Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was very plain, very short, and very weird. No, her name was not Valerie, it was Niki.
One day, Niki was sitting in her room when suddenly her light burned out. She decided to use her immense wit and intelligence to change the lightbulb. Niki pulled out a metal chair, got a pair of metal pliers, and went about changing the metal lightbulb— just as lightning struck her metal roof. Yep, you guessed it, Niki’s brain (or what she had) was fried.
An hour later, Niki awoke to find herself in the bathtub. She figured the electric shock had thrown her across the house. Niki went outside to see if her house had been destroyed, and to her surprise, the moment she stepped outside, everything was in black and white.
As Niki walked around her house, taking in the sites since she was no longer in Loserville (not that she was overly sad about that). Instead she was somewhere very different. She stopped suddenly.
Upon seeing the feet sticking out from under her house (out of habit), Niki yelled, “Oh my God! They killed Kenny!” At that moment, a piece of cheese walked up and tapped Niki on the arm. Niki spun around.
“Help me!” she yelled. “Quick call 911, I killed Kenny!”
“No,” replied the cheese. “Your house landed on Mr. Schmith, the evil French teacher of the east. Kenny won’t be killed again until next episode.”
“Oh, cool.” Niki’s eyes widened. “Wow! I killed the French teacher by having my house land on him! I thought it would at least take a guillotine to do that.” Niki looked closer at the cheese. “Who are you anyway?”
“What do I look like to you? The tooth fairy? I am the stinky green cheese. I smell, I’m green, I could make you barf, and I like it that way.”
“Oh. Ok. Where am I?”
“What do you think this is?”
“What do you think this is, twenty questions? You are in Oz, the Land of the Wonderful Mr. Mister of Oz.”
“Oh . . . ok. Where?”
The cheese was getting annoyed. “Look, you see this road?” The cheese pointed to a winding grey concrete road.
“Where? I mean, yes. Isn’t it supposed to be a yellow brick road?”
“Follow this road until you get to the Brimstone City of Oz. You’ll meet Mr. Mister, and he’ll tell you how to destroy Mrs Voss, the evil French teacher of the west.”
“Ok, but first I have to get my cat. She’s ssooooo cute. Her name is Nummy and she’s got a little nose and little ears, and—”
The cheese cut her off. “Look, I care, I really do. NOT! After you get your stupid cat I have something to give you.”
Niki carried her kitten outside where she saw the cheese pulling off Mr Schmith’s Doc Martens. “Uh-uh! There is no way I’m putting his shoes on! That is so gross!”
The cheese glared. “Put on the shoes!”
“No!” the cheese yelled.
“Ha! I tricked you! I’m not wearing the shoes!”
“Fine, just leave!” So, Niki left.
After Niki and Nummy had been walking for a while, they came upon a ditzy-looking blonde.
“Who are you?” Niki asked.
“I am a blonde. I am a stupid prep. I have no brain, and blonde jokes were written about me.”
“Oh. I understand.” Niki thought for a minute. “So, what’s up?”
The blonde looked sad. “You are so lucky. You aren’t blonde. I wish I wasn’t a blonde. Maybe then I’d have a brain.”
“Why don’t you dye your hair?”
“Because sadly, I have no dye.”
“Oh. . . hmm . . . Well, I’m going to Mr. Mister of Oz, so maybe he could help you out.”
“Do you think? Would he make me smart?”
“Well . . . I don’t know about that, but . . . he could try.”
The blonde (whose name was Bob) jumped up and down excitedly. “Let’s go!”
They hooked arms and — “We’re off to see Mr. Mister! The Wonderful Mr. Mister of Oz!”
In a short period of time they came upon a fork in the road. Literally. There was just a fork lying in the middle of the road.
The blonde looked around. “Which way should we go? Don’t ask me, I’m blonde.”
Niki looked around and then she saw a girl standing by the side of the road, with a portable CD player in her hand. “Hi,” she said. “Do you know the way to the Brimstone City?”
Niki shrugged. “Never mind. What are you doing here?”
The girl (whose name is Special K) just stared ahead. “I was hoping I’d find a couple of batteries . . . or something.”
Bob approached them. “Oh wow! You have a CD player! Do you have the BSB or NSYNC??
Special K stared at her. “Riiiggghhhtt.”
Bob smiled. “Really? Cool! Could I listen to a CD?”
“I don’t have batteries.”
Bob frowned. “So . . .? Oh wait! I get it! You can’t play the music without batteries!”
Special K faked a preppy laugh. “Right!”
Bob smiled. “Oh wow! You are so smart! This is so great! We could become like best friends! And wow! You’re blonde too!”
“Not by choice.”
“Haha! You are so funny!”
Niki, who had been silent for a while, spoke up. “Maybe you could come with us to see Mr. Mister of Oz. He could give you some batteries . . . and . . .” Niki looked at Bob. “You could save me from . . . her.”
Special K shrugged. “Okay.” They all hooked arms and — “We’re off to see Mr. Mister! The Wonderful Mr. Mister of Oz!”
Soon, the three came upon a dark patch of woods.
“It’s scary,” said Niki.
“Yeah,” added Special K. “There could be lions.”
“Or evil French teachers!” Niki yelled.
“Lions and tigers, and evil French teachers, oh my!”
Suddenly, there was a shocking noise. Nummy hissed and leaped from Niki’s arms.
“Come back Nummy! Come back!”
Suddenly, a huge chocolate-covered popsicle-looking thing ran out of the woods.
“Aahhhhhhh!!!!!” everyone screamed. “It’s an alien!”
“No!” the chocolate-covered-thing yelled. “I am an evil Moo-Bar! Who are you, and are you evil?”
“Some people think so,” Niki replied. “We are just three people heading to the Brimstone City by following the grey concrete road.”
“What will you do when you get there?”
“We’re gonna ask Mr. Mister to grant us our wishes.”
The evil Moo-Bar looked interested. “Really?” The evil Moo-Bar sighed. “Do you think Mr. Mister could help me?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Sadly enough, I am a Moo-Bar, but I can not moo.”
Special K’s eyes widened. “That is so sad!”
The evil Moo-Bar wiped a tear. “Isn’t it though?”
Niki patted the evil Moo-Bar on the back. “It’s okay. I’m sure Mr. Mister could help you.”
The Moo-Bar smiled. “Okay! Let’s go!”
Niki got Nummy, the four of them hooked arms and — “We’re off to see Mr. Mister! The Wonderful Mr. Mister of Oz!”
It took them a while to find there way out of the woods, but when they finally did, the four were overjoyed because just across a field lay the Brimstone City.
“Oh yey!” Bob said. “All we have to do is cross the field, and then we reach the city! But how are we gonna cross the field? It is such a very big field.”
Special K rolled her eyes and smiled sweetly at Bob. “Gee, I don’t know. Hey! I got an idea.” Special K stepped forward into the field. “Why don’t we WALK across the field?”
Bob beamed at the others. “See, I told you she was smart.”
Bob walked ahead to join Special K, but Niki stopped her. “Wait! Look, there’s a sign.” Niki read the sign that was in the ground right next to the field. “Beware all who trespass. This field was cursed by Mrs Voss, the evil French teacher of the west. All who enter this field will suddenly start mooing, and they will believe they are cows. They will then turn into cows and be forced to fertilize the field for all eternity.”
Special K frowned. “Do you think it’s true?”
The Moo-Bar aimed for the field. “I don’t care if it’s true or not! If anything can make me moo it’s an evil curse!” The others tried to stop the Moo-Bar, but she kept going ahead until they were all in the field.
Niki keeled over. “I suddenly feel stranger than normal.”
Special K nodded. “Me too.” Suddenly, she mooed.
“What did you do that for?”
“I don’t know! Mooooo! Ahhhhh!!!! I’m becoming a cow!”
Niki screamed. “Ah! Me too!”
Bob ran around mooing. “I moo suddenly moo feel stupider moo moo than moo usual.”
The Moo-Bar was thrilled at seeing all the others mooing. If they can do it, I can, she thought. However, the harder she tried to moo, the less it worked. Taking a deep breath, she started making noises. “A cow goes — cluck! No! A cow goes — oink! No! A cow goes — neigh! No!”
The Moo-Bar finally stopped trying after she’d been through every animal noise. She turned to her friends and saw them struggling not to be cows. The evil Moo-Bar knew that she had to save her friends from this terrible fate. (After all, why should they get to moo when she can’t?)
One by one, the evil Moo-Bar dragged the others out of the field by their hair.
“Thank you for saving us!” Niki cried. “I didn’t want to have to fertilize the field for all eternity.”
Special K looked around. “Wow!” she breathed. “We finally made it.”
Ahead of them loomed the huge doors to the Brimstone City of Oz. Taking a deep breath, Niki pushed open the door and they all walked inside.
Immediately, they were greeted by three people who jumped up and down and ran around and around, and they introduced themselves as Lazy Butt, Big Butt, and Semore Butt (they were all sisters).
The Butt clan showed the visitors around the Brimstone City, and they finally stopped outside large purple doors.
“This is where the great Lizard of Oz lives,” Semore Butt explained.
“No one is allowed in there,” Lazy Butt added.
“Not even evil Moo-Bars?”
“Not even evil Moo-Bars,” said Big Butt. “Oh, by the way, look at my butt? Ain’t in big?”
Niki and Special K exchanged glances. “You have a great butt.”
“Thanks! Oh! Do you wanna here my song?” Big Butt started singing. “My bum is on the chair, my bum is on the chair. My bum is on the Swedish, my bum is on the Swedish. My bum is all alone, my bum is all alone.”
“Hey!” Lazy Butt cried. “That’s MY theme song!”
“Who’s the one with the Big Butt here? Me!!!”
“Yeah,” Semore cut in. “But I AM Semore Butt.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
Bob interrupted the three Butts. “Hey, you guys we like REALLY need to see Mr. Mister.”
“What’s your rush?” Semore asked.
“Oh we’re so sorry! We didn’t realize!” The Butts cried.
“It’s okay. I try to hide it.”
Niki was getting annoyed. “Are you sure there is no way on earth you will ever, ever let us go visit Mr. Mister?”
“Nope no way.”
“Not a chance.”
Niki had a brilliant idea (at least as brilliant as she could come up with considering the size of her brain and the small capacity of information it can hold). “What if I show you my kitten?” Niki picked Nummy off the ground and showed her to the Butts.
Immediately, they were all crowding around.
“Aww!!! She’s so cute.”
“Look how tiny her nose is!”
Niki smiled. “Can we go in now?”
The Butts shrugged. “Go right ahead, we don’t care. The key is hanging on the rack. Can Nummy stay with us?”
“Yeah.” And, with that Niki, Bob, Special K, and the evil Moo-Bar entered the room of the Great Mr. Mister.
The four walked down a long, long, long hallway. They took an elevator up tons, and tons, and tons of flights. Then they walked down a long, long, long corridor until they got to a big, big, big room.
“No more walking please!” Niki begged. “It’s like PE all over again!”
All the lights suddenly went out, and the hologram of a huge head appeared against the far wall.
“HOW DARE YOU DARE TO DEFY THE RULES OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MR. MISTER OF OZ?”
Niki swallowed hard. “We’re sorry, but the cheese told us to visit you and ask for your help.”
“SILENCE FOOL! DO NOT SPEAK UNTIL SPOKEN TO. SO IT IS ALL THE CHEESE’S FAULT IS IT? I SHOULD HAVE EATEN HIM LONG AGO. DID MY GUARDS NOT TRY TO STOP YOU?”
“Well, Big Butt sang the Bum Bum song, I think she was trying to scare us off.”
“DID SHE ALSO SING THE ‘SHAKE YOUR BON BON’ SONG?”
“No. . .”
“GOOD. IF SHE TRIES TO SING IT, RUN THE OTHER WAY. EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT WELCOMED, I WOULD HATE TO PUT YOU THROUGH THAT MUCH TORTURE.”
Bob stepped forward. “Mr Mister, I have a question. Why do you look like a giant floating head? Don't you have a body?”
“THIS IS A HOLOGRAM YOU INSOLENT MORON. I AM ACTUALLY A MOUSE WHO TRIES EVERY EPISODE TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. DOES ANYONE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?”
“GOOD, WHY ARE YOU ALL HERE BESIDES TO BOTHER AND ANNOY ME?”
“Well, I’m here because an electric shock transported me into this world. Bob’s here because she’s blonde. Special K has no batteries for her CD player, and the evil Moo-Bar can not moo.”
“I SEE. FIRST YOU ALL MUST DEFEAT THE EVIL FRENCH TEACHER OF THE WEST. BRING ME BACK HER MAGIC STICK WHICH SHE USES TO HERD INVISIBLE SHEEP, AND I SHALL GRANT YOU YOUR WISHES.”
“How do we get to her castle?”
“SINCE I AM ALL POWERFUL, I WILL JUST ZAP YOU RIGHT INTO HER DOMAIN SO THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO WASTE ALL THAT ENERGY TRYING TO FIND HER PALACE. BESIDES, I REALLY WANT TO PRACTICE MY INVISIBLE SHEEP HERDING.”
With that, suddenly the Brimstone City disappeared and Niki and the others were transported into the teacher’s castle.
Bob stared around in amazement. “Wow, this place is so cool!” She saw a large red button on the wall next to her. “Gee, I wonder what happens when I push this button.”
Suddenly, alarms started going off, and a huge iron cage fell around them, trapping them inside.
“You idiot!” the evil Moo-Bar cried. “The label on the button said: if you press this button, a huge cage will fall out of nowhere, and you will be trapped with no hope of escape.”
Bob shrugged. “I’m sorry, ok? I’m blonde, remember?”
“That’s no excuse.”
Before they could argue any longer, Mrs Voss appeared.
“Finally I have you in my grasp Niki Renier! You didn’t do your homework last night!”
“I’m sorry for having a life!”
“Well, it’s no matter now. I have you and your little friends trapped for good. Mwhahahahahahahahaha! (Evil laugh)
Mrs Voss really was an evil French teacher. She forced Niki to watch those stupid and pointless French videos over and over again.
Bob was forced to try and figure out the keychain (you know, the one that says: if you want to see how to keep a blonde busy for hours, flip this over, then it says the same thing on the back). She just couldn’t figure it out.
Special K was forced to listen to teenybopper music like BSB and NSYNC over and over and over again. Now that’s real torture.
And last but not least, the evil Moo-Bar was forced to live with the cows until she went mad from jealousy because they could moo and she couldn’t.
Niki got really fed up one day. “Mrs Voss, I have something to tell you.”
“What did you say?”
“I said ‘French sucks’! It’s the stupidest, most pointless, most boring, most everything bad subject I have ever had to take in my entire life.”
Mrs Voss’s eyes opened wide. “No Niki! Stop! You don’t know what you’re doing!”
“I know EXACTLY WHAT I’M DOING. I’m telling you I HATE FRENCH. Get the picture?”
Then, all of a sudden, Mrs Voss melted into a huge puddle of goo. The insult to the French language was even more powerful that a pail of water. Niki freed all her friends, and as soon as she grabbed the stick that herds invisible sheep, they were all transported back to Mr. Mister’s room.
“WELL DONE,” he boomed. “YOU HAVE FULFILLED YOUR MISSION, AND NOW I SHALL DO MY BEST TO GRANT YOUR WISHES.” The giant head turned to the evil Moo-Bar. “YOU FIRST, WHAT IS IT YOU WISH?”
“I wish only to be able to moo.”
“EASY ENOUGH. I SHALL GIVE YOU THE MAGIC CARPET WHICH YOU SHALL RIDE ON TO THE GREAT COW UTTER OF THE NORTH. HE SHALL GIVE YOU A CHARM THAT WILL ENABLE YOU TO MOO AS YOU NEVER HAVE BEFORE.”
The evil Moo-Bar bowed. “Thank you, oh great Mr. Mister.” She turned to the others. “Bye guys, I’ll come visit when I can moo, and maybe I can convince you to join my evil uprising against all good Moo-Bars.” And with that, she was gone.
The head turned to Special K. “YOU NEXT.”
“Well, you see I have this CD player that plays with batteries . . . but, I don’t have any.”
“I SEE. TELL ME, WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BAND?”
“Well, I have a SLIGHT obsession with Limp Bizkit.”
“YES, I TOO DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE. DO YOU LIKE BOY BAND MUSIC?”
“Riiiiggght. Like that would ever happen.”
“VERY GOOD, ALL TEENYBOPPERS SHOULD DIE.”
“YOU MUST LEAVE THIS PLACE, GO INTO THE FOREST UNTIL YOU MEET UP WITH AN INVISIBLE PURPLE PERSON NAMED BOB (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE OTHER BOB). SHE WILL GIVE YOU SOME BATTERIES THAT NEVER DIE OUT.”
“Awesome. Thanks!” Special K turned to the other two. “Well, see you guys later. Call me, maybe we’ll see each other at school. Bye!”
The head now turned to Bob. “AND YOU?”
“REALLY? I COULDN’T TELL.”
“I want some hair dye so I can dye my hair and become a smart brunette.”
“WELL, I CAN NOT GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL BECOME ANY SMARTER . . . BUT, GO UP TWELVE FLOORS AND TAKE A RIGHT. THERE YOU WILL FIND CHARLIE BROWN. HE’S A GENIUS WHEN IT COMES TO HAIR. HE’LL FIX YOU UP IN NO TIME.”
“Wow! Thanks! Maybe I’ll come over later.”
“I DON’T KNOW, I’M VERY BUSY. HOW ABOUT YOU DON’T CALL ME, I’LL CALL YOU.
“NOW NIKI, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WISH?”
“I want to go home. How can I?”
“THAT’S EASY. TAKE NUMMY AND GO OUTSIDE. SPIN AROUND 337 TIMES UNTIL YOU THROW UP. THEN STAND ON YOUR HEAD WHILE WALKING THROUGH A DOOR, AND SING ‘YANKEE DOODLE DANDY’ WHILE PICKING YOUR NOSE, AND YOU WILL BE HOME AGAIN.”
“YOU’RE WELCOME. NEXT TIME DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING METAL WHILE CHANGING A LIGHTBULB IN A STORM.”
“Ok.” Niki did exactly what Mr. Mister told her, and she was transported home. She vowed never to change lightbulbs ever again, and she lived happily ever after.