Meanwhile, back in the
ghetto of Beau Chene . . .
"Ahem," Smeezer cleared her throat, trying to gain the cloaked figure's attention. "Master?"
"WHAT DO
YOU WANT?"
"Did it
go badly? I smelled it going
badly," Bentfence said sadly.
"WHY, YES
IT DID. HOWEVER COULD YOU HAVE GUESSED THAT. DO YOU WANNA
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IN THE LAST WEEK?"
"You were
molested?" Smeezer guessed.
"FIVE TIMES! FIVE TIMES BY SCARY SAILOR SCOUT PEOPLE. IT WAS . . . IT WAS HORRIBLE! ESPECIALLY THAT LAST TIME BY THAT DAMN
INVISIBLE GIRL! AH, I WAS . . . I DON'T
WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT."
"Now what
are you going to do, Master?" Bentfence asked.
"HMM . .
. THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION. I'M . . .
GOING TO WAIT . . . UNTIL THE TIME IS RIGHT. MWHAHAHAHA! MWHAHAHAHA! LAUGH WITH ME, PLEASE!"
"MWHAHAHAHA!"
"COME,
SMEEZER!" Mr. Mister commanded. "LET US BEGONE."
Unfortunately,
as Professor Smeezer took a step forward, her
clay-ball like figure fell over and she began rolling around on the floor,
unable to regain her footing. "I've
fallen, and I can't get up!" Smeezer cried.
"GET
UP! GET UP!" Mr. Mister commanded,
and when that didn't work, he began kicking the clay ball across the floor
towards the super-secret underground cavern exit.
The next day
dawned much as the day before (but in a boring town, the weather is usually
boring along with everything else).
"It's
another day of summer and we are still wearing our school uniforms,"
Mallory pointed out from her perch on Valerie's bed.
"Yeah,"
Valerie agreed. "You know, we need
to do something different today . . . you know,
something fun."
"I know what we can do," Julie said. "We can go down to Tuxedo Dego's place and "
"NO!"
"I
know! We can go to the beach!" Niki suggested. "I really want to go swimming."
"But that
would require us to take off our school uniforms!" Valerie sputtered. "Which we must never, never do."
"Never,
never, never," Bob started chanting. "Never, never, never . . . Then it got old and so she stopped.
"But . .
. I really want to go swimming," Niki said
sadly.
"I have
an idea . . ." Mallory said.
Five minutes
later, the senshi were piled into Julie's hunk-o-junk
Toyota, driving down Valerie's
ridiculously long street, and heading for a day of fun. As the car sped down the road at sixty miles
an hour, bouncing three feet in the air as it hit the enormous potholes
Valerie's crazy neighbor had dug in the street, the senshi
were beginning to doubt Julie's ability to keep them alive.
"Julie,
are you sure you know how to drive?" Niki asked.
Julie considered that for a moment. "Well . . . of course I do! Just a bit rusty."
"When was
the last time you drove?"
"Umm . .
. it was some time last year . . . when I ran over Krystina."
"Weee! This is fun!" Bob cried gleefully as the
car sailed over the stop sign that directly followed the hole in the road that
they bounced out of going faster than the 1980s speedometer could
calculate. Without warning, she changed
her mind as her face turned green and she leaned out of the window . . .
"Uh oh .
. ." Julie said, her eyes widening. "Guys! Giant pothole! Better hold on
tight!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The senshi screamed as the car hit the hole, jarring them out
of the junky vehicle which sadly had no seatbelts or roof. Fortunately, being made out of plastic, the
stunt double Barbies were hardly injured in take
after take.
"Guys? Are you alright?" Julie called back from the seat where she had managed to stay lodged. The other senshi were lying around on the ground, moaning in various stages of pain and anguish.
"Oh. My ankle. My ankle," Niki
said.
After the senshi used their superhero recuperative abilities (and
Harry Potter glow in the dark bandaids) to patch up
their various bloody wounds, they managed to make it to the movie theatre in
approximately how many pieces they set out in.
"Wow . .
." Mallory said, gazing at the bag of popcorn that was as big as she
was. "They sure make popcorn bigger
than they used to."
"Hey,
what's the name of this movie again?" Valerie asked, gazing up at the
screen.
"Sailor Moon."
"Sailor
Moon, huh?" Valerie repeated, munching on popcorn. "Does that sound vaguely familiar to
you?"
"Why,
what do you mean?" Julie asked.
Valerie
shrugged. "Well, you know . . .
Sailor Moon . . . Sailor Moo . . . that doesn't sound, like, the same or
anything?"
"Nah,"
the other senshi chorused in synchronization.
Suddenly, a
figure leaped out of the giant bag of popcorn set up between the senshi, spraying kernels all over the movie theatre floor.
"Tada!" Niki cried. She began dancing around, popcorn falling
from her hair. "Guess who's
swimming in popcorn! Guess who's
swimming in popcorn! Woo hoo!"
Valerie rolled
her eyes. "Why don't you go back to
swimming in popcorn? You're interrupting
the movie."
"Okay!" Niki said cheerfully before diving back into the salty pool of buttery popcorn goodness.
After the
Japanese cartoon ended, the senshi headed to the
aquarium down the street.
"Isn't
the aquarium fun?" Mallory asked cheerfully.
"Why, yes
it is," the others agreed.
"But you
guys," Julie said, "where did Niki
go?"
"Here I
am!" Niki cried. They all looked up to see the red-head standing on a platform above the
fish tank.
"Niki, what are you doing up there?!" the others cried
anxiously.
Niki smiled. "I
am going swimming with the fishies now. Goodbye!" With a splash, she dove into the water.
"WAIT!" Mallory cried, but it was too late. "That tank . . . is the shark and
piranha tank."
"Bye, Niki, it's been nice knowing you," Valerie said sadly.
Miraculously, Niki was rescued from the shark and piranha tank before the
sea creatures could develop a taste for semi-kosher red-heads,
and after a brief trip to the emergency room and more Harry Potter glow in the
dark band aids, the senshi headed back to Valerie's
house for a relaxing time of playing nintendo games.
"Wow, you
guys were right about that shark and piranha thing," a bandaged Niki said. "Not
only was it not a good idea, but it was a bad idea. I've learned my lesson."
Mallory
nodded. "It's a good thing we
decided to play video games. I mean, no
one can get hurt playing a video game."
"Besides,"
Valerie added, controller in hand and gleam in her eye. "Banjoo Kazooie is like the best game ever!"
Niki jumped up suddenly, as quickly as her broken leg would
allow and gazed in wonder at the screen. "Banjoo Kazooie? Banjo Kazooie! Oh boy! Oh boy!!" She prepared to leap for the screen. "Mr. Walrus, I'm coming!" Niki cried. She threw herself at the screen.
With a crash, Niki hit the hard surface of the TV and fell to the floor.
Groaning with
pain, Niki sadly lamented, "Mr. Walrus . . . I
wanted to go swimming with you . . . Ow."
Mallory and
Valerie looked at each other. "Dear
God, she never learns."
Some time
later after Niki had recovered from her rather bad
encounter with the television (and after more Harry Potter glow in the dark
band aids), the senshi headed over to McDonald's
because . . .
well, they were pretty much out of anywhere else in the small,
pathetic, boring town to go.
"Wow, it
was a good idea to come here after all that hard work," Valerie said. "I'm starving!"
"McDonald's:
America's fast
food restaurant," Mallory said.
Bob frowned. "I don't like McDonald's," she
complained. "It makes me look
fat."
"But Bob,
you already are fat," Julie pointed out.
"That
wasn't nice!" the blonde replied.
"Guys . .
. I hate to ask this, but uh . . . where's Niki?"
Valerie asked.
"Hi
guys!" Niki cried out from the back of the
restaurant.
"Niki, what are you doing over there?!" they cried.
"I'm
swimming in the coke machine!" Niki
replied. "No, no I am not swimming
. . . I am drowning! Help! Help! I'm drowning! Gwoulp gwoulp," she sputtered as she went under the surface
of the syrupy beverage.
When they
couldn't hear Niki anymore, the senshi
just stood together, slowly shaking their heads in disbelief. Outside, the birds chirped happily in the
awkward period of silence.
Unfortunately
for the senshi, Niki's
coke-swimming/drowning thing hadn't turned out for the best. After the red-head had been rescued from the
drink dispenser by the local paramedics, the senshi
had all been rounded up and sent to a hospital. Not just any hospital, but one of the many mental institutions located
in Loserville.
It didn't take
long for the hospital workers to determine that the group of
girls were definitely crazy (it didn't help that Valerie tried to bite a
nurse's ear off and that Niki, finding no larger
sources of watery liquids to swim in, had tried to climb into the toilet). Now the senshi were
locked away in a bright white room with padded walls, each rendered incapable
of killing Niki because of the straight jackets they
were forced into.
Mallory
sighed. "Niki,
of all places, you had to jump in the coke machine of the McDonald's, a public place! What were you thinking, damn it?!"
"And now they think we're insane!"
Valerie cried, completely overlooking the fact that, in her case at least, they
were right. "I mean, look! They've wrapped us up in straight
jackets! I mean, I'm not that - okay, well, maybe I am, but I don't want to
be in a straight jacket!"
Bob attempted
to shrug. "I like straight
jackets! They're fun!"
Julie nodded
in agreement. "Yes. Straight jackets kind of remind me of Tuxedo Dego . . . running his arms all over my body!"
"Hey, why don't we make the best of this situation?" Niki suggested.
"What do
you mean?"
"Well, we
could throw our bodies against the padded walls!"
Within a
couple of minutes, that's exactly what they were doing.
"Look at
me! Look at me! Yahoo!" Valerie
cried as she propelled her body forward against the wall. She hit the padding, bounced off, and fell to
the floor. "That was great! Padded walls are fun!" she cried from a
heap of arms, legs, and straight jackets.
"Niki go BOOM!" Niki cried,
leaping at the wall, before falling to the ground in a similar heap.
"Help! I've
fallen and I can't get up!" Valerie cried after realizing without the use
of her arms she wasn't able to do anything more than roll over.
From where she
sat against the wall, watching the others throwing their bodies around, Mallory
sighed. "What did I do to deserve
this?" she sobbed.
A few minutes
later, a nurse came in, and after freeing the senshi
from their jackets and helping them to their feet, she announced that they had
a visitor.
"Maybe it
is Tuxedo Dego coming to bail us out of the insane
asylum, so that we can go to the back of Lauren's car and . . . never
mind."
"Maybe
it's the walrus!" Niki cried excitedly. "I love the walrus!"
"No,
there is no walrus," the nurse replied. "But there is a big, scary, cloaked guy," she said before
leaving the room.
"Big?"
Julie repeated. But
not big, hairy, and Italian. Damn.
"Scary?"
Bob echoed, vaguely remembering that she had molested someone scary recently.
"Cloaked?"
Mallory mumbled, wracking her brain for a connection to someone big, scary, and
cloaked that they had met before.
"Guy . .
." Valerie said.
"Hmm . .
." Niki wondered out loud.
"I wonder
who that could be?!!"
"I wanna know! I wanna know! I wanna know!" Mallory cried impatiently, not wanting to
be confused any longer.
Suddenly, a
big, scary, cloaked guy leaped into the room. "MWHAHAHAHA! IT IS I!" he yelled triumphantly.
The senshi were all really confused. "WHO ARE YOU?" they cried.
If he had a
face, the cloaked figure would have appeared crestfallen. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? DO YOU NOT REMEMBER ME? WE MET BUT A MONTH AGO . . ."
The senshi exchanged looks and shrugged in
synchronization. "Um . . . well . . . er . . . hmm . . . heh . . ." they all voiced, futilely trying to come up
with a response.
"Oh! Oh! Oh!" "You're the guy who installed the new
carpet in our house!"
"NO, I
WASN'T!"
"Oh, I
know!" Mallory cried. "You
were the . . . uh, air conditioning man?"
"The plumber! The plumber!" Bob cried.
"NO, DAMN
IT! I'M EVIL!"
"You're
Bob! You're Bob!" Valerie cried.
"You're evil! You're Bob!"
"I AM
NOT! I AM YOUR DEFEATED FOE!"
The senshi were still stumped. "Are you Professor Smeezer?" Julie
guessed.
"NO! PROFESSOR SMEEZER IS A WOMAN!"
"Professor
Smeezer was a woman?" That surprised all of them.
The cloaked
figure had long since tired of the stupid game. "DAMN IT! I AM MR.
MISTER!"
The senshi gasped in horror. "No! Oh no! Not Mr. Mister! Not Mr. Mister! Not - wait, who are you again?"
"Your
name is Mr. Mr.?" Niki asked, really
confused. "So how do you spell
that? Is that like "M-R-M-R or
something?"
"NO! IT'S M-R-M - NEVERMIND! THE POINT IS, I AM GOING TO DEFEAT YOU ALL! RIGHT NOW!"
"Not if I
have anything to say about it!" Julie retorted. "Come, girls!"
"MOO
PENCIL POWER - MAKE UP!"
"UNICO
RHOMBI POWER - MAKE UP!"
"24601
RHOMBI POWER - MAKE UP!"
"PSYCHY
RHOMBI POWER - MAKE UP!"
"UNKNOWN
RHOMBI POWER - MAKE UP!"
Five minutes
later, after the senshi had finished transforming,
they huddled together, posing like they had seen the Sailor Moon soldiers
posing in the movie earlier that day. "WE'RE THE SAILOR SENSHI! AND WE ARE GOING TO DEFEAT YOU!"
Julie stepped forward and glared at Mr. Mister. "I am Sailor Moo, the Champion of Justice! And in the name of the Moo Kingdom, for all of you girls out there who love guys in tuxedos, I will defeat the bad guy. I will rip his head off and show it on display at the museum, and then I am going to do something very cool because I am Sailor Moo, and it is what I do. But first, I am going to say for all of you girls out there who like TV - and guys who wear tuxedos - because both are very, very good things, I am going to "
"WILL YOU NEVER SHUT UP?!!" A furiously annoyed Mr. Mister yelled.
"No! I cannot! For I am Sailor Moo, and I must go on and on and on! And I will defeat you now, you evil cloaked man! Take this!"
"MOO SLINKY - SURROUND!"
A slinky shot out and hit Mr. Mister in the head before falling to the ground.
Julie tried again.
"MOO SLINKY - SURROUND!"
This time, the slinky shot out and successfully wrapped itself around Mr. Mister.
"AH! WHAT IS GOING ON? HELP ME! HELP ME! AH!!"
"Mwhahahaha," Julie chortled. "You did not know that my slinky had special rebound effects! Take that! Take that you bastard!"
"SO YOU THINK YOU HAVE ME, SAILOR MOO? GUESS AGAIN!" With a maniac laugh, Mr. Mister glowed brightly, and in a flash of light, the slinky shattered into a thousand pieces and fell to the ground.
Julie's eyes were wide with shock. "I am going to run away now," she said, before taking off at a sprint. "Run away, run away!" she yelled to the other senshi.
"Uh oh!" Niki cried. "Sailor Moo ran from the fight! I though she never ran from a real fight!"
"Take that!" Mallory cried, kicking the cloaked man with her super kicking powers. When that didn't work, she tried her actual super powers."
"THE SEA IS ALWAYS GOOD!"
Unfortunately, it was just as worthless.
"INVISIBLE SHOCK!"
And when that didn't work, Bob tried a new tactic. "I'm going to throw my shoe at him!" she cried. So, she did. And when she ran out of her own shoes, she started throwing everyone else's.
"STOP THROWING THE SHOES! HA HA! DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT ME WITH FOOTWEAR?"
"I'm gonna bite your ears off!" Valerie cried, leaping at Mr. Mister while trying to figure out where his ears were under his cloak.
"Hi ya>!" Niki threw herself at the cloaked man, and (reminiscent of the padded walls), bounced right back. She tried again, but unfortunately misjudged as to Mr. Mister's precise location and leaped a little too far to his right out the door.
From where she lay in a bloody heap on the hallway floor, Niki cried, "I'm okay!"
"MWHAHAHAHA. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT ME WHEN YOU ARE NOT ACTING AS ONE? THESE ATTEMPTS ARE PATHETIC! STOP THROWING THE SHOES! THAT IS NOT VERY NICE, YOU MORON!"
"Guys, this isn't working!" Mallory cried. "If we are going to defeat Mr. Mister, we have to work together!"
"The ground is hurting my tender feet!" Bob complained.
"Well, you're the one who threw our shoes at him, you moron!"
"I know!" Niki said after managing to untangle herself from the floor. "Sushi!"
"What?"
"Sushi!"
"SENSHI!!"
"That Sailor Sushi Power thing."
"It's Planet Power, moron," Valerie told her. "But, can we do it without Julie?" They all looked at each other and nodded in determination. "Yeah! We don't need her, do we?"
"That b*tch!" Bob agreed.
"Alright, let's go!" Mallory cried.
"SAILOR SUSHI PLANET POWER ATTACK!" the senshi cried in synchronization at Mr. Mister who had begun to doze off after the shoes had seized their flight, nearly bored to tears from the lack of action.
Streams of purple, blue, green, and purple - no, orange - lights flew out, squarely hitting the cloaked man who began screaming in agony. Mr. Mister fell to the ground and remained there.
After tying up their twice defeated foe, the senshi revived him and brought him to a standing up position so that they could get a good look at his face.
"Now that we've defeated you, I'm going to find out who you really are!" Mallory said before dramatically pulling off the cloaked man's hood.
The senshi gasped in shock and surprise. It was Ken Barbie! No, wait - It was Cajun Man!
"Damnation," Cajun Man said.
"CAJUN MAN!" the senshi cried in recognition.
"Kevin."
"But we defeated you!" Valerie protested. "How did your evil self come back to life?"
"Reincarnation."
"Why would you come back?" Niki asked.
"Ruin summer vacation!"
"That's not a very good reason!" Bob said. "What did we ever do to you?"
"Sexual molestation."
"But I only molested someone in my dream," Niki said.
"Dream infestation."
Niki gasped. "You were the walrus??!!"
"Correction."
"You were pretending to be the walrus?"
Being unable to think of an "ion" ending, Cajun Man simply nodded.
"Did you ever pretend to be the Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts?" Valerie asked.
"Imitation," Cajun Man agreed.
"Did you ever pretend to be the voices in my head?"
"Schizophrenation."
Valerie's eyes widened. "Then you were the one who led me into a dark alley and .. ."
"Confrontation?"
"That's horrible!" Valerie cried before falling silent. She was of course the one who had incited the . . . confrontation.
Mallory had a bad feeling about Cajun Man would respond to her question. "Did you ever have amnesia?"
"Hospitalization."
Mallory's face grew red. "I am so sorry. I thought that was our destiny," she mumbled. "Apparently it's not. My mistake."
"Did you ever turn invisible?" Bob asked. "Because I . . . couldn't see the guy I was molesting."
Invisiblation. BIG Mistaktion."
"What are we going to do with you?" Niki said.
"Probation?"
"But that didn't work last time!"
Cajun Man looked sad. "Imprisonation?"
"Oh no! That is far too nice!" Valerie glared.
"Mental institution?"
"Yeah!" the senshi chorused.
"Damnation."
The next day, the senshi (minus Julie) had gathered in Valerie's bedroom once again. They were sitting around doing nothing because after the day before, they had run out of things to do in Loserville.
"Valerie, please let me into your room," Julie asked from the outside in the hall. "It is no fun standing out here, looking in."
"Excuse me, but you abandoned us in our fight and that just pissed me off royally, so you are just going to have to stay out there," Valerie replied.
"You b*tch!" Bob added (for extra emphasis).
"Fine!" Julie huffed. "I will just go off with Tuxedo Dego and we will find much more fun things to do."
"You whore!" Bob replied (for extra emphasis).
"Wow, I can't believe summer vacation is almost over," Mallory said sadly.
"I can't wait to wear my school uniform again!" Niki said cheerfully.
"Niki, we wore our school uniforms the entire summer," Mallory reminded her.
"Oh yeah! Whoops."
"Just think," Valerie said dreamily. "Next year, we won't be freshmen anymore! We'll be-"
"SOPHOMORES!" they all screamed.
"Ex-freshmen!" Niki said gleefully.
The others glared at Niki. How dare she use the "f" word in such a manner!
"He he . . ." Niki chuckled nervously. "Sophomores?"
And with that, the crazy summer adventures of the Sailor Senshi came to a close. Until next time . . .