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Season Three Quotes:

Episode Twenty | Episode Twenty One | Episode Twenty Two | Episode Twenty Three | Episode Twenty Four | Episode Twenty Five | Episode Twenty Six | Episode Twenty Seven | Episode Twenty Eight | Episode Twenty Nine | Episode Thirty



Niki: We're ex-ex-freshmen now! And next year, assuming of course that we're still alive, we'll be ex-ex-ex-freshmen! I can't wait!

Valerie: We should go find Special K since she's a senior, and have her beat up all of the people we don't like.

Mallory: I don't know. Special K's not really the violent type. We'd need Julie for something like that. Especially if we're talking about verbally and/or physically abusing annoying freshmen. .

~Valerie, Mallory, and Niki, enjoying their new upperclassmen status, Episode 20~


Sailor Pink: Who the hell are you guys and why are you running around like chickens?!

Sailor Tange: Hi! My name's Sailor Tange. I wasn't running around like a chicken. I was running around like a rabid sea monkey.

Sailor Pink: Oh, well that's completely different.

Sailor Tange: It really is! Chickens kinda do that thing with their wings when they run around, but sea monkeys don't have wings so they kinda do more of a swimming motion.

~Sailor Pink meets Sailor Tange and PerkyFluffyBunny for the first time, Episode 20~


Niki: Moron! What are you doing?

Valerie: The never-ever-on-any-occasion-locked kitchen window, was in fact, locked on this particular occasion. Niki: (opening another window) This was the never-ever-on-any-occasion-locked kitchen window. Not the one you threw the plant through.

Valerie: My mistake.

~Niki and Valerie, breaking into Mallory's house, Episode 20~


Vanessa: Didn't you hear? Nutzi Tunz is in town!

Valerie: Nutsy toons? I thought that was some weird catch phrase Mallory's mom invented while we were watching a badly made Disney movie.

Mallory: What? No! That's completely different! This Nutzi Tunz is a band.

Niki: Nazis formed a band? When was this and where was I?

~The senshi, discussing the hot new band in town, Episode 20~


Niki: So how are they a boy band?

Bob: Because they're hot. Duh.

Valerie: Cary Elwes hot or Andre the Giant hot?

Mallory: I would say that, between the alleged five male members of the band, though I've only actually seen four, there's a mix of Carey's looks, Orlando's accent, Ewan's charms, Elijah's sensitivity, Tobey's cuteness, Hugh's manners, and Heath's sincerity. Did I mention that they all wear sexy man shirts? White and black.

Valerie: Oh my God! My recipe for the perfect man! At last! My dreams have been fulfilled!

~The senshi, continuing to discuss the hot new band in town, Episode 20~


Vanessa: I suppose we need to walk fully clothed on flat ground under the new moon holding live chickens while rubbing the feet of red wax Buddha statues and hopping on both feet while reciting the Australian legend of the Lonely Platypus in French.

Niki: You know, it's so crazy it just might work!

~Vanessa and Niki deduce how to bring Eva back from banishment, Episode 20~


Tange: I thought we were supposed to be incognito.

Sailor Cranberry: We are supposed to be incognito, but not wearing something like that. I'm not sure which planet you're from, but I do know that here on Earth, you're going to stick out like a sore thumb.

Pink: Or a hooker. Sailor Boris: But we watched movies so that we'd be more informed about the strange customs of Earth. In one movie, women from another planet wore leather body suits to disguise themselves as hot chicks.

Sailor Cranberry: That's odd. What movie was this?

PerkyFluffyBunny: Dude, Where's My Car? And it was really, really, really, really, really funny.

~The senshi from outer space, trying to remain incognito, Episode 21~


Sailor ChibiS: Ugh, we have to go back to highschool? Those were the worst six years of my life.

~Sailor ChibiS, expressing her dislike of the evil senshi's master plans, Episode 21~


Timm: I know who you are.

Niki: Well, that sounded a bit stalkerish. Why can I hear your voice in my head?

Timm: Because I'm telepathic.

Niki: You throw up after every meal?

Timm: No, that would be bulimic. I can read minds.

Niki: Really? Cool. So can my friend Mal. Sort of. Okay, no, not really. So, where are you, telepathic stalker boy?

Timm: Nowhere.

Niki: That's impossible. You have to be somewhere.

Timm: No I don't. I don't actually exist.

Niki: You mean you're invisible? Not to be biased or anything, but I really don't like invisible people.

~Niki's first meeting with the non-existant Timm Buktu, Episode 21~


Valerie: It's just that I've never seen anything more breathtaking in all my life.

Elfyn: My eyes? I have been told in the past that they are rather lovely, but I've never --

Valerie: No, no, not those. I mean, your eyes are kind of shiny and blue and all, but I was talking about your ears.

Elfyn: My ears? Really? You don't think that they're like, freakishly weird or anything?

Valerie: I think they're amazing. Do you think that if we were to mate, our children would inherit your ear genes?

~Valerie's first meeting with the pointy-eared Elfyn, Episode 21~


Megami: Er . . .hi.

Mallory: Er . . .hi.

Megami: My name is Me . . .gami. Megami Sama.

Mallory: I'm Mal. Mal Leigh.

Megami: Really? That sounds very Asian. Are you of Chinese descent?

Mallory: Oh, no. That's just what my parents, S and M . . . I mean, Steve and Mindy Leigh named me.

Megami: Oh, I see. Want to go berry picking?

Mallory: So, you wanna go out some time?

~awkward Mallory's first encounter with the equally awkward Megami, Episode 21~


Eva: You guys have been back at school less than a week and you already have dates with three, and I quote, "extremely hot guys." I've been back less than a day, and all I can say for my life is that I'll have my weekends permanently booked . . . working at Winn Dixie!

Valerie: Ouch. So, Slave-a-Center wouldn't hire you?

Eva: They said I didn't have enough work experience. But that's not the point. The point is that, despite what some popular Japanese cartoons may imply, it is completely impossible for someone who has been guarding the doorway through time for as long as I have to travel to this dimension and expect to find a job as a chemist or physicist . . . or whatever kind of scientist that works with plants or bacteria or whatnot. Oh no, in the real, non-animated world, if a guardian from another dimension wants to get a job, she has to start at the bottom!

~Eva, depressed about having to get a crappy minimum-wage job, Episode 21~


Julie: Could you be any more vague? So, like, there was this magic and some evil stuff and then something, but I can't really say what, happened . . .

The Fairy: I'm not getting paid enough for this. Alexia and I have been sent here from the future by the Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts to help you to better understand the dire and dangerous situation you are about to be face.

Julie: Speaking of the Prince, how is that masked bastard anyway? Not stepped on any rusted nails recently, I hope. Or been mauled by a pack of vicious goats by chance?

~Julie and The Fairy, both annoyed with The Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts, Episode 22~


Alexia: The fourth Outer Senshi is indeed among you, but she is not easily found. For the current fourth Outer Senshi has great and terrible powers that were once gifted to another, but which have now been distributed amongst two human forms, rather than residing in one exceedingly powerful shell.

Niki: Shell? Are you suggesting that this mysterious Senshi is a shellfish?

Mallory: Oh! I get it! She's been possessed by an evil clam spirit, right? Right? Am I right?

Alexia: I'm not even going to bother acknowledging that either one of you just uttered the incredibly moronic things that spewed forth from your mouths.

~Mallory and Niki jump to conclusions as Alexia reveals the legend of the second Messiah, Episode 22~


Alexia: When Niki was reincarnated, her great powers once again became dormant, but another, evil, power joined them. Niki's body was no longer just the shell for her Sailor Senshi essence, but also the host to an evil parasite known as Mistress 13, servant to the great Pharaoh 130. We knew for a long time that there was an evil among us, we just made the connection too late.

Vanessa: Oh my God, of course! I get it now! The connection was in front of our eyes the entire time. Niki's Sailor name is 24601. If you add the numbers together, (2+4+6+0+1), you get 13! Just like Mistress 13!

Bob: Good job! If only we had known that back when we actually cared.

Alexia: Luckily for us, Niki's dormant senshi powers were awoken shortly after Mistress 13, the Sleeping Messiah was awoken, and she was able to defeat the evil inside of her.

Niki: And yet, I remember absolutely none of this. It's all one big hazy blur. All I recall is a walrus, a mirror, and a continuing reference to Jesus.

~The senshi discuss Niki's past as Mistress 13, Episode 22~


Niki: She doesn't look very old. Even younger than you look, Julie.

Julie: I don't care how old she is, as long as she's not a freshman. You know how I feel about freshmen.

Mallory: Yes, we still have scars to remind us of how you felt when we were freshmen. They've faded a bit over the years, but are still quite prominent around the neck and upper back area.

~The senshi discuss the mysterious blue-haired girl named Lisa, Episode 22~


Niki: This sucks! Does nothing good ever come of our defeating evil?!

Mallory: We get to stay out late on week nights.

Niki: That's true. Hooray for the evil beings we must defeat between the hours of eight and ten on Monday through Thursday!

Senshi: Hooray!

~The senshi find joy in late-night evil-fighting, Episode 22~


The Emperor: IT SEEMS THAT I HAVE MORE POWER THAN YOU THINK. BUT I THOUGHT THAT THE CAPITAL LETTERS, THE BLATANT SIGN THAT I AM THE BIG BAD OF THIS SEASON, WOULD HAVE GIVEN IT AWAY.

~The Emperor confronts the Republic's fleeing Princess, Episode 23~


Krystina: Let me guess. You're late because your mother flooded the hallway with sprinklers again, is that it?

~Krystina guesses why Valerie is late to a senshi meeting, Episode 23~


Vanessa: Come again? WHAT'S in your backyard?

Valerie: Rapists.

Mallory: Friends of your mother's Columbian drug lords?

Valerie: To be honest, I don't really know. My brother mentioned it to me last night when I suggested we go outside at four o'clock in the morning because I was bored and felt like taking a can of Raid and viciously murdering hoards of mosquitos. He seemed rather terrified of them. The rapists, not the mosquitos.

Eva: But isn't your brother a boy?

Valerie: That's what I've been told.

Niki: Oh, so the rapists were Catholic Priests?

~The senshi, discussing a possible threat in Valerie's backyard, Episode 23~


Vanessa: What club are you starting?

Niki: The Fellowship of Jewish Athletes! Only, you won't have to be Jewish to join, since none of you are Jewish, and I myself, can be described as a lousy Jew at best. You won't have to be athletic either, since none of us are at all in any way.

Lisa: Well, actually, I am rather fond of rigorous outdoor exercise, and I consider myself to be quite a gifted athlete.

Niki: But, you're a freshman, so you don't count.

Lisa: Good point.

Mallory: So, basically, you're just forming another Fellowship of Christian Athletes.

Niki: Exactly! And therein lies the brilliance of my scheme. The Christian Athletes never do anything, so we won't have to either. But the school administrators will HAVE to let us form the club because we're - or at least, I'm - a religious minority, and they have all of those Equal Rights laws that say minorities can form clubs too, and if you try to stop them, they'll sue your a$$. Brilliant, eh?

~Niki reveals her scheme to get the senshi a better club space, Episode 23~


Megami: You don't think it's weird?

Mallory: Be more specific, please.

Megami: The fact that Timm is non-existent.

Mallory: Oh, no! Trust me when I say it's a lot less weird then . . . oh, say a girl who's really a boy who's really a fairy. Or for that matter, a girl who's spent millennia upon millennia as doorman to a door no one bothered entering.

Megami: Wait . . . I'm confused.

Mallory: Come on, I think it's time you met my other friends.

~Megami and Mallory bond over the weirdness of their friends, Episode 23~


Cranberry: Here we are on a mission, and we find ourselves in a situation where we can act swiftly by using the broken window to our advantage to determine whether or not these girls are a threat by actually taking them on face to face rather than hiding in the shadows. Depending on how we handle the confrontation will determine whether or not further action must be taken to ensure the immunity of our mission. Follow my logic?

PerkyFluffyBunny: I think I would, but I'm not real good with the logic thing. Besides, I read somewhere that thinking logically is actually harmful to your physical health. Those who don't think logically and who don't smoke are far less likely to die from lung cancer than those who think logically and smoke. Several studies have come to the same conclusion, or something very similar at least.

Tange: You lost me awhile back. My mind has the tendency to wander after a short period of time, and your little motivational speech was just far too long. As my mind wandered, I suddenly found my shoes very amusing and I found myself contemplating what my shoelaces would say about the condition of the workforce today and whether or not that, as manual laborers, they would try and demand fair treatment and better working hours, assuming they could talk of course. When that got old, I started counting to ten, made it halfway there, lost track of what I was doing, and then stared into space until you were done talking.

~The evil senshi are almost as dysfunctional as the earth senshi, Episode 24~


Mallory: Valerie, are you there?

Valerie: Tommy?

Mallory: What? No! It's me, Mallory. Where are you?

Valerie: I'm upstairs, hiding in my room. You?

Mallory: I'm downstairs in the office. I came out of the closet.

Valerie: Oh, really? Good for you.

Mallory: You didn't let me finish. I came out of the closet and hid under the desk instead.

~Valerie and Mallory communicate on their Rugrats talking watches, Episode 24~


Valerie: There, there. Pat, pat. You have now been the very fortunate recipient of my sympathetic pat of sympathy. Someone cares. Not necessarily me, but someone.

~Valerie comforts Vanessa who is trapped under a bed in the guestroom, Episode 24~


Special K: Where's Niki? Didn't anyone inform her about the rescue mission?

Mallory: I did. But you know Niki's philosophy on arriving on time: why bother? I'll show up when I feel like it, or I won't show up at all if I get enough sense to be lazy instead.

Valerie: Hmm . . . It's vaguely reminiscent of my own philosophy: Valerie is never late. Nor is she early. She arrives precisely when she means to.

~The senshi discuss Niki and Valerie's philosophies on life, Episode 24~


Mallory: So . . . I see you and Timm are dating now.

Niki: Oh no. We're not dating. We're just having sex. Speaking of which . . . does anyone happen to have a cigarette?

Valerie: Tsk, tsk, Niki Renier. You know the rules. There is NO sex in the Champain house.

~The senshi discover the Niki and Timm are not dating, Episode 24~


Pink: I don't get it. We've searched the entire house. Where ARE they?

Cranberry: I admit that I am baffled as well. Perhaps we overlooked some place? A secret room? A hidden corner?

Light: The upstairs?

Pink: There's an UPSTAIRS?

Light: Well, seeing as how there's stairs, I'm assuming they lead somewhere. And judging from the fact that they appear to be rising in height in an upwards-like manner, I'm guessing the place they lead to is an Up as well. Suggesting upstairs.

Boris: That's so weird. I could have sworn this house was a one-story. It has a very deceptive appearance.

~The outer space senshi discover that the earth senshi are hiding upstairs, Episode 24~


Niki: Please don't be upset with me. It's just that . . . I only have room for one soul mate in my life right now. And my soul mate I have loved since the day I was born, even though I have yet to actually meet him. I mean, maybe it would be different between you and me if you were, you know . . . existent. And foreign. With a sexy Scottish accent. And you would have to be gay. But despite your sexual orientation, you would marry me in order to live in this country legally. You would have a boyfriend on the side, of course, but I would be cool with that. The more the merrier!

~Niki confesses to Timm that she can never love him because he is not her soul mate, Episode 24~


Key Key: Did you see anyone else outside? Like your date?

Megami: Just Elfyn. And while he may have spent a large part of the night in my pants pocket, he was not my date.

~Key Key and Megami discuss the strange events at Valerie's house, Episode 25~


Mallory: Girls, girls! Act your age or itís time out for you and no milk and cookies after your nap!

Julie: This coming from the girl who wears Care Bear shirts!

Mallory: Yeah, well, youíre not exactly one to talk either. Or have you neglected to notice what you are currently wearing?

Julie: Itís not my fault I have to shop at the Limited Too! Nothing at The Limited will fit me!

Niki: Well, thatís another page and a half wasted on worthless, meaningless chatter. Letís get back to the plot.

Valerie: Thereís a plot? REALLY?

~The senshi insult each other, rather than doing anything productive, Episode 25~


Julie: It all began at approximately 3:14 last Saturday afternoon. I was just waking up from a rather restful fifteen hour nap, when lo and behold, to my great surprise, whom do I see?

Niki: Jesus?

Julie: No . . . And Iím not sure Iíll ever be seeing him . . .Nope, I wonít be seeing him, thatís for sure. Not after what happened last month . . . that crazy night . . . with that homeless man . . . and those hallucinogenic mushrooms . . . Anyway, thatís not the point. The point is that I saw my daughter from the future.

Niki: Alexia?

Julie: No, the other one.

Valerie: The OTHER one?! You have more than one?

Bob: Ah ha! I knew that!

Eva: Damn it! I know the future for crying out loud! How could I have forgotten that?!

Julie: She has her fatherís eyes.

Mallory: Gerg?

Julie: No, her father.

Mallory: Oh boy, this ought to be good.

~The senshi discover that Julie has a legitimate daughter from the future, Episode 25~


Julie: Erick told me about this incredible beverage that would, if I were to drink it, give me an incredible power up, far superior to that of Pepsi One.

Vanessa: I am in awe. What could this remarkable beverage be?

Julie: Sierra Mist.

Valerie: Impossible! Sierra Mist could not possibly be this incredible beverage you speak of. It is yummy and far superior to Sprite, yes, but it has no caffeine, and it is thereby unable to aid you in your search for more power and greater quantities of sugar.

Eva: Sierra Mist of the present day may not have caffeine, it is true, but the Sierra Mist of the future does!

Valerie: I am intrigued. Continue.

Julie: Thatís about it. I drank the Sierra Mist of the future and achieved my newest transformation, Eternal Sailor Moo!

Bob: Oh, really? You look the same to me.

Julie: You mean you didnít notice that my skirt was shorter? Or that my bow is slightly longer and more fluffy?

Bob: No.

Julie: Well, damn. I guess it really was the wings then.

Mallory: You had wings?

Julie: For about five minutes while transforming. The wings were really nice, all feathery and soft. But once I was fully transformed, they turned into cardboard pieces of sh*t so I burned them.

~Julie describes how a beverage of the future gave her a new transformation, Episode 25~


S.I.M.O.N.: Actually, your friends arenít wrong, you know. I am a robot. And I am evil (da da da).

Niki: REALLY?! Since when? I canít believe you never told me this! And Iíve known you a whole three hours and twenty seven minutes!

Bob: I canít believe you told him everything about us when you didnít even know him for a whole day! What were you thinking?

Niki: We were in love! Besides, itís not like he just used me to get information on the Sailor Senshi as a part of the diabolical scheme of the Big Bad of Season Three!

S.I.M.O.N.: Well . . . actually...

~Niki discovers that the love of her life is really a robot, Episode 25~


Bob: Sailor Moo! Your skirt! Itís getting longer!

Julie: NO!

Vanessa: Itís true! Your skirt has gained several inches and now almost completely covers youíre a$$. And your bow is significantly shorter and is looking rather un-fluffy around the edges.

Julie: NO! Do you know what this means?

Valerie: You look less like a slut? But only slightly.

Mallory: It means she detransformed. She is no longer strong enough for her Eternal transformation.

Eva: Of course! Itís because she received the new transformation through the Sierra Mist power up. Without regular doses of the carbonated beverage, she is not strong enough to sustain a higher transformation, nor is she capable of using any power associated with the higher transformation.

Special K: And because the Sierra Mist of the future does not currently exist in present times, thereís no way she can power up again. Damn, this blows.

~Julie detransforms because she cannot maintain her transformation without Sierra Mist of the future, Episode 25~


Valerie: Holy Mary, mother of Nikiís sweatshirt, what the hell is wrong with her?

Mallory: If she were anyone other than Niki, I would say that she looks normal and happy. But seeing as how Niki is Niki Ė I would say that she is possessed.

Valerie: Possessed by what? A demon?

Mallory: My guess would be the spirit of a clam.

~Mallory and Valerie are shocked to see a pink-clad, smiling Niki, and assume she must be possessed, Episode 26~


Valerie: Was that a wolf? Since when are there wolves in Loserville?

Mallory: Maybe it wasnít a wolf. Maybe it was really our future selves, having traveled back into the past to save our current selves from the teacher-turned-unattractive-wolf-man who wasnít even supposed to try and kill us in the first place because it didnít happen in the book, but who we insist upon throwing rocks at for no apparent reason other than the fact that we are incredible morons and Ė OW!! (a violin bow hits Mallory)

Valerie: Where did that come from?

I know! It must have been thrown at me by my future self, having traveled back into the past in order to warn my current self that danger is approaching, so that we have time to run for cover behind some pumpkins before Ė

Valerie: Mallory, shut up!

~Mallory and Valerie investigate strange noises, Episode 26~


Special K: Sorry about the attack, I was just trying to get your attention in the quickest way possible.

Mallory: Thatís okay. You play the violin?

Special K: Of course I do. Iím a famous, world-renowned violinist. Didnít you know that?

Mallory: Wait, Iím confused.

Special K: I am also an incredibly gifted painter.

Valerie: Oh yeah? Did you paint this? (Van Gogh's Starry Night)

Special K: Why, yes I did.

Valerie: Wow. You really ARE talented.

~Mallory and Valerie learn that Special K is a woman of many talents, Episode 26~


Key Key: The truth is that we are not a boy band, we are not even a band, in fact, we are not even from Earth. We are actually aliens from a far-off planet who came to Earth in search of our princess who disappeared a couple of months ago. We suspect that she has fallen victim to the big bad of season three who has created the ultimate weapon Ė a Death Star Ė in order to overthrow the Republic, eventually gaining control of the galaxy by stealing all of our star seeds! Oh yeah, and these guys are my bisexual lovers! (points to Elfyn) And heís a cracker!

Mallory: Hey! I find the offensive slang terminology to be very unnecessary in civilized conversations!

Elfyn: Itís not slang, I am actually a cracker.

Bob: So, what youíre saying is . . . that your big secret . . . isnít that you are women?

Key Key: Exactly.

Elfyn: Keebler Elf. Which would explain the ears. For some unexplained reason, between the hours of six and midnight, I transform into an edible, bite-sized cracker. While in Loserville, we have had to hold afternoon or midnight concerts to avoid our fans discovering this . . . er, issue that I have.

~Key Key reveals the secret identities of the Nutzi Tunz band members, Episode 26~


Key Key: Protectors of Earth, we need your help! You must save our princess, my sister, from the big bad of season three! Before she destroys her!

Julie: Before she destroys her? What do you mean: SHE? Are you saying that the big bad is a woman?!!

Valerie: I knew it! Itís Bob! That b*tch!

Lisa: How dare you accuse my snuggle bunny of such a monstrous crime! Just because she is incredibly attractive doesnít mean sheís an evil tyrant! The big bad is obviously Niki, (that long-haired whore), going for two out of three seasons!

Bob: I appreciate your efforts to clear my good name, but please donít defend me again. Itís kind of creepy.

~The senshi discover that the Big Bad of Season Three is a woman, Episode 26~


Pink: Itís the rule of senshi warfare. There has to be a halt in the fighting if a significant member of either side is killed in battle. Royals are designated fifteen minutes of mourning. We canít touch them for another four minutes and twenty-seven seconds.

Cranberry: Since when do you play by the rules?

Pink: Since when do you ignore the fine etiquette of senshi warfare? I didnít make the rules, you know. Theyíre all in the handbook.

ChibiS: Fine. But in four minutes and three seconds . . . theyíre mine!

~The evil senshi delay attacking while the earth senshi mourn the fallen princess, Episode 27~


Julie: Here I am, the one you have been looking for! Do with me what you will, but I beg you, spare the lives of my friends! They are morons and ex-ex freshmen (for the most part), I know, but they are MY moronic ex-ex freshmen, and I love them like I would love a sister. Well, not MY sister, but you understand what I mean.

Light: Not YOU! We want the REAL Princess, the leader of the Rebellion, the one real threat against the almost-completed Death Star project. The one pebble in the great Emperorís alligator-skinned Prada boots, size nine-and-a-half.

~Julie thinks that she is the princess but she is wrong, Episode 27~


Vanessa: You know whatís funny? My fortune cookie this morning said that I would be sucked into a mysterious vortex by an unknown force today, but I didnít think much of it. Those things are never that accurate. My fire reading this morning also predicted that there would be a massive earthquake and Loserville would be sucked into a fiery hell-hole.

Niki: We could only be so lucky.

~Vanessa expresses her surprise over a fortune coming true, Episode 27~


The Architect: Hell. Welcome to the Matrix, home of the Webs of Time, may I take your order? Sorry, I didnít properly introduce myself. My name is Marian Joseph Latiff Partnell, but you can call me Matthew for short.

Megami: Er, nice to meet you, Matt.

The Architect: I said my name is Matthew.

~The Architect introduces himself, Episode 27~


The Architect: You are here because Earth is about to be destroyed. Its every living inhabitant terminated. Its entire existence eradicated.

Mallory: Earth isnít about to be bulldozed to make way for an intergalactic highway, is it?

The Architect: No.

Mallory: Well, thatís a relief, because I canít remember where I put my copy of the Hitchhikerís Guide, and I donít fancy having to shove a fish in my ear.

Valerie: No, itís really not pleasant.

~The senshi discover that Earth is about to be destroyed, Episode 27~


Special K: Heís just quoting The Matrix. Which means heís obviously lying. Movies are just like video games. Theyíre not REAL.

Vanessa: Well, thatís not entirely true. Remember that time when the dimensions all got screwy and you guys all ended up getting sucked into Banjo Kazooie? This could be like that. In which case, itís all very real

Julie: You mean weíre IN The Matrix? Well, I DO know Kung Fu.

The Architect: No, you are not trapped in The Matrix. But you ARE trapped in a reality television show.

Valerie: NOOOOOOO! I HATE reality TV! Tie me to the tracks in front of a speeding train! Make me eat a still-beating human heart! But PLEASE, just donít make me watch reality television!

~The senshi discover that they are not trapped in The Matrix, they are just ripping it off, Episode 27~


Cranberry: I honestly donít know how we havenít managed to destroy you losers yet. As leader of the opposition, I am truly ashamed.

Julie: I would be ashamed if I were you too.

Cranberry: I donít really know whatís going on here, but when we face off for this sailor senshi battle, or whatever Ö You better bring it.

Julie: Donít worry, itís already been brought-en.Ē

~Julie and Sailor Cranberry face off before Battle of the Senshi begins, Episode 28~


Julie: Marry a prince, eh? Been there, done that, itís not really anything to brag about. Smarter than a second grader? I really donít think any of the ex-ex-freshmen qualify there Ö DANCING with the sailors? With their inability to spin around in the air without bumping into each other? Holy crap, weíre doomed!

~Julie investigates the shows the senshi will be participating in and is overwhelmed, Episode 28~


Mallory: C-c-Caroline St. Ramen?! But youíre supposed to be dead!

Caroline: Am I? Itís funny how things work in the Matrix of Time. Time as we know it doesnít really exist here. Iím not dead because you havenít defeated me.

Mallory: Yet, right? We havenít defeated you YET.

Caroline: I suppose thereís a slim chance you will defeat me today. But if you donít Ö well, it will be as though you never defeated me at all. Time will reverse and all of the ďgoodĒ that you and your pathetic little friends have done in the past few years will unravel.

Mallory: Thatís not fair at all!

Caroline: Welcome to show business.

~Mallory is horrified to discover that she will be competing against an un-dead Caroline St. Ramen, Episode 28~


Elfyn: Itís really not that bad.

Mallory: Does it taste like chicken?

Elfyn: Oh I have no idea what chicken tastes like. Iíve never eaten chicken before. Alien, remember? I also donít have any taste buds.

Mallory: WHAT?!

Elfyn: Oh yeah, I was born without taste buds. Itís a mutation that runs genetically in Keebler elves who make crackers by day and are crackers by night. Itís so we arenít tempted to become cannibals . . . Again. But thatís a whole other story.

~Mallory and Elfyn eat cow brains while competing in Fear Factor: Extreme, Episode 28~


Alexia: Hi, Iím Alexia. Iím half man.

You: You know, I find that strangely attractive.

Alexia: Iím not actually supposed to be in this episode. Some disembodied voice was bugging the hell out of me while I was trying to do homework in the future and I was forced to teleport through time to come here. This isnít the first time itís happened either, and my teachers really arenít buying the ďwell I had to travel back in time to help my teenage mother save the worldĒ excuse anymore. They told me I should just kill off my grandma next time.

You: Are you Ö seeing anyone?

Alexia: I suppose that would depend on which time zone weíre in. In the past, Iím available, but Iím a man. In the future, well Ö it gets more complicated Ė and would you believe it Ė significantly more awkward.

~You hits on Alexia, another contestant in Who Wants To Marry a Prince?, Episode 28~


The Prince: My only choices are a pink-haired enemy of my ex-wife and my ex-wifeís smelly sister?

Announcer: Thatís right. Better make the choice fast too because our funding has just been cut and in five minutes we will be replaced with another night of American Idol Coca-Cola commercials.

Audience: Awwww.

The Prince: Well, going out with my ex-wifeís sister would really piss her off, but I really canít tolerate things that grow extra hair when left out in the sun for too long.

Pink: Oh boy!

The Prince: Besides, Iíve always been intrigued by pink haired women. Sometimes I think that if I had a daughter who was really a daughter and not a man, she would look something like you Ö only sheíd be an albino, hence the red eyes.

~The Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts chooses Sailor Pink as winner of Who Wants to Marry a Prince?, Episode 28~


Smeezer: Actually, youíre losing.

Bob: Thatís impossible. I have the higher number.

Smeezer: Yes, but our numbers are both negative. In negative numbers, the smaller numbers are actually higher than the bigger numbers.

Bob: Thatís the stupidest thing Iíve ever heard. Absurd. Completely illogical.

~Bob discovers that she is losing to Professor Smeezer in Are You Smarter Than a 2nd Grader?, Episode 28~


Alex Beck: Contestant Bob said that the United States shares its northern border with Ö The Ukraine.

Bob: So Ö did I win?

Alex Beck: Contestant Bob, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Bob: Okay, a simple ďwrongĒ would have done just fine.

Alex Beck: Canada! Congratulations, Contestant Smeezer, youíve won the Ė

Bob: This is impossible! Sheís the dumbest teacher Iíve ever never had in my entire life. Thereís no way she could have gotten the answer right unless she cheated! (to Smeezer) Oh my god Ė youíre Canadian, arenít you??!!

Smeezer: I donít know what youíre talking aboot!

Bob: Aboot? Aboot? Ah ha! I knew it! She cheated!

~Bob loses ungraciously to a Canadian Professor Smeezer on Are You Smarter Than a 2nd Grader?, Episode 28~


Bob: Can we please start now? Iíd really like to find my own PRIVATE room once the senshi meeting is over.

Niki: Sushi?

Valerie: Itís senshi, you dolt. I swear, if you get it wrong one more time, Iíll Ė

Niki: Iím not an idiot like Bob. I know how itís pronounced. I was asking if anyone wanted sushi. Iím thinking of getting some delivered.

~The senshi consider ordering sushi before starting a team meeting, Episode 29~


Mallory: Well, I was watching MacGyver on TV the other day, and it really got me thinking. If only we had a pen and paper, then we could Ė

Valerie: Construct a self-propelled missile launcher slash leg hair remover? That was a funny episode.

Mallory: Err, no. I thought we could use the pen and paper to make a list of ways we can possibly save ourselves and/or the world.

~Mallory, newly elected senshi leader, tries to come up with a plan, Episode 29~


Krystina: Now letís get down to business. I donít know for sure whatís in store for Julie in the showdown tomorrow, but I do know that thereís only one way sheíll find the strength to defeat the leader of the Others in time to save the Republic from certain doom.

Alexia: By drinking carbonated beverages of the future?

Vanessa: By morphing into a harmless little bunny and then multiplying at an alarmingly fast rate? I could show her how. To morph, I mean. Not to breed.

~Vanessa and Alexia guess ways Julie will find strength to face the enemy, Episode 29~


Spirit Guide: You think you are losing your ability to love.

Julie: Huh? I didnít say that! What the hell are you talking about?

Spirit Guide: You are afraid that being a senshi means losing your humanity.

Julie: You know, if the other senshi were here, theyíd probably make a crack about how I didnít have any humanity to begin with. And then Iíd kill Ďem.

Spirit Guide: Love is pain and the Sailor Senshi must forge strength from it.

Julie: Iíd actually have to agree with you on that one. When I thought I was in love with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Tuxedo Dego, not the other one), that was quite painful. And humiliating. And although Iím expected to love my daughter, he/she causes me more pain than you could possibly realize Ö

Spirit Guide: Love will bring you to your gift.

Julie: What?

Spirit Guide: Death is your gift.

Julie: Death Ė

Spirit Guide: Is your gift.

Julie: Death is the gift Ö Iím bringing to Bob?

Spirit Guide: Your question has been answered.

~A confused Julie gets advice from the spirit guide, Episode 29~


Cranberry: Remember what I said last time? You better bring it.

Julie: Oh donít worry, itís already on its way Ė bubble-wrapped, packaged taped, and mailed through UPS Ė first class. (Suckaí!)

Cranberry: Then itíll never make it here in time. You should have used Fed-Ex.

~Julie and Cranberry face off for the Showdown, Episode 29~


Cranberry: This should be an easy victory. The Price is Right is my favorite show.

Julie: Really? You mean the series is broadcast all the way to planet Slutty Skirts or wherever it is that you come from?

Cranberry: Of course it is. My planet isnít that far away, you know, and the hole in your Ozone layer makes reception even better. Besides, Bob Barker is from my hometown in the Omega Star zone. Weíre big fans.

Julie: WHAT? BOB BARKER IS AN ALIEN?

Cranberry: Of course he is. All talk show hosts are from other planets. Itís why they have such unnaturally large white teeth.

~Cranberry reveals that Bob Barker is an alien to a surprised Julie, Episode 29~


Julie: Was your ďEmperorĒ aware that your little ďDeath StarĒ is a blatant rip-off from a very popular American science-fiction film? Actually, six films, but they like to pretend like those last three were never really made.

Cranberry: I donít know what youíreó Yes, we knew it was a ripoff. Is there anyone you love so much that you would sacrifice yourself to save them?

Julie: No. There is no one that I would sacrifice myself for.

Cranberry: Wow, how is it that you ended up as a Ďgood guyí? Youíre selfish, uncaring, immoral, and indifferent. Youíre much worse than me!

Julie: Well, the Sorting Hat did seriously consider putting me in Slytherin, but thatís another story.

~Julie and Cranberry must divulge secrets while playing Tic-Tac-Toe in the game, Secret-X, Episode 29~


Julie: Mallory, listen to me. Iíve come to the Ė rather startling Ė realization that I love you. I love ALL of you (except, perhaps, Bob). But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Krystina that I figured it out. And, and Iím okay. And give my love to the others. You have to take care of them now. You have to be strong.

Mallory: I Ö am so Ö confused! Whatís going on?

Julie: The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. By the way, my dying wish is that you destroy my Platinum Nintendo 2064 so no one may derive as much pleasure from it as I have. Promise me youíll do it!

Mallory: Um Ö okay Ö

~Julie bids farewell to Mallory before sacrificing herself to save the other senshi, Episode 29~


Niki: You know, heís really starting to scare me. Itís like a horrible flashback to seventh grade French, only Iím shorter now, and he seems somewhat closer to a mental breakdown.

Valerie: Itís from eating too many pineapples. Singing líananas are bad for the digestive system. Theyíll make you crazy.

~Niki and Valerie comment on Mr. Schmith's apparent mental breakdown, Episode 30~


Alexia: Iíll do my best to make dad miserable in your memory, mom. Iím thinking stealing the cokeandpeanut-mobile for a weekend in New Hampshire with my new boyfriend, the bisexual rock musician oughta do it.

~Alexia makes a promise to Julie after her mother's premature death, Episode 30~


Vanessa: How many millennia did you spend hanging out in the Mists of Time? One? Two?

Eva: Long enough to know that there are no distinguishing features when a dimension is composed entirely of mist!

Alexia: Weíre going to be trapped here forever, arenít we? Weíre going to have to resort to cannibalism.

Valerie: I vote Bob as the first one to get eaten.

Niki: Ew, cooties! Weíd likely die from ingesting too much bleach peroxide.

~The senshi debate over whether or not they will have to resort to cannibalism, Episode 30~


Alexia: Holy Milk Pail! Itís my motherís royal ship from the future, the Seafaring Cow! She used to take it out on weekends whenever she wanted to get away from dad.

Mallory: But this shipís like two hundred years old. Why didnít Julie go yachting on an actual yacht?

Alexia: Family heirloom. It had sentimental value. Plus, mom always liked pirates.Or rather, she liked sexy man shirts.

Mallory, Niki, Valerie: Ah yes, sexy man shirts. We know them well.

~The senshi are saved by the unexpected arrival of Julie's pirate ship from the future, Episode 30~


Lisa: Julie was taken, body and soul, to a place not of death, but punishment.

Niki: So we ARE going back to Loserville?

Lisa: No, weíre going to Davy Jonesí Locker.

Niki: Oh. Would that be in the boyís bathroom at Country Club High?

Eva: Wherever it is, Iím sure it canít be anywhere around here. Weíve been sailing through mist for days and havenít even managed to pass my door, which we could have used to get back to your dimension. Weíre lost.

Lisa: Of course weíre lost! For sure, you have to be lost to find a place that canít be found, elseways everyone would know where it was.

Mallory: Thatís Niki logic. In other words, thatís very, very, BAD logic!

~The senshi begin to doubt whether or not Lisa actually knows how to get to Davy Jones' Locker, Episode 30~


Bob: Are we there yet?

Mallory: Have no fear, we must be getting close! The freezing temperatures are but a test of our fortitude. We cannot turn back!

Valerie: The freezing temperature is testing our period of fourteen days or two weeks?

Mallory: No, thatís a fortnight.

Valerie: The temperature is testing our permanent army post?

Mallory: No, thatís a FORT!

~In the sub-zero temperatures, Valerie has trouble comprehending the words that Mallory says, Episode 30~


Julie: Why should I sail with any of you? Most of you have tried to kill me in the past Ö Special K Ö Bob Ö Niki Ö Valerie ÖMallory Ö

Mallory: I never tried to Ö But that was just one time! Okay, maybe twice.

Julie: Regardless, over the years Iíve somewhat lost faith in your ability to not betray me. And when I say ďyouĒ, I mean ALL of you. Iíll be taking my meals alone in the captainís quarters. And Iíll be taking over the ship.

~Julie feels as though she can't really trust the senshi when even Mallory has tried to kill her in the past, Episode 30~


Niki: And hey, if we flip the ship over so that down is up, when we watch the sunrise, weíll really be seeing the sunset down on earth! So, then weíll be fulfilling all of the requirements, and weíll be transported home, right?

Mallory: Niki logic is very, very bad logic.

Julie: I know it is, and this plan really sounds terribly complicated, but itís the only plan weíve got. So letís follow the compass back to worldís end and find where the sun also rises. But not the Hemmingway book.

~Niki suggests an illogical plan for getting home, but it's the only plan they've got, Episode 30~


Crazy Girl: The Prince and the Fairy brought the Messiah from the dead
And they bound power in her bones.
The earth be ours and by the planets, where we will, weíll roam.
Yo ho, all together, hold carbonated beverages high.
Heave ho, sailors and guardians, never shall we die.

~Crazy Girl sings the legend of the Messiah as the senshi court is called, Episode 30~


Niki: Well, we need to flip the ship so that the upside down sunrise becomes a sunset, and the only logical way of doing that is running together from side to side, forcing the ship to sway unsteadily until it flips completely over. Itíll work, trust me. I saw it in a movie once.

Valerie: What do we have to lose?

Bob: Our lives.

Vanessa: Itís working!

Jule: I never thought Iíd say this, but thereís not enough of us! We need more bodies to tip it over completely!

~The senshi try to tip the ship over, in line with Niki's plans, Episode 30~

SMoo Randomness:
Julie: Even if you buy me an expensive, tailor-made gown, I still won't forgive you!