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Season Two Quotes:

Episode Eight | Episode Nine | Episode Ten | Episode Eleven | Episode Twelve | Episode Thirteen | Episode Fourteen | Episode Fifteen | Episode Sixteen | Episode Seventeen | Episode Eighteen | Episode Nineteen

Valerie: Oh wow! Are those Rugrats talking watches? I've been wanting one for so long!

Niki: I want one too!

Krystina: Don't be ridiculous. These are communicator watches. They're so you can communicate with Sailor Moo.

Valerie: Damn. No talking babies?

~Valerie, Krystina, and Niki, discussing the senshi's new communicator watches, Episode 8~

Niki: How come I'm light blue?

Krystina: Because it's the color of your skirt.

Bob: So, does that mean that I'm purple?

Mallory: No, honey. Your skirt is orange.

~Niki, Krystina, Bob, and Mallory, discussing the color of the communicator watch buttons, Episode 8~

Mallory: Coolness in a jar.

~Mallory's reaction to her brand-new teletransporter device, Episode 8~

Mr. Walrus: Right now, you believe that you are Sailor 24601, but that is all you know. As Sailor 24601, you have no power, but that is not your true identity.

Niki: It's not?

Mr. Walrus: No. You are really the Messiah of-

Niki: I'm Jesus?

Mr. Walrus: Not that messiah! You are Mistress 13, the Sleeping Messiah, the Bringer of the End of the World.

~Mr. Walrus and a confused Niki, discussing her ultimate destiny, Episode 8~

Mr. McDoormatt: Ah, Miss. Reneir, didn't you know?

Niki: Know what?

Mr. McDoormatt: Always behind the rest of the crowd, eh Miss. Reneir? I have tenure.

Valerie: You Have a tumor?

Mr. McDoormatt: No, Miss. Champain, not a tumor. I'm leaving.

~Valerie, Niki, and Mr. McDoormatt, bidding each other farewell, Episode 8~

Uulong: You don't understand . . . She makes you . . . do work.

Niki: No, not work! Anything but that!

Uulong: That's not all. If you don't do your work . . . She rips your heart out. And eats it. In front of your face.

Valerie: Cool! I mean ... not cool.

~Valerie, Niki, and Uulong, discussing the new, evil English teacher, Episode 8~

Bob: Where are we all coming from?

Vanessa: You mean there are more of us?

Niki: We're like baby bunnies! We just keep . . . popping up.

Valerie: Holy cow! It's hard to tell rabbits from people! Um . . . yeah. Thanks for the analogy, Niki. Bad mental picture now.

~Bob, Niki, Vanessa, and Valerie, overwhelmed by the number of new Sailor Senshi, Episode 9~

Valerie: Je me lave avec ma vache! (B*tch #1 laughs) What? Why is she laughing at me?

Niki: Because you just said 'I wash myself with my cow'.

Valerie: Oh. Damn reflexive verbs.

~Niki and Valerie, disappointed with a failed language attack on B*tch #1, Episode 9~

Julie: And you must be one of the B*tches 5!

Mallory: There's only five of them?

~Julie and a confused Mallory, confronting B*tch #1, Episode 9~

Madame Deatrich: Your powers won't work against my--Super Anti-Moo Power Drainer 5000!

Julie: Super . . . what?

Madame Deatrich: This large metal box thingie!

~B*tch #1 and Julie, after Julie's powers fail to activate, Episode 9~

The Prince: Second lunch thought it would be fun to hang empty coke cans from tree limbs. Some people may find that odd, but, these were the same people who sacrificed animal crackers for fun.

Valerie: Now, that is cool!

~The Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts, explaining Mallory's past death, as Valerie interrupts, Episode 9~

The Prince: What happened next was rather amusing. Do you know those little glow in the dark necklace thingies? Well, Bob had one. When she was being trampled it broke. Have you ever wondered what makes those things glow? As it turns out, it's not a radioactive substance.

Mallory: Then what is it?

The Prince: Unicorn pee! Bob drowned in unicorn pee!

Valerie: Unicorn pee? I can't believe it! It's just too perfect!

Bob: Oh yeah? Well, we haven't heard your death yet. Hey Prince guy, I wanna know what happened to Sailor Psychodork over here!

Valerie: That's PsychoPATH, you ugly, stupid, fat, blonde, small-witted twit!

Bob: Hey! Don't call me blonde!

~The senshi's reactions after The Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts reveals Bob's past death, Episode 9~

The Prince: You needn't worry about Sailor Ecco. She is one of you.

Niki: You mean a 'Sailor Sushi'?

Mallory: That's Sailor Senshi.

Niki: Damn it! That's what I meant.

~The Prince, Mallory, and a Niki who mixes up her Japanese words, Episode 10~

The Prince: Sailor Psychopath, as your Prince, I demand that you insert your foot into your mouth this instant.

Valerie: Why?

The Prince: In order to avoid having to hear the annoying things I'm sure you will say. If you don't want to put your foot in your mouth, then I ask that you close it.

Valerie: Well, what good will that do?

The Prince: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~Valerie and an annoyed Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts, Episode 10~

Julie: Will your senseless chatter never cease? You would think that as Sailor Senshi, and MY guardians, you might be able to hold an intelligent conversation that had a point every now and then.

Valerie: You would think that, but you would be thinking wrong.

~Valerie and a frustrated Julie, Episode 10~

Mallory: Um . . . if they 'awaken' the 'Sleeping Messiah,' then technically, the Messiah would no longer be sleeping, right?

The Prince: Um . . . that is correct, Sailor Unico.

Mallory: Yey! I wasn't confused!

~a less-confused Mallory questions the accuracy of the name "Sleeping Messiah", Episode 10~


Madame Deatrich: But . . . Sailor Moo is a junior.


Madame Deatrich: That is true . . .

~an angry Caroline St. Ramen berates Madame Deatrich for failing to kill the senshi, Episode 10~

Valerie: I may be psychotic, but at least I'm not sleeping with an invisible man!

Niki: He's not invisible, he's NON EXISTENT! And yeah, I AM sleeping with him! But at least I'm not sexually excited by low-fat cheese!

Valerie: I am NOT sexually excited by-- Okay, maybe a little. Well at least when I'm upset I don't get all whimpy and go crying to my loving family!

Niki: My mother's a hunchback, my father's a drunkard, my brother's a dwarf, and my sister's a whore. I have no loving family!

Valerie: You don't have a sister either.

Niki: Well . . . if I did, she'd be a whore!

~Valerie and Niki yelling insults at each other, Episode 10~

Vanessa: I think she's choking! Quick, someone save her!

Niki: No! Don't save her!

Mallory: It's alright! I know the hind lick maneuver!

~Vanessa, Niki, and Mallory, debating whether or not to save a choking Bob, Episode 11~

Valerie: Oh, and just for the record, Niki's brothers? They scare me. A lot. Up till now, the only thing I was afraid of was the Easter Bunny. As it turns out, I fear them much more. Compared to Niki's brothers, the Easter Bunny is like, just a harmless little rabbit.

~Valerie, after a terrifying encounter with Niki's brothers, Episode 11~

Valerie: Here. Use her as a guinea pig. That way, if she explodes, then we'll know that we shouldn't do it.

Bob: But, if I explode, I'll be dead!

Valerie: Probably. But that's a risk I'm willing to take.

~Valerie, suggesting that an unwilling Bob be the first to follow Niki through the space portal - just in case, Episode 11~

Mallory: Wow, this is starting to sound like an episode of Star Trek. Not that I watch that show or anything . . .

~Mallory, expressing her belief that space portals and other dimensions seem like something out of sci-fi TV, Episode 11~

Niki: At last, my dreams come true! Not only will I meet the Walrus, but I'll never have to see my family ever again! Life is good.

~Niki, while traveling in the video game dimension in search of Mr. Walrus, Episode 11~

Bob: Have you guys ever wondered about her . . .um . . . unusual obsession with the walrus?

Valerie: Well, yeah, it's unusual, but it's Niki. And, since Niki is . . . well, Niki, we don't really wonder . . . ever.

Bob: I see your point.

~Valerie and Bob, discussing Niki's strange walrus obsession, Episode 12~

Bob: Can you make my milk non-fat? I'm trying to watch my weight.

The Witch: Oh, it's a bit too late for that, dear.

~Bob, requesting a light snack from the Witch of the video game dimension, Episode 12~

The Witch: I've turned your blonde friend into a newt!

Valerie: What blonde friend? Oh! You mean Bob!

The Witch: Yes, moron.

Valerie: Sorry, the whole "friend" thing kind of threw me off.

~Valerie and The Witch, after The Witch has transformed Bob into a newt, Episode 12~

Niki: Why did you play Yahtzee, of all games?

Mallory: Because I wanted to use my intelligence and my sensible mind to help me win.

Niki: But you don't need intelligence to win! Yahtzee is a game of chance. It says so on the box.

Mallory: It doesn't matter, she cheated anyway.

~Niki and Mallory, after The Witch defeats Mallory in a game of chance, Episode 12~

Julie: I am Sailor Moo!

Mallory: Oh no. Here we go again.

Julie: For love and for those who have been pulled into other dimensions by way of the television, I am Pretty Soldier, Sailor Moo! The champion of justice! In the name of the Moo People, I shall punish you!

~Mallory and an over-chatty Julie, facing down The Witch, Episode 12~

Julie: Alright. But if Niki wins, we are free to leave this dimension, unharmed. Oh yeah, and with Bob back in human form. Though I admit I like her better this way. She's unable to speak. That's a good thing.

~Julie, agreeing to The Witch's bargain, Episode 12~

Mallory: Niki, how on earth did you win?

Niki: I listened to the voices in my head!

Valerie: Don't we all? Vanessa will be very proud.

~Mallory, Niki, and Valerie, after Niki's miraculous Parcheesi win against The Witch, Episode 12~

Valerie: Oh, good going, genius! You just had to throw that shoe, didn't you! What is it with you and throwing other people's shoes anyway?

Bob: Bad habit, I guess.

Julie: Bad . . . habit? Valerie, your wish is about to come true. I'm going to murder Bob.

Valerie: Excellent!

Bob: Um . . . please don't hurt me. It's not my fault I'm blonde!

Valerie: Don't listen to her, Julie! Bite her bloody ears off!

~Valerie, Julie, and Bob, after Bob throws the communicator shoe at The Witch, destroying it, Episode 12~

Vanessa: Guys! You're okay! I was so worried when we lost connection! What happened to the other shoe?

Mallory: (pointing at Bob) She decided it would be fun to throw the toe shoe at the evil witch who lived in the mountain.

Vanessa: Why on earth would you do something stupid like that?

Bob: She turned me into a newt!

Vanessa: A newt?

Bob: I got better.

~Vanessa, Mallory, and an excuse-making Bob, discussing Bob's stupidity, Episode 12~

Niki: Well, I used to have super sleeping power, but I haven't been sleeping well lately. I guess I'm the only senshi without a strength.

Vanessa: If it makes you feel any better, just remember that my power doesn't work well. Yesterday, I leaned in to get a better look at the future in the flames, and my shirt caught on fire. I could have died! Luckily, it's happened before, so I keep a fire extinguisher close by in cases of emergency.

Niki: You're right. The fact that you set yourself on fire does make me feel a little better. Thanks.

~Niki and Vanessa, lamenting over their pathetic senshi powers, Episode 13~

Mr. McDoormatt: Boy, how I've missed this place since I went on sabbatical. Doesn't it have such a homey feeling to it?

Mr. Weather: Only if your home reminds you of cat pee, old coffee, and dirty gym socks."

~Two former 1980s Superheroes, discussing their current headquarters, Episode 13~

Mallory: She thinks she has an ulcer. Either that or mono. Or it could be a rare and deadly disease with no cure. Whatever it is, it's painful. At any rate, she'll probably be missing a lot of school.

Valerie: Well, that sounds like Niki, with or without an ulcer.

Mallory: Very true.

~Mallory and Valerie, discussing a currently absent and ill Niki, Episode 13~

Julie: But why him? You could have any guy you wanted. I mean, yeah, that whole changing sex thing is kind of weird, but I'm sure that you could find an attractive man who could look beyond that.

Alexia: Well, maybe I wouldn't even have to deal with the changing sex thing if I hadn't had such a sucky family life growing up!

Julie: Sucky family life, my a$$ pennies. You're a princess. You have everything.

Alexia: Princess or not, it's hard on a young girl when her family is torn in half!

Julie: What are you talking about?

Alexia: I'm talking about the fact that my life was practically ruined when my parents separated!

Julie: You can't mean . . .

Alexia: Yes. That's right, my parents separated! Julie and Gerg, king and queen of the future Moo Kingdom, got a divorce!

~Julie and Alexia, revealing the psychological reason why Alexia has such bad taste in men, Episode 13~

Bob: We're both blondes. Sharing that hair color makes us members of a highly intelligent yet tricky group of individuals. If she's a true blonde, then there's no way this situation is anything less than a highly elaborate trap targeted for those of less fortunate hair color.

~Bob, convinced that the blonde MC has set a trap, Episode 13~

Sailor Chocolate: Do not touch the door. The door does not wish to be touched. Keep the hands away from the door.

~A mystical and disembodied voice, warning the senshi not to go near the gateway through Time, Episode 13~

Sailor Chocolate: I know far more than you can imagine. I am known as Sailor Chocolate. That's Sailor Choc-o-la-TE, with an accent on the "TE". It's Spanish.

Bob: Why are you so picky about how your name is pronounced, Chocolate?

Chocolate: Because my name is NOT Sailor Chocolate, it's Sailor Choc-o-la-TE, with an accent on the "TE".

Bob: Right. That's what I said. Chocolate.

Chocolate: Hey, Sailor Onion, say it right, okay?

Bob: My name's Sailor Unknown, NOT Sailor Onion!

Chocolate: Well, now you know how I feel.

~Chocolate, emphasizing to an ignorant Bob that name pronunciation DOES matter, Episode 13~

Senshi: She's one of us?

Mallory: It's the damn bunny analogy all over again.

Bob: But she was evil, she can't be one of us.

Valerie: Oh please, Bob. Much to my dismay, you're one of us, and you're far more evil now than MC ever was.

MC: Wait, wait wait, are you sure I'm one of them? (The Fairy nods) Damn. This greatly saddens me.

Vanessa: We're really not that bad once you get to know us. Hey, what's your name anyway?

MC: Kristina.

Valerie: Oh, no. That's not gonna work. The cat's Krystina. That's far too confusing.

MC: Oh. Well, you can call me Special K.

~The senshi, discussing the revelation that MC is really Sailor Special K, Episode 13~

The Fairy: Go to the woods and bring me back; one: the cow as white as milk, two: the cape as red as blood, three: the hair as yellow as corn, four: the slipper as pure as gold. Bring me these before the chime of midnight in three days time, and you shall have, I guarantee, a milk pail as perfect as milk pail can be.

~The Fairy, sending the senshi on their quest for the the talismans, Episode 13~

Valerie: Julie's Sailor Moo. Shouldn't she be the one who has to find the Milk Pail?

Chocolate: The legend says that the Milk Pail must be found by the Princess's guardians so that the Princess can use it to save the world.

Valerie: Guardians? Why don't you just say it as it is. We're slaves. Of course, as mere ex-freshmen, what else could we expect?

~Valerie and Chocolate, discussing why Sailor Moo doesn't find her own damn Milk Pail, Episode 14~

Mallory: Into the woods,

Valerie: And back to hell,

Mallory: The path is straight.

Valerie: We know it well.

Vanessa: Into the woods, And who can tell

Special K: What's waiting on the journey?

Bob: Into the woods to bring some bread
To Niki who is sick in bed.

Mallory: Never can tell what lies ahead,

Valerie: For all we know, she's already dead!

~The senshi, singing as they journey into the woods to search for Niki, Episode 14~

Niki: I never noticed this before, but Mr. Walrus, you have nice legs.

Mr. Walrus: I don't have legs.

Niki: Right. I knew that.

~Niki and Mr. Walrus, bonding in Niki's dreams, Episode 14~

Niki: Into the woods, I must confess
It's for the walrus, 'cause I'm obsessed.
Into the woods, who knows what may
Be lurking on the journey?
Into the woods and back to life,
Where the ulcer pain stabs like a knife.
Into the woods to find my friends!

~Niki, singing after she leaves home to find the other senshi, Episode 14~

Mr. Mack: She disappoints. She fails her tests. She's here, but she's not . . .

Mr. Weather: All her reports are turned in late. Forgive? No, we will not.

Ms. Kong: No more blue slips. No sleeping fits. No missed homeworks she can't explain, with no one left to blame.

Mr. McDoormatt: Killing the girl, we'll do it!

~Former Superheroes from the 80s, singing about why Niki needs to die, Episode 14~

Valerie: NO! THE hair!

Mallory: You're right! It's yellow!

Valerie: As yellow as corn!

Bob: Hey! My hair is not yellow, damn it! It's blonde.

Valerie: You are such a moron!

Bob: Well, at least I didn't think we were looking for tall men!

Valerie: Well, at least I know my colors!

~Valerie, Mallory, and Bob, upon discovering that Bob's hair is the first talisman, Episode 14~

Julie: He's insensitive, stupid, bad-mannered, as kind as he's handsome--

Alexia: That doesn't say much.

Julie: How could I have ever wanted him? If only he were the prince I envision . . .

~Julie and Alexia, singing about reasons Julie should break up with Greg, Episode 14~

The Prince: Did I abuse her or show her disdain?
Why does she run from me?
If I should lose her, how shall I regain
The daughter she gave to me?
No more long, boring speech!
She's not what I want . . .
But she's the only thing that I can reach.
The girl must be mad.
Agony, misery, woe!
She's as short as a dwarf . . .
Dwarfs are very upsetting.
Not forgetting that
She's so incapable and unescapable,
She's unreliable, but so available.
We'll be married for years . . .
While my daughter grows beards.
What a horrible life.
With my future wife . . .

~The Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts, singing about his failing relationship with Julie, Episode 14~

Julie: They're Niki's footprints, you dimwits! Good God, you ex-freshmen drive me insane!

Valerie: (to Bob) It's because of you there's an ugly blonde in the woods and Niki's been kidnaped!

Bob: Wait a minute! It's because of me we have all three talismans! What have you done?

Valerie: I've been here for moral support!

~Julie, Valerie, and Bob, after discovering footprints leading to a kidnapped Niki, Episode 14~

Valerie: Do we really have to kill her? Can't we just like, hit her really hard?

Eva: No. The only way is to destroy her. Remember that she is no longer your friend. No matter how much she looks like the old Niki.

Valerie: This would be so much easier if it was Bob. At least then I wouldn't have to feel bad or anything.

Alexia: Bob's already dead.

Valerie: Oh, yeah. Damn.

~The senshi, preparing to face a now-evil Niki, Episode 15~

The B*tches: Good God, she's a man!

Alex/Alexia: Yeah, well, you know how it is. Some guys just look really good in skirts. Of course, I'm not one of them.

~The B*tches, after seeing Alexia transform into Sailor Mini Moo, Episode 15~

Bitch #3: Are you quite through, you ignorant little sophomore?

Julie: Ah! Sophomore? Ah! How could you! It's so horrible! Take it back! Take it back!

Bitch #3: So, that's the great Moo's weak spot? And what would happen if I said you look like a freshman?

Julie: NOOOO! Please! I beg you! Take it back! It's too much! I can't . . . I can't breathe! I'm dying!

Alexia: Oh, will you stop it! Really, Mother, you're so melodramatic, it's embarrassing!

~Julie and Alexia, facing off against B*tch #3 who has discovered Sailor Moo's weakness, Episode 15~


Niki: Yeah, we were united against you! You were never at the club meetings! So we had to do all the work without you!


Niki: You have a sick mind.

~Niki, accusing Caroline St. Ramen of being a terrible school club president, Episode 15~

Niki: When my inner self awakens? If I awaken, how will I still be asleep? Wouldn't I be the Awake Messiah? Or the Messiah Who No Longer Sleeps? Or the Ex-Sleeping Messiah of--

~Niki, confused as to the definition of a "Sleeping Messiah", Episode 15~

Valerie: Why are you wearing a watch if you obviously have trouble reading it?

Eva: It's not my fault! I have one of those stupid watches with little lines instead of numbers so you can't actually tell what time it is.

Valerie: Actually, it's digital. And it's 2:30.

~Valerie, having encountered Sailor Chocolate in human form for the first time, Episode 15~

Mrs. Stuard: Join together, my fellow superheroes. "Unleash your power!

Mr. Weather: I am Nervous Twitch Man! With the power to twitch my neck in a nervous and annoying way!

Mr. Mack: I am Twenty Dollar Bill Man! With the power to look suspiciously like the man on the twenty dollar bill!

Mr. McDoormatt: I am Bowlegged Man! With the power to use my bowleggedness to shoot arrows since my legs are bow-shaped!

Ms. Kong: And I am Lactic Acid Lady! With the power to eat away at ATP to drain energy!

Superheroes: GO 80s!

Mrs Stuard: By your powers combined, I am Captain Stewie!

~The Superheroes from the 80s combine their powers, Episode 15~

Vanessa: We need help! Please, send us a sign!

Valerie: God?

Mallory: (pointing to a floating blue sweatshirt) No! It's Niki's sweatshirt!

Valerie: That's what I said. It's God!

~The senshi receive a sign from God, helping them in their quest, Episode 15~

Julie: It is Sailor Moo, and these are my fellow Senshi. There are many so I won't bother naming them all.

~Julie, announcing the senshi's arrival to a French castle, Episode 16~

Eva: This creature died because one of the talismans you fed it was impure.

Mallory: Impure . . . you mean, not real?

Eva: Exactly, Sailor Unico. I believe it was the hair.

Valerie: Ah ha! (pointing at Bob) I knew you were too stupid to be a natural blonde! You use bleach! (DUM DUM DUM)

~The senshi, uncovering the mystery behind the cow as white as milk's death, Episode 16~

Bridge Keeper: What . . . is your name?

Bob: My name is Bob.

Bridge Keeper: What . . . is your quest?

Bob: To use the Holy Milk Pail to destroy the great Pharaoh 130.

Bridge Keeper: What . . . is the colour of your skirt?

Valerie: Oh, come on! That's way too easy. Ask her a harder one.

Bob: Um . . . purple?

~Bob attempts to answer the Bridge Keeper's questions to cross the Gorge of Eternal Peril, Episode 16~

Julie: How do you know she's a b*tch?

Mallory: She looks like one!

Julie: Tell me, what do we do with B*tches?

Valerie: Burn them! Burn them! Oh right, we haven't actually burned any of them yet. Sorry, just got a bit carried away.

~The senshi debate over how to prove Mrs. Baysh is a real B*tch, Episode 16~

Julie: I've found the entrance to the super, secret, underground laboratory!

Mallory: Here? In the woods? In Loserville? Not far from a French castle? Wait a minute! Isn't it supposed to be in Nakodish?

Julie: Well, yes, but, um, we won't worry about that. Come!

~Julie and Mallory, after discovering the B*tches' underground laboratory in an unlikely place, Episode 16~

Valerie: Get off my foot, whore.

Julie: Excuse me?

Valerie: Oh, sorry Julie, I thought you were Mallory.

~Valerie and Julie, stumbling around in the pitch-black secret laboratory, Episode 17~

Caroline St. Ramen: Like squirrels caught in the glare of headlights from an on-coming eighteen wheeler, we have you trapped! As you can see, the entrance behind you is blocked off. The only way to get out of here is through the B*tches 5.

B*tch #4: Um . . . that's B*tches 2.

Valerie: (to Caroline) Hey! Why aren't you talking in all caps?


Valerie: She died. And there was much rejoicing.

~Caroline St. Ramen mocks the senshi who have foolishly wandered into her trap, Episode 17~

Julie: No one's eating anyone's heart! You may have gotten away with kidnaping Niki, which was an unfortunate setback. You may have led to Bob's untimely death, which, by the way, we were totally okay with. You may have trapped us in your secret underground lair, and taken Alexia to be sacrificed, but you will NEVER get away with killing us and destroying the world!

B*tch #4: And why is that?

Julie: Because I have journeyed far and wide through the treacherous woods of Loserville, had a conversation with God, survived an encounter with rude Frenchmen and successfully crossed the Bridge of Death. And I now have in my possession, the Holy Milk Pail!

~Sailor Moo rambles on again, Episode 17~

Valerie: In seventh grade, he made me watch . . . the pineapple man videos. (dum dum dum)

Special K: No! Not THE dreaded L'anana tapes, feared by all who have ever taken French!

Valerie: Yes. THOSE tapes. (dum dum dum) Not to be confused with the dreaded banana tapes, though the names are awfully similar.

Julie: The tales of horror about them from ex-French students is what made me take Spanish. I'm sorry I questioned your fear. It's well justified.

Vanessa: The torment that man put you through . . . how did you ever survive?

Valerie: With many hours of therapy. And Niki. She was there too, being my moral support.

Eva: You mean, Niki was forced to see them too?

Valerie: She was in my class.

Mallory: No wonder she's so weird! Niki's odd and somewhat distant behavior must be due to the fact that back in seventh grade, she was forced to watch a singing pineapple man get chased around by a chef with a large knife!

Valerie: Don't forget the skeleton rock band.

~Valerie reveals to the other senshi why former French teacher, B*tch must be feared, Episode 17~

Julie: In the name of the Moo Kingdom, and for Valerie and Niki's sake, who have both been royally screwed up by that horrible singing pineapple man you forced them to watch, I will punish you! So what do you have to say to that, huh?

B*tch #5: Bonjour. Hallo. Salut.

Valerie: Ah! He's mocking you with lyrics! Kill him!

~Sailor Moo threatens an unfazed B*tch #5, Episode 17~

Mallory: Are you sure you're ready to do this?

Valerie: Yes. But I am afraid. I can not do it alone.

Mallory: Valerie, even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

Julie: Hey! Are you insulting my height?

~Mallory helps Valerie mentally prepare for the battle with B*tch #5, Episode 17~

Captain Stewie: I am beyond help. My powers are nearly completely drained. There is only one thing that could save me now.

Eva: What is it?

Captain Stewie: A well-written, four page, five paragraph essay, typed and double spaced with no grammatical or spelling errors, with one inch margins, and with the author's last name and page number on each page in the upper right hand corner, save for the first page.

Valerie: Oh yeah, let me just pull one of those out my a$$.

~Valerie and Eva attempt to comfort a dying Captain Stewie, Episode 17~

Mallory: Boudreaux's Butt Paste! That's his weakness! That's what will destroy him!

Eva: Well, does anyone happen have any? Perhaps it is also in Valerie's a$$?

~Mallory and Eva, upon discovering B*tch #5's weakness, Episode 17~

Niki: Okay, so you're saying the heart comes before the appetizer? Like bread? Does that mean I don't need a fork? (upon realizing Sailor Mini Moo is the sacrifice) Oh! That's Sailor Mini Moo! I have to eat her heart?


Niki: Well, we did sort of fight evil together, and I'm sure that she helped me out in battle more than once. I mean, I feel kind of bad for being like, 'thanks for saving me, and to show my appreciation, I'm going to eat your heart now'.

Caroline St. Ramen: BUT YOU WEREN'T FRIENDS?

Niki: Of course not! I mean, she's blonde! Besides, her color of preference is pink and she has a really annoying name. She deserves to die.

~Niki and Caroline St. Ramen discuss Mistress 13's heart eating ceremony, Episode 17~

Niki: 'Look inside yourself'. 'Look inside yourself and you will see your innards.' Oh, sorry. 'Look inside yourself and you will find your way.'

~Niki, trying to read the lips of her mirror-self in her dreams, Episode 17~


~Mistress 13, upon eating Alexia's heart, Episode 17~

Valerie: She's obviously trying to keep us away from Mistress 13. If we don't get back in time to stop her, then Pharaoh 130 will ascend to this reality, and all will be lost. Possibly. But I'm still not sure where the whole heart-eating thing comes in. I mean, that was just really random and kind of weird.

Mallory: Right. Eating hearts is weird, but biting people's ears and/or heads off is just totally normal.

Valerie: Exactly.

~Valerie and Mallory, discussing the motives behind RA's attack, Episode 18~

Bob: RA was your partner in crime! You should have done something to stop her!

Special K: Well, if you pathetic freshmen had managed to destroy us in the last battle, then we wouldn't be here in the first place!

Bob: Hey, at least we weren't the ones who lost to pathetic freshmen!

Special K: Bob, why don't you go fall off another cliff? Only this time, don't come back!

Bob: I didn't fall off! I was thrown into the Gorge of Eternal Peril, thank you very much.

Special K: Because you were too damn stupid to know the color of your own skirt!

~Special K and Bob, arguing after being banished to a strange land by Special K's ex-partner, Episode 18~

Valerie: Julie, haven't you forgotten about someone? You know . . . he's hairy. And Italian. And about yea tall.

Julie: Who?

Valerie: Oh, come on! He wears tuxedos for no apparent reason and you have a daughter from the future with him. Only she's dead now and she's not really a girl.

Julie: Oh him. I am so over him. Has he even been around lately? I mean, when was the last time he actually showed up? Episode nine?

~Valerie confronts Julie about her continuing obsession with the Fairy Who Likes Coke and Peanuts, Episode 18~

Eva: Special K, stop it. You're acting like a sophomore.

Special K: Ouch, Eva. When you attack, you really hit below the belt, huh?

~Eva admonishes Special K for acting childish, Episode 18~

Julie: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rabbit I've ever set eyes on! That rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer!

Vanessa: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh no, you knew it all didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it?

~Julie and Vanessa discuss the fearsome killer rabbit, their newest obstacle, Episode 18~

Vanessa: You mustn't give up. You must save the world without me. Tell Malcolm that I never stopped loving him, even when he started shedding on my couch and using a litter box. Someone will have to care for him when I'm gone.

Mallory: I'm sure Niki would be more than willing. Er . . . that is when she's not evil anymore. I promise we won't give Malcolm to anyone that eats hearts for dinner. Or breakfast.

~Mallory comforts the dying Vanessa after a vicious rabbit attacks, Episode 18~

Eva: This is going to sound completely ridiculous. Above all other things, I must never ever dance around naked on a hilltop under the fourth full moon of the new year, holding a dying, featherless chicken in one hand and rubbing the tummy of a green wax Buddha statue with the other, while hopping on one foot and reciting the Australian legend of The Lonely Platypus backwards and in Spanish.

Special K: Well, surely you didn't break that one!

Eva: I was really bored last Tuesday.

~Eva reveals the fourth taboo that she has broken which will lead to her banishment, Episode 18~

RA: Oh, how touching. The loss of a teammate brings forth unexpressed feelings of friendship. Blah blah blah. It's all a bit too sappy for me. Save it for the Lifetime channel.

~Rootbeer and Almonds, mocking the senshi after Eva is banished, Episode 19~

Julie: I can't believe this is happening! First Vanessa, now Mallory. It's like episode seven, all over again! Soon I'll be the only one left.

~Julie, lamenting over the deaths of her teammates, Episode 19~

Julie: Valerie! You moron! You stabbed yourself with your own sword! Could you be any dumber?

Valerie: At least I didn't blow myself up.

Julie: You're right, Mallory wins. Do you think you'll make it? Your wound doesn't look that bad. I was wrong. Is it weird that this makes me think of something Niki would do?

Valerie: No, it's not weird. The whole impaling thing totally reminds me of Niki. I wish she were here with a fishing pole sticking through her chest. Then I wouldn't have to die alone. No offense.

~Julie and Valerie exchange last words after Valerie stabs herself with a sword, Episode 19~

Special K: Weren't Valerie, Vanessa, and Mallory with you?

Julie: Yes.

Special K: Where are they now?

Julie: Dead. Impaled, bitten, and blown up. What about Bob, Eva, and Jeff?

Special K: They're dead too. Smooshed, vanished, and just dead. Wow, this sucks a lot.

~Julie and Special K meet up again as the last living senshi, Episode 19~

Left Head: Oh drat! They're gone. And I really wanted a shrubbery.

Middle Head: Well, it's your fault they got away.

Left Head: It's not my fault! You're the one who didn't say 'Ni' menacingly enough!

Right Head: It's no one's fault. Let's just go have some tea and biscuits.

Left Head: Right, only no tea.

Middle Head: And no biscuits.

~After Julie and Special K flee the three-headed Knight Who Says "Ni", the Knight's heads argue with each other, Episode 19~


Julie: It's not a bucket, it's a pail! And, damn it for Christ's sake, it's holy!

~Mistress 13 and Julie face off, Episode 19~

Mirror Niki: You are lost, but now you must return. Reclaim what is yours. Fight the darkness.

Niki: I am so confused! Don't speak words ever!

Mirror Niki: Fight her! Fight Mistress 13! Look inside yourself!

Niki: You people keep saying that, but you're not explaining anything! Unless you have x-ray vision, it is impossible to see through anything. Believe me, I know. I've tried.

Mirror Niki: Silence! You must find your connection to the world above! Find a reason for living, and live again! You're running out of time. You must -

Niki: A reason for living, a reason for living, let me think. My family? Hah! My school? Screw that! My life in general? Yep, that sucks too. My cats? My cats! My babies! Left all alone in my house with those horrible people for all eternity? I could never do that to them! Take me back, world! I want to live again!

~Niki and Mirror Niki, speaking within Niki's mind, gathering strength to fight Mistress 13, Episode 19~


Julie: Shut up already! And get a haircut!

~Mistress 13 is defeated by Niki as Julie looks on, Episode 19~

Mallory: (to Niki) Julie's just telling us about all this stuff that happened that none of us can remember. Hey, did you shrink or something? You look shorter than usual.

Julie: Niki was reincarnated as someone several inches shorter! Of course!

Niki: I was reincarnated? When?

Julie: You were all reincarnated! When you died!

Niki: We died?!

Mallory: We die?!

Bob: We're going to die?!

Valerie: Don't you hate when that happens?

~The senshi learn that they all died before the final battle and were reincarnated along with a shorter Niki, Episode 19~

SMoo Randomness:
Jeff: She looks exactly the same as when she's wearing her sailor outfit. Only an idiot would be fooled.