Once upon a time there was a girl named Niki. One day she —

Hey, don’t leave! I know what you’re thinking. You are probably remembering the last story about this odd girl named Niki. I know that you don’t believe me. You think I’m a loony.

It really happened. I swear.

While changing a lightbulb during an electrical storm, Niki was transported into the Wonderful Land Of Oz. While there, she met the Cheese, two blondes, an evil moo bar, the Butts, and the Great Mr. Mister Of Oz. She also defeated the evil French teachers of the East and West.

You still don’t believe me? There’s proof.

Mr. Mister gave Niki the Cheese to thank her for defeating the evil French teacher of the West and for recovering his invisible sheep herding stick. Okay, so technically, Niki’s adorable cat, Nummy, ate the cheese.

That is totally not the point.

I can see that you need a little more convincing. Hey — why are you looking at me like that? I’m not crazy. Where do you think you’re going?

Come back! You can’t escape. All the doors are locked and all the windows have bars. I guess you’ll just have to stay. Mwhahahahaha. (Evil laugh)

So anyway, one day Niki, and her good buddy Mallory were hanging out in Niki’s room. Amazingly enough, that day Niki’s floor was cleared. That might have been because she shoved all of her things under her bed . . .

But anyway, I’m off the point. So, they were hanging out, listening to the RENT cd (they’re SLIGHTLY obsessed) and trying to see who could sing the loudest. You think that’s scary? Just wait and see what happens next.

Suddenly — much to Niki’s horror, an ugly, horrible, frightening creature burst into her room. Mallory screamed.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Niki said, trying to calm down the hysteric girl. “That’s just Jason, my brother.”

Mallory screamed again.

Then the ugly, horrible, frightening creature spoke. “Will you people stop singing? You sound like dying cats. Besides, I’m watching THE video and reading THAT book, so I need to concentrate.”

When he left, Mallory stopped screaming.

“Are you okay?” Niki asked.

Mallory’s eyes were wide with horror. “It . . . it was so hideous!”

“I know. Sad ain’t it?”

“I had no idea. You poor, poor person.”

“Yeah.” The two were quiet for a moment, still trying to recover from the encounter. Then, Niki began crawling around on the floor.

“Niki . . . what are you doing?”

“I’m looking for Nummy. She’s just the cutest kitty in the whole world. She’s so precious. And she has such big eyes, and such big ears, and — “

”Such big teeth?” Mallory interrupted.

“No. Not really.”

The two were quiet for a moment. Again.

“So . . . “ Niki said, trying to ignite conversation. “How ‘bout them Saints? My grandmother could play better football than them.”

Before Mallory could come up with a clever, intelligent response to what Niki said, a rock came soaring through the window, hitting Niki right in the face.

“Oh my gosh! Niki, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It just hit me in the head going about 70 mph.”

“Thank goodness you don’t have anything up there.”

“If I did, I don’t think my head would be hard enough to withstand the force.”

Mallory picked up the rock which had a piece of paper tied to it. “Hey, what’s this?”

Niki grabbed the paper eagerly. “Maybe it’s a treasure map.” Her eyes quickly scanned over the message scrawled in childish red ink. “Nope, it’s just a ransom note for Nummy.” Her eyes grew wide. “A RANSOM NOTE FOR NUMMY!”

“Oh no,” Mallory cried. “Who kidnaped her?”

“I don’t know.” Niki peered closer at the paper. “Hey, I recognize that paw print! It’s Mischief’s!”

“You mean, Mischief, the evil cat that ran away and got fat?” Mallory smiled. “Hey that rhymed.”

“Yes. Mischief.” Niki’s eyes grew dark. “We must get Nummy back!”

“But, how? We don’t know where she’s being held!”

A look of defiance rose in Niki’s face. “I know who could help us. Quick! To the Batcave!” Niki took off running down the hall.

“Niki,” Mallory called after the figure. “We don’t have a Batcave.”

“A batmobile?”

“We can’t drive.”

“Bats?”

“No . . .”

Niki stopped. “Right. I knew that. Damn. Carry on.”

“Who can help?”

“Mr. Mister Of Oz.”

“Oh, no, Niki. Sit down. I think the excitement is getting to you.”

“You don’t believe me about Mr. Mister, huh?”

Mallory shrugged. “Well . . . “

Niki rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t matter what you think. Quick! I need a lightbulb, a metal chair, and a lightening storm.”

“Niki. Sit down.”

“No! We must save Nummy!”

“Niki,” Mallory said again, more firmly. “It’s not raining. We can’t just make a storm materialize out of nowhere.”

“We can’t? Damn.” An evil grin lit up Niki’s face. “Oh well. I have a better idea!”

Down in the damp, dreary, and dark basement, Mallory stood in the corner while Niki fiddled with some electrical wires. She wanted to recreate the electrical charge that had transported her to the Land Of Oz last time.

Mallory was bored. “Niki, this basement sure is damp, dreary, and dark. Can we leave now?”

Niki didn’t answer. Instead she held up two wires in the air. “This is it. Are you ready?”

Mallory’s eyes went wide. “No, Niki! Don’t connect those wires! If you do, something not good will happen.”

“That’s the whole point.” Hypnotized into a crazy, paranoid state — that was actually quite normal for her — Niki twisted the wires together. The wires started wriggling around and tossing sparks.

Amazingly, just as a loud crash of thunder sounded, Niki cackled, her eyes blazing. “It’s ALIVE! My creation is ALIVE!”

Suddenly, everything went black.

When the two girls awoke, everything was still black . . . and white. Niki had done it — again. The electrical shock transported them to the wonderful land of Oz.

Only problem was, well . . . the land of Oz wasn’t too wonderful at this moment in time. It seemed that Niki and Mallory had been transported to the corner of Oz where the tiny cannibal people lived.

Not good for them.

“Amazing!” Niki yelled in a horrible British accent. “Tiny little people!”

“Oh my gosh!” Mallory cried. “You did it! We’re in Oz!”

“Duh.”

Then Mallory seemed to realize that they were tied up to a pole with a pile of sticks at their feet. “Uh . . . Niki?”

“Yeah?”

“We’re tied up and it looks like the little people are about to set us on fire.”

“So I noticed.”

“Isn’t that bad?”

“I’d think so, yes.”

Mallory was getting a little mad. “Do you know what these people are?”

“I have no clue.”

“I thought you came to Oz before.”

“Yeah.”

Mallory’s face was turning red. “Your one word answers are not helping.”

“Sorry.”

“Say something helpful please!”

“They’re shorter than me.”

“So?”

Niki shrugged. “I thought that was pretty cool.”

That’s when Mallory couldn’t take it anymore. Mallory, the good child. Mallory, the one who never curses. That same Mallory let out an extremely long string of very bad words I can not say now due to the fact this story must stay rated P.G.-13 (otherwise we wouldn’t be able to read it).

Yep, Mallory cursed. Lots of radio edits and moving mouths with nothing coming out. It was definitely a sight to see. Niki was so shocked she could barely breathe.

Oz does that to you.

Finally, Niki made a few sort-of intelligent remarks. “You cursed.”

“I realize that.”

“Who would’ve thought?”

“I can’t believe it.”

“It was inspired.”

“I must thank you and the munchkins that are going to roast us alive for driving me to the breaking point. I feel much better now.”

That’s when the little people came to inspect their dinners.

“Any last requests?” A short little man asked, holding out a flaming branch.

“Do you think you could let us go?” Niki pleaded.

“No. You are dinner.”

“Sucks to be me.”

The little man nodded. “But we will enjoy having you for supper. Literally.”

Mallory rolled her eyes. “That makes me feel soooooooo much better.”

Niki and Mallory thought their days were limited to . . . none. They were about to be burned alive at the stake and turned into . . . steak.

Lucky for them, by some miracle, a huge figure jumped out from the bushes, frightening the little people who all ran off. The little man dropped his flaming stick, and it burned out on the ground, and then he took off running as well.

“Whew,” Niki sighed.

“Not whew!” Mallory yelled. For the huge figure was a giant, dirty, smelly neanderthal-looking man and he was carrying a large club.

The neanderthal-looking man approached the two girls. He sniffed. “You no smell good.”

“You don’t smell so hot yourself,” Niki shot back.

“I Harry the Neanderthal. Who you?”

“I Niki the . . . Niki. She Mallory.”

“You tied to pole?”

“Good guess.” (Mallory had short nerves for stupid people) Oz can drive anyone insane.

“You not want tied to pole?”

Niki — who had been a little slow this entire story — was confused. “What did he say?”

“He’s gonna help us!” Mallory said with excitement.

And, help Harry the Neanderthal did give. Underestimating his own strength, he pulled the entire pole out of the ground — with Niki and Mallory still tied to it. “Oops. I sorry.”

Harry put the pole back in the ground, and then grabbed Niki’s arm — nearly ripping it off. Lucky for her, her arm was still attached when he put her on the ground.

The two thanked Harry and explained that they must be on their way to find Mr. Mister, defeat Mischief, and save Nummy.

No problem.

“I come?” Harry asked. “Mr. Mister help me find Amy-Joe, the six-legged, two-headed sheep, and Billy-Sue, the three-headed, eight-legged arachnid sheep.”

“Your friends have interesting names.”

“Harry know. I come?”

“Why not?” They all hooked arms and — “We’re off to see Mr. Mister! The Wonderful Mr. Mister of Oz!”

Soon the trio came upon a fork in the road. Literally.

“I know this place!” Niki exclaimed. She looked around, and sure enough, the blonde was there.

Only, she wasn’t blonde.

“Oh my gosh!” Niki yelled when she approached Bob. “You’re not blonde!”

Bob stared at Niki, an odd expression on her face. “Of course not, you silly child.”

Niki’s eyes widened. “Did you say something intelligent?”

“Of course I did, you whimpering simpleton. I am not an immature blonde. I am a highly-educated brunette.”

“You said something intelligent!” Niki had a hard time getting over that.

“Yes, Nicole Renier. I am an intelligent life form, after all. I am perfectly capable of forming words and sentences.”

“Really?”

Bob rolled her eyes. “Yes, I am. Charlie Brown did a wondrous job. Once I was a brunette, suddenly I knew all the secrets of the world. Chemistry came easily. Along with calculus, physics, trigonometry, several foreign languages, and the history of the earth.

“You said something intelligent.”

“Are you sure you’re not blonde?” Bob stared hard at the strange girl named Niki. “Perhaps at the roots.”

“I never thought I was blonde . . . but now I’m not so sure.” Niki stared amazed at Bob. “What’s 2 + 2?” she asked quickly.

“Four.”

“Just checking.”

That’s when Mallory and Harry walked up.

“Who’s that?” Mallory asked.

“It’s the blonde I was telling you about. Only . . . she’s not blonde.”

“I see.”

Bob shook hands with Mallory. “I am Bob Schultz, leader of the southern part of Oz, and officer and chief of the Ozian army.”

“Dude.”

“So, what ya doing here?” Niki asked.

Bob looked to the ground sadly. “It seems that the Great Mr. Mister has been kidnaped!”

“No!” Niki exclaimed horrified.”

“Yes!” Bob cried in response.”

“Who Mr. Mister?” (That would be Harry).

After a few minutes of trying to regain her composure, Niki spoke. “Who was it that kidnaped the Great Mr. Mister - who’s actually a Mouse?”

“It was Mischief!”

“No, not Mischief!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!” Niki yelled.

That was when Mallory slapped the two across their faces.

“What was that for?” Bob asked, rubbing her cheek.

“You two were acting like idiots!”

“That’s not possible!” Bob exclaimed, insulted. “I’m a brunette!”

“Me too,” Niki added. (Not that it made a difference in her case.)

“Who Mr. Mister?” (That would be Harry).

Mallory took a few deep breathes, and then continued. “Bob, I need you to tell us the entire story.”

“It started out once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far, away — “

”No,” Mallory cut her off. “The story of what happened to Mr. Mister.”

“Right. Well, after Niki left, Mr. Mister went out every morning to herd invisible sheep. He would frolic gaily about, running around in the fields, no longer cursed by the Evil Witch of the West. That’s when Special K came along.”

“Wait, Special K, the one that traveled with us to get batteries for her cd player?”

“That same one. The everlasting batteries she was given seemed to go straight to her head. Since she no longer had to roam aimlessly across the earth looking for batteries, she became power hungry. She decided it was time to take over the world.”

“No!” Niki exclaimed in horror.

“Yes. Sad, but true. When Mischief ran away again, he was somehow transported to Oz. The two joined forces. They decided together, Mischief would eat Mr. Mister, and Special K would take Mr. Mister’s place.”

“What does Nummy have to do with all of this?”

“Mischief seemed to be jealous of the fact Nummy was far cuter than he was.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Niki agreed. “Mischief must be destroyed!”

“I have been trying to find the Moo-Bar, and others to help us find where Mischief is hiding our poor leader. But, I have no idea where they are!”

“I know where they are.”

Niki, Bob, and the (SLIGHTLY confused) Harry turned to Mallory in shock.

“How could you know where they are?” Niki asked. “You’ve never even been to Oz before!”

“Elementary, my dear Niki. Elementary.” Mallory began pacing about and rubbing her chin thoughtfully. “It seems we have a case of missing friends. Special K became power hungry, so she decided to join forces with Mischief. But, from the stories you’ve told me, I can only come to the conclusion that they are — “

”Where? Where?” Niki cried eagerly.

“Somewhere in Oz.”

Bob smiled at Mallory. “Now there is a true brunette.”

The four friends hooked arms, and — “We’re off to see Mr. Mister! The Wonderful Mr. Mister of Oz!”

As the four trooped off to save Nummy, they had no idea they were being watched.

Probably because they weren’t being watched.

If Special K wasn’t quiet so lazy, I’m sure she would have been spying on the intruders. But, at that moment in time, Special K was lounging about on a leather spinning-chair while sipping Starbuck’s coffee. On her lap, was perched a rather large, hairless cat. It was Mischief. To the left of her stood a person in dark sunglasses. He was Special K’s number two man. His name . . . Number 2.

Number 2 coughed. “Uh . . . Dr. Evil?” (Special K was SLIGHTLY obsessed with ripping off movies).

“Yes?” Special K said.

“Would you like some more coffee?”

“Does it look like I want more coffee?” Special K asked, annoyed. “If I wanted some coffee I would say, ‘give me some coffee,’ don’t you think?” She rolled her eyes. “I am fed up with your insolence. Throw me a freaking bone here.”

“I am sorry, Dr. Evil.”

“Please, call me Dr. Evila.”

“If you wish.”

Special K was really bored. “I am really bored. Do you think we could, like, blow up the White House?”

“We’re in Oz. There is no White House.”

“Riiiigggght. What about that Niki girl? Could I go back in time and steal her mojo?”

“Uh . . . “ Number 2 was at a loss for words. “Niki doesn’t have mojo. You’re thinking of Austin.”

“Oh . . . right. That’s too bad. I enjoy taking over the world.”

“However, I do have something that might cheer you up.” Number 2 walked to the automatic sliding doors which began to slide open slowly. “I have successfully created a clone. She is exactly like you — “

The doors opened fully to reveal a tiny person.

“Only 1/8 your size.”

Special K jumped down excitedly and ran to the figure. “It is breathtaking. I shall call her . . . Mini-Moo.”