"I move to the land of milk and honey after my divorce, remember. I guess somebody pushed me into one of the lakes."
"Well..." J began. "To tell you the truth, you were drunk and kind of stumbled on your own feet..."
"WHAT ABOUT THEM THEN!" Julie shouted over the others laughter. "DIDN'T THEY DIE STUPID DEATHS?"
"Actually, they were too drunk to walk and kind of held on to you for support when you fell into the lake. All of them drowned except for Niki, who drank the milk and honey until she exploded.
"Niki died a glutton’s death." Bob chortled.
Both Valerie and Niki tried to disembowel Bob but they where (regrettably) stopped by Lisa.
"And what about the new evil?" Krystina asked.
"Go to The Seventh Star, turn left and seek the Holy Cow. Julii said. "With that, I must leave you. Farewell."
There was a burst of light, and she disappeared.
"What was that supposed to mean?" Julie asked.
"Um... I think I know," Lisa said in a small, embarrassed voice.
A few minutes later outside The Seventh Star sex shop ;-)
The Senshi (who had transformed as they didn't want to be caught unawares again) looked at the sign... Then they looked at the merchandise in the window... They looked again to make sure that their eyes weren't deceiving them... After that they looked at the embarrassed Lisa with looks of surprised interest upon their faces.
"I'm sure we ALL want to know why Lisa is familiar with this place..." Julie said, grinning in that unnerving "let's reveal a horrible secret" way.
"Um, err..." Lisa started uncertainly. "We err... used to um... shop here. Me and my old girlfriend."
"You used to shop HERE?” Julie said.
"You and your old GIRLFRIEND?” Eva went on.
"Let's just go on OK?" Lisa asked hopelessly.
"Sure, lead on Miss Girlfriendly," Julie said with a nasty smile.
They turned left and walked until they bumped into a concrete wall and fainted. Krystina watched as the Senshi disappeared without a trace.
"F*ck!" She exclaimed. "Now those morons will have to complete this without my help (fat chance).
In the Temple of the Holy Cow
"Where are we?" Julie asked.
"Wait, I'm confused." Mallory stated.
"We seem to be underground in a temple of some sort." Special K said.
"Well duh." Bob replied after looking at the pillars, solid gold walls and total absence of sunlight.
Special K tried to kick Bob in the teeth but was tripped over by Lisa. Eva took on a faraway look for a while and then looked surprised.
"We seem to have moved 3400 years back in time," she said.
"Wait, I'm even more confused!" Mallory said in exasperation.
"We’re in the ancient temple of the holy cow," Vanessa said.
"How do you know that?" Julie asked.
"It says so on the sign over there," Vanessa replied and pointed.
The Senshi all looked and saw the sign saying "Welcome to the ancient temple of the Holy Cow, please follow the arrows and don't stray from the path unless you want to fall a hundred thousand feet onto sharp rocks. Have a nice day."
The Senshi followed the arrows...
The Hall of the Cat
The Senshi stopped. In front of them lay a big black cat with 3 inches long teeth (which were still dripping with the blood of its last meal). As they approached it looked up from the skull it was chewing on and glared at them hungrily with eyes of fire.
"What a horrible beast!" Julie exclaimed.
"I wouldn't touch it for a million dollars!" Vanessa said (imagining how horrible it would feel to transform into that kind of creature).
Lisa however, couldn't constrain herself any longer and ran towards it shouting "KITTY!"
The cat grinned evilly, disemboweled her with one swipe of its claws and made off with her gutted body.
"Ouch!" Julie said, staring at the sad pile of guts that was all that was left of their friend.
"Don't you see what this means!" Valerie exclaimed, jumping up and down in joy.
"Why are you so cheerful?" Vanessa asked, mystified.
"This means there's no one here to protect Bob!" She answered, grinning twice as evilly as the cat just did.
"Oh f*ck!" Bob said.
After a happy game of kick the b*tch the Senshi continued on their way (Bob was crawling).
The Hall of the Tiger
The Senshi stared at the floor. There was a white tiger cub sitting there. Vanessa’s eyes grew wide and she started muttering. Phrases like "An actual white tiger," and "Just to touch it" could be heard in the steady stream of words.
"Now look,." Eva said. "You aren't going to risk your life in an obvious trap just to get a new transformation, are you?"
Vanessa smiled and said "Of course I am." Then she ran towards the tiger cub and never even saw the eight ton stone slab that crushed both her and the tiger cub.
"Double Ouch!" Julie said, staring at the hand sticking out under the slab that was all that was left of their friend.
Valerie gave Bob a kick for no apparent reason and the Senshi continued on their way.
The Hall of Time
There was something happening in the minds of the Senshi. The farther they walked the more accurately aware of the time they became. When they walked into the big room they saw, in the middle of the room, a watch. When they looked at it, they became 100% totally sure of what time it was.
"I can't believe it," Eva said breathlessly. "It's the legendary watch of telepathy. The one thing that lets the timeless tell the time."
"And quite probably a deadly trap," Julie said.
"I'll take that risk," Eva said and walked carefully towards the watch.
She walked all the way to the watch... Nothing happened. She carefully picked it up... Nothing happened. She put it on her wrist and smiled triumphantly... Nothing happened for about two seconds, and then the watch emitted a huge burst of electric energy that fried Eva into a pile of ashes.
"This is getting old," Bob said.
Valerie kicked her in the teeth and the Senshi continued (Bob trailed after a bit as she had to pick up her teeth).
The Hall of Mr. Walrus
The Senshi emerged into a hall with a floor of all imaginable colors, in the far end of the hall stood none other than Mr. Walrus himself.
"Mr. Walrus!" Niki shouted excitedly and started running towards him.
"Yes, I have come to warn you about the red patches of floor in this place," the walrus said. "They contain deadly traps."
Niki looked down onto the piece of floor she was standing on. It was red.
"Oh sh*t!" She said, just before a throwing axe flew out of the wall and decapitated her neatly.
Mr. Walrus rolled his eyes and waddled away.
The five remaining Senshi (Julie, Mallory, Valerie, Bob and Special K) continued on their way.
The Hall of Lunch
In the next room the small group of Senshi saw a person they where NOT expecting. It was Rootbeer and Almonds.
"YOU?" Special K said.
"Me" RA said calmly. "I was hired by THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum) to stop you from reaching the Holy Cow.
"We've beaten you before, so what makes you think you can beat us now?" Julie asked.
"I'll show you... Shower of Almonds Attack!"
Sharp-ended almonds flew through the air and pinned the Senshi to the wall by going through their clothes.
"Repulsive Rootbeer Rot Rat!"
A rat made from VERY old rootbeer appeared and started biting the Senshi’s heels, draining their power alarmingly fast.
All seemed to be lost when Special K was enveloped by the flames of righteous fury and the almonds holding her went up in smoke.
"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO INTRUDE UPON OUR QUEST." She said her voice booming with fiery anger. "DIMENSION OF RIGHTEOUS REVENGE!"
The flames left her, formed a gate of fire that RA was pulled into and then disappeared. RA was (of course) gone.
"Where did you send her?" Julie asked as the almonds faded away.
"To a place where she will get the punishment she deserves." Special K said in a hoarse voice.
The other Senshi tried to imagine a punishment fit for someone as evil as RA and winced. They decided to eat their Packed lunch (Valerie saw to it that Bob didn't get anything) before continuing.
The Hall of Salt and Spikes
A cupcake was floating in front of the Senshi... It looked quite delicious... It also looked like a totally obvious trap.
"That is the most obvious trap yet." Special K said. "There's even spikes all over the ceiling"
"Yes, but I wonder what the bathtub full of salt is for (figured it out, anyone?)." Julie said.
Bob however, thought all the talk about obvious traps was just an attempt to keep her from getting anything to eat. She stepped forwards and took a big bite out of the cupcake. Suddenly, her personal gravity reversed and she "fell" into the short, sharp spikes that covered the ceiling. In a stupid attempt to get away she rolled (remember: spikes) until she was right over the bathtub of salt where her gravity reasserted itself and she fell. When the salt got into the fresh wounds Bob
screamed in pain and started twitching violently until she eventually bled to death.
"Wow." Julie said after a moment of silence.
Valerie went forward to look at the blondes corpse. She stumbled and fell, open mouthed, into the salt-filled bathtub, accidentally swallowed a few kilograms of salt and died of high blood pressure.
"Let's just get out of here before we all die," Mallory said.
The others nodded and they left.
The Hall of Cashews
The Senshi hardly even had time to enter before Special K started pick up the cashews lying in a neat trail on the floor.
"WAIT, IT'S A TRAP!" Mallory shouted and ran after her.
Special K was way too caught up in cashew addiction to notice her and went on picking up the nuts. When she took the last one she triggered a hidden mechanism that shot a bolt that went straight through her head and stuck in Mallory's chest. As Special K fell Julie ran forward and pulled the bolt out of Mallory's chest. She was, however, to late. Mallory's face had turned a nasty shade of blue with greenish-yellow spots.
"Thanks," she whispered before she died.
Julie dropped the poisoned bolt and went on... Alone.
The Hall of Fatal Reunions
In the next room there was a fearful array of spikes and blades and tubs of acid... All neatly piled up in the corner.
"I heard you were in trouble." A familiar voice behind Julie’s back said. "So I came here and disarmed all those traps for you, mother.”
Julie turned round in surprise and saw her daughter from the future, Alexia standing there.
"YOU B*TCH!" Julie shouted, slapping her daughters face. "Do you realize all the others are DEAD? Couldn't you have come EARLIER?"
Alexia took a step backwards... And strayed off the path. Just as the sign in the beginning of the temple had said, she fell a thousand feet onto sharp rocks.
"F*ck" Julie whispered and gloomily went on.
The Slayer of Senshi
As Julie walked through the final corridor she noticed a small figure trying to hide against the wall. She picked it up and held the confused rodent’s neck in a firm grip.
"Who or what are you?" She demanded.
"OH SH*T OH SH*T OH SH*T!" The rodent squeaked. "DON'TKILLME DON'TKILLME DON'TKILLME!"
"Then answer my question!"
"I'm the trap rat miss, don't kill me miss. I was just fulfilling my contract miss."
"What contract?"
"It was THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum) miss. He hired me to stop you from reaching the Holy Cow miss."
After saying that, he bit Julies thumb so hard that she dropped him and he ran away.
"BLOODY MURDERING RODENT!" She screamed after him as he ran.
Giving in to the inevitable, she walked into the sanctum of the Holy Cow.
The Sanctum of the Holy Cow
Julie looked at the throne in amazement.
"HOLY COW!" She exclaimed. "That's the second biggest bovine I've ever seen."
"Ah, I sense a royal daughter of the moo." The Holy Cow said. "Now tell me, moo princess, why are you seeking my counsel?"
"Great and Holy Cow." Julie began. "I am seeking your aid in a cause that has already claimed the life of nine Senshi. The defeat of the evil known as THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum) against whom I stand powerless.”
"Yes, I sensed nine moronic deaths within my temple. That must have been the Senshi. Take this ring, it will give you the power to defeat THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum). But you must hurry, I sense a great evil plan taking place. I will open a portal that will take you to the Fortress of Impersonatorium. Now go, and may the starcows smile upon you."
Julie thanked the Holy Cow, took the ring and went through the portal. Her face alight with determination and revenge (and fear, lots and lots of fear).
Meanwhile in the LAIR OF DOOM (mournful wolf howl)
"I TRUST YOU DISCIPLINED THE TRAP RAT FOR FAILING YOU." The figure said.
"Of course, master." THE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR (dum dum dum) answered. "First I stuck his tail in a meat-grinder and..."
"GOOD, BUT THERE IS A MORE IMPORTANT MATTER TO SPEAK OF. THE GIRL KNOWN AS SAILOR MOO IS HEADING TOWARDS YOUR FORTRESS AT THIS VERY MOMENT. YOU MUST RETURN THERE AND PREPARE YOUR DEFENCES.”
"I hear, master. And as always, I obey."
When THE ELVIS IMITATOR (dum dum dum) had left, the figure sat down and smiled.
" NOW WE WILL SEE HOW WELL THE PRINCESS DOES WITHOUT OTHER SENSHI TO DIE FOR HER." He said to himself.
CONTINUE