After leaving Dumbledore, and before heading off down the corridor to their separate dormitories (which they were going to have a heck of a time finding without any prefects around), the girls lingered together in the hall outside Dumbledore's office and held their first unofficial Sailor Senshi Team meeting of the year.
Once they were sure the coast was clear from prying eyes . . . or portraits . . . or suits of armor . . . the senshi began immediately bombarding their leader with frantic "what are we going to do?"s and requests to be sent on the first available flight back to America. Even Loserville was better than the prospect of coming face to face with the greatest evil there ever was: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
"Okay, okay!" Julie cried when the constant whines from the younger girls finally became too much for her to bear. "Quit your yammering for like two seconds and we'll talk." The other girls fell silent. "First of all, we can't go back home."
"Thank God," Niki sighed with relief. Even the greatest evil there ever was couldn't compare to her sucky house.
"Why can't we go back? We have to get out of here as soon as possible!" Valerie whimpered, her eyes filling with tears at the thought of being forced to deal with . . . You-Know-Who again.
"For once, I have to admit that Valerie is thinking sensibly," Mallory began, and then she stopped to consider the ramification of the words she had just uttered. "Wow. I never thought I would ever say that . . . much less have it be true. Anyway, I strongly suggest that we run as fast as we can in the direction furthest away from where we are now."
"That is so unlike the two of you," Vanessa said, shaking her head. Vanessa looked at Valerie who hung her head in shame. "You've never been one to run from anything, no matter how absurdly dangerous or unnecessary." She turned to Mallory. "And you! Where's your backbone, temporary leader?"
"Fortunately for it," Mallory said, "it's already half-way across the ocean, headed for Loserville. I just wish the rest of me would hurry up and follow."
Although she resented the whole "temporary leader" comment, Julie couldn't help admitting (silently, so no one could hear), that Mallory (when not confused) was usually quite reasonable and almost always clear-headed when facing peril. "I don't get it. Why are you guys so freaked out? It's not like it's Professor Smeezer or Caroline St. Ramen or someone really evil. I mean, it's just John Watson."
"Just John Watson? JUST JOHN WATSON?!!" Valerie repeated hysterically, her cries echoing in the quiet corridor. "Do you have any idea how truly disturbing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is?!!"
"Apparently not," Julie confessed, a look of worry crossing her face. Perhaps there was something more to this greatest-evil-of-all-time thing. At any rate, she had never before seen the other senshi so . . . petrified (oohh . . . foreshadowing . . . mwhahahaha). "What did he do that bothers you so much? I mean, wasn't he just the founder of Behaviorism? Or was he the one that invented cable television?"
"Not those John Watsons! And what did He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named do? Only some of the most vile, disgusting, and repulsive things ever done by man - or should I say, by one who claims to be man." Mallory folded her arms across her chest. "I, for one, seriously doubt the verity of that claim."
"For example . . ."
"For example . . ." Niki began, feeling it was her duty to cite specific references to the evil deeds done, as she was one of the three senshi who knew first hand how detestable You-Know-Who was. "He once - God forbid - jumped into the school pond."
There was a moment of silence before . . . "Ewww!" the other senshi chorused in horrified synchronization.
"And what's more," Niki continued, "he didn't sanitize himself immediately afterward."
"That's disgusting!" Vanessa cried, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "By not sanitizing immediately afterward, there's no way he could have destroyed all of the microscopic fungi that would have clung to his body while he was submerged. The bacteria must still be on him . . . growing . . . and multiplying . . . and contaminating . . . After so long, he must be incredibly contagious. Close contact of any kind would surely lead to the contraction of whatever he has been infected with! It could be fatal!"
At this thought, the senshi shivered in synchronization, simultaneously making the sign against evil for extra measure (something that Valerie did frequently whenever Bob was around).
"I'll have you know he also used to harass me on the bus rides home from school," Mallory added. "He and that other guy who was kicked out for molesting small children. Of which, despite my shortness, I was not one."
"And that's not even the worst of what he's done . . ." Valerie said darkly, her voice hardly more than a whisper. "There was of course the incident with the ant pile into which You-Know-Who stuck something that didn't belong there . . ."
The other senshi once again shivered in synchronization. Julie's eyes widened with surprise . . . and fear.
"I saw nothing of this detestable act," Valerie continued, "but it was rumored to be true . . . and I wouldn't put it past him!"
"Ohh! Ohh!" Niki cried, jumping up and down. "Don't forget how he was voted most likely to try to gain immortality by drinking the blood of virgins in the senior superlatives!"
"Well, there you have it," Mallory said. "We have cited several perfectly legitimate reasons as to why John Watson is the greatest evil who ever walked the earth. And why we should all go home now." Valerie and Niki nodded in agreement.
"Although if we do go back to Loserville," Niki said, "I'm spending the rest of the year at someone else's house."
"You're wrong, you know," Julie said. She had taken what they said into consideration and realized it was the best shot she had at showing Mallory up. Let's just see who's the best leader now, mwhahahaha. "You've just cited three perfectly legitimate reasons as to why we need to stay here and fight You-Know-Who! The wizard world needs our help!"
"Yeah, about that . . ." Eva said. "The fact that they are under the impression that we are capable of fighting the greatest evil of all time leads me to believe that maybe they are too stupid to deserve our help."
"I second that," Niki agreed. "By not trying to help them in the first place, we are only doing them a great favor. In fact, they should reward us for not helping them."
"Okay, enough of this!" Julie cried. "I'm the leader, and what I say goes. We are NOT running away. We are going to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named whether you like it or not. Everyone, it's time to go to our dormitories. Meet me tomorrow on the Quidditch practice field before class, and we'll discuss our M.O."
Nodding rather glumly in agreement (and synchronization), the senshi split off into pairs and began the journey to their super-secret hidden dorms. As Niki met up with Vanessa, she shot a dirty look in Julie's direction. "I don't like her assumption that we have an M.O. to discuss. I, for one, shower every day, thank you very much."
Vanessa just rolled her eyes as they continued down the hall. None of the senshi noticed the shadowy figure lurking in the corner. But he noticed them.
Early the next morning, all the senshi (but Bob) stood together on the practice field in a huddle with Krystina at the center. The cat looked rather chipper that morning far more perky than the senshi had seen her since the defeat of Caroline St. Ramen. Nothing reminds you of how great life can be better than the threat of world domination by a super evil villain.
"Well, I suppose you've already noticed that your presence here isn't much of a secret," Krystina said.
"No kidding. This morning when I was walking down the corridor to the Great Hall, everyone I passed started following while pointing at me and whispering to their friends. Of course, I was just reminded of my last ten years of school, so it wasn't a big deal," Valerie admitted.
"It took me half an hour to shake off the hoard of people who were trailing me," Mallory said. "I finally ducked into a flooded, unused bathroom, but I was scared away by a psychotic, really annoying ghost who kept accusing me of throwing things at her. In the end, I finally did throw something to shut her up. Which would explain my missing shoe."
"When I first woke up, I was having some problems, but I didn't really have any trouble after breakfast," Niki said, smiling brightly.
"That's because when the owls flew in with the morning mail, you attacked the nearest owl, screaming about how if it wouldn't fly away, you would hug it, and cuddle it, and love it forever and ever. People stopped bothering you because now they're afraid of you," Vanessa pointed out.
Niki shrugged. "Whatever works."
"I wasn't harassed today because no one could find me," Julie said, tossing her hair and smiling superiorly. "I was smart enough to use the secret passageway from the conservatory to the library in order to avoid people."
"How did you know about the passageway?" Eva asked. "You didn't read any books about Hogwarts."
"I didn't need to read anything. There's always a secret passageway from the conservatory to the library. Hello, Clue."
"Good point."
"Enough senseless chatter!" Krystina commanded. "We have business to discuss. As I was saying, it's no secret that you are here. Which means your lives could be threatened by more than just You-Know-Who. He is a powerful wizard. He must have many accomplices and allies, even among the students of this school. Be on your guard."
"How much do you bet that Bob has joined his side," Valerie said darkly.
Krystina looked alarmed. "What do you mean?"
"I saw her at breakfast this morning. She was talking and laughing with the people sitting around her. It looked like she had dare I say it friends. If that's not the work of an evil madman, I don't know what is."
"Speak of the devil," Eva muttered, pointing to Bob who was walking down the field towards them. The blonde was flanked on either side by two very large and tough looking people whose sex could not be determined. They shall be known from here on out as Pat #1 and Pat #2.
Bob stopped a few feet from the senshi with her lackeys right behind her, their arms crossed and mean glints in their eyes. For awhile, Bob just stood there, a strange smirk on her face.
"Can we help you?" Julie asked impatiently, glaring at Bob.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Bob said sarcastically. "Am I interrupting your little Sailor Team meeting?" Her smirk broadened. "I'm sure you were being very productive, as usual. In fact, I bet you already know how to defeat . . ." she paused and lowered her voice to no more than a whisper. ". . . John Watson."
The other senshi gasped in synchronization and quickly made the sign against evil (more to ward off the blonde than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named who was just named).
"Of course we know how to defeat him! We're just taking our time with the whole battling the greatest evil so as to . . . create suspense . . . and, er . . . stuff," Julie said lamely.
"Sure," Bob said sarcastically. "But just so you know, you guys are on your own. I have better things to do with my time."
"That's the best news I've heard all day," Mallory said.
Bob turned to go, but before she took a step in the other direction, she turned back to the senshi. "Just out of curiosity, were you guys planning on trying out for your house Quidditch teams?"
Valerie narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "It was a consideration. As I've always said, if it means I get to wave a bat in the air and hit things at people I don't like, all for the sake of sportsmanship, give me a broom, and point me to the field!"
"Funny thing," Bob continued smugly, "as it happens, I was just named the oldest first year student to ever join a house Quidditch team - in a century."
Everyone gasped in surprise.
"I can't believe she's on the Slytherin team!" Mallory cried in shock.
"Yeah, really," Eva muttered in agreement. "What did she have to do before they agreed to let her play? Buy the entire team brand new broomsticks?"
"Ha ha," Bob laughed triumphantly. She turned to go, then once again turned back. "By the way, Vanessa, I need to borrow three thousand Galleons." Then she was gone.
"You're not really going to give her all that money, are you?" Julie asked Vanessa.
Vanessa looked uncomfortably down at her shoes. "But that's what friends are for," she replied weakly.
Julie rolled her eyes. "You keep forgetting: Bob's not a friend, she's a whore. Besides, she just used the money to guarantee that Slytherin will destroy Hufflepuff in the next match."
Vanessa shrugged. "It's not like Hufflepuff had a chance in hell of winning anyway."
"Until now." The senshi looked at Niki in surprise. Her mouth was set in a grim line of determination. "Because now, I plan on joining the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. And by my sweatshirt, when the two of us are alone in the air over the field . . . I swear that I will make that evil blonde wish she had never been born."
"Hell, yeah!" Valerie cheered.
Later that day, Julie walked into the greenhouse for her first Herbology class and was surprised to see all of the other senshi already waiting beside a long table covered in strange looking plants.
Julie frowned as she joined her comrades. "Why are all of you guys here?" she asked. "We're in like four different houses . . . shouldn't we be in four different classes right now?"
"Not according to the producers," Mallory explained. "They were obviously too cheap to get enough extras to fill up a classroom, so they decided to just throw all the main characters together in one room while pretending like nothing is amiss."
"Look!" Valerie cried in recognition. "It's that random, red-headed girl from Hufflepuff who shows up in every single scene!"
"Oohh . . . ahh," the senshi chimed in unison.
At that moment, the random people in the class fell silent as a short, dumpy witch entered the greenhouse and waddled to the head of the table.
"Alright class," Professor Sprout greeted the first years (who, though younger, were all actually quite taller than most of the senshi). "This year, I decided to skip all the fru-fru, non-dangerous plant life we usually introduce at the beginning of the year. Today, we are just going to jump right on in with the ones that will kill you if you aren't careful."
The senshi all smiled at this, each imagining their least favorite person being stepped on, suffocated, squashed, or eaten by a rather large and vicious plant. Needless to say, Bob died many times in these private fantasies.
"Well, time to get started," Sprout said, drawing the senshi from their joyous reveries. "As it is only the first official day of classes, and already many roosters have shown up headless, and a couple students petrified in the corridors while on their way to classes this morning, I thought now would be a prudent time to introduce the mandrake root." She smiled. "Earmuffs on!"
At once everyone in the class lunged for the more attractive pairs of earmuffs in order to avoid the fluffy pink ones and the ugly, green and yellow polka dotted ones (which Niki thought were quite lovely).
Julie hit the eleven year old boy next to her so that she could steal his earmuffs. When the younger, but taller, boy started crying, Julie smiled contentedly. Valerie managed to knock several people over after smacking Bob who was on the other side of the table before successfully getting hold of the pair of earmuffs closest to her.
After the nabbing of earmuffs ceased, Professor Sprout began a detailed lecture about the qualities and uses of the mandrake. The senshi quickly tuned her out, choosing instead to admire the scenery, clean the dirt out from under their fingernails, and throw wads of used bubblegum at Bob to see who could get the most artificially flavored pieces of gum stuck in the blonde's artificially colored hair. Surprisingly, Mallory emerged the victor.
Some unspecified amount of time later, the class was instructed to begin replanting the pots, and everyone began to do so with great zeal and quite deftly. Unfortunately for the senshi, having not actually paid any attention to the professor's instructions, they were at a loss as to the proper potting techniques and didn't know what else to do. Fortunately, Sprout pulled the senshi (including Bob) aside to discuss more important matters.
"I am sorry that you must suffer through such basic and elementary herbology training. I'm sure that your skills in the subject far outshine any of the other students and probably even a few of the teachers!" Professor Sprout laughed heartily.
"Ha . . . ha . . ." Eva joined in, significantly less heartily. It was more of a nervous chuckle. "That's right. Far outshines. That's us."
Sprout grinned broadly. "Well, of course it is! Since you are working undercover, it is important that we hold up the ruse that you are nothing more than uneducated, simple-minded first years."
"That shouldn't be too hard for them," Bob smirked. The others glared.
Professor Sprout lowered her voice. "You must be careful. The enemy has many spies in his service, many ways of hearing . . . birds . . . beasts . . . ears."
Suddenly and without warning, at that very instant, Niki collapsed to the ground.
Professor Sprout stared with surprise. "What happened? Did she take off her earmuffs?"
Julie shrugged. "Nope. She just does that sometimes."
"Oh. Well, we'll just leave her there."
As the first week of school progressed, the senshi quickly discovered that not only Professor Sprout, but all of their teachers treated them differently than the other students, and that wasn't always a good thing.
The sour Professor McGonagall, having been opposed to the senshi being permitted into Hogwarts from the start, was unnecessarily severe to them from the moment they stepped into her classroom. Her narrowed eyebrows relaxed momentarily when Vanessa displayed her anthropomorphic abilities, but once she realized that was all Vanessa could do, they lowered once again. They narrowed even further when Niki somehow managed to set her desk on fire while attempting to transfigure a match into a needle.
"It's alright!" Niki cried reassuringly as the students began yelling and running around the classroom in confusion, looking for some way to douse the flames. "I'm a pyro-technician!"
Vanessa gazed into the flames rising from Niki's demolished desk and prophesied that there would be many homework assignments in the near future. Sure enough, at the end of class, (after McGonagall successfully managed to get rid of the flames with a swish of her wand), the senshi were given several large Transfiguration for Dummies volumes, each weighing around fifteen pounds, which they were to read and summarize by the next class.
The Charms teacher, Professor Flitwick, at least, wasn't prejudiced against the senshi from the beginning. Rather, he was quite fond of the group of short girls because, unlike many of the eleven year olds, they didn't tower over him. However, the professor was quite disappointed when he saw how completely inept the senshi were when it came to any kind of spell work, as none of them could get the feathers to successfully float in the air (even though Julie and Valerie were blowing with all of their might).
Fortunately, near the end of class, Mallory's feather finally shot up into the air and Flitwick was so thrilled to see the feather go airborne that he clapped with delight, promptly fell off of his chair, and neglected to realize that the cause of the feather's flight was in fact, a powerful sneeze, and not magical in the least.
Flying lessons with Madame Hooch turned out to be the one class in which the senshi were actually able to perform adequately. Despite having never flown on brooms before, and despite varying degrees of motion sickness and fear of heights, all of the senshi were able to fly with surprising ease on their super spiffy brand-new Firebolts that each girl had purchased.
At the end of the lesson, Madame Hooch recommended that the girls all tryout for their individual house Quidditch teams to which Bob big-headily replied that she had already been made chaser. The blonde would have bragged more, but at that very instant, Valerie's broom accidently slipped out of her hand, smacking Bob on the forehead and knocking her out cold.
The senshi (all but Bob) agreed wholeheartedly that Potions with Professor Snape was the worst of their classes (beating History of Magic by a long slide, but that was mostly because really old deceased Professor Binns's class fondly reminded some of the senshi of Civics with really old Mr. Weather although much more boring).
At first, the senshi had been looking forward to the Potions class, hoping to learn how to brew all sorts of nasty concoctions (most intended to make Bob's life miserable of course), but even though Potions class had no wand waving requirements, but rather resembled chemistry instead, the senshi still sucked at it (or maybe that's why they sucked at it).
Professor Snape spent most of the class time making the senshi look stupid by asking difficult questions about potions that none of them could answer because they hadn't bothered to read the textbook. Snape could have made the senshi look even stupider by asking rather basic questions that any five year old could answer but that would have stumped the hell out of them like what time it was, but he clearly gave them the benefit of the doubt by assuming they were at least as smart as they looked which wasn't very smart to begin with.
Strangely enough, although Snape clearly despised most of the senshi (as they were neither full-bloods nor intelligent), he took an immediate liking to Bob, even complimenting the blonde and her partner, Pat #1, on her steaming, Galapagos green potion (although it was supposed to be bubbling and blue).
Valerie and Niki partnered up, as they had often done in chemistry, and while their potion mixing seemed to be going well at the beginning, they quickly became so distracted and annoyed by Snape's unnecessary (and repulsive) flattery of Bob that they stopped paying attention to what they were doing, and Niki once again managed to set the desk on fire.
After extinguishing the flames, Professor Snape vanished all evidence of their potion, earning the two girls zero credit for that day's work. Valerie and Niki were furious.
To make matters worse, even though Mallory's and Eva's potion had come out almost right, Snape vanished their potion as well, a vicious smirk on his face, because they had neglected to prevent Niki (who was on the other side of the room) from setting her desk on fire. The Slytherin students shrieked with savage glee while Mallory and Eva glared at the back of the professor's greasy head Bob's potion wasn't the only thing steaming that day.
The senshi's first Defense Against the Dark Arts class took place Wednesday afternoon, and while they agreed that as superheroes the class would prove to be the most useful, it was also the strangest. Upon entering the dimly lit classroom, they immediately noticed the bizarre decorations squeezed into every corner of the room, barely leaving space for the two dozen desks.
Against one side of the room, various instruments used for the detection of dark forces were carelessly stashed while the opposite side of the room neatly housed dozens of jars and tanks filled with various slimy, crawly and obviously, evil creatures. Along the walls were autographed portraits of an attractive, middle-aged blonde wizard, and hanging plates upon which disturbingly cute electric-colored kittens pranced.
From the doorway, the senshi stood in open-mouth awe, surveying the eclectic collection of random crap the classroom held. They would have continued to stand in the doorway for a very long period of time, content to stare in mingled apprehension and bewilderment, but by blocking the only exit from the classroom, the senshi were a fire hazard (and thanks to Niki and Vanessa's poor track record), they thought it would be best if they went ahead and sat down.
"Weird," Julie said as they all took their seats. "If I didn't know any better, I would say that it looks as though this room was decorated by several, very different, but all very-likely-heinous teachers slash potential villains."
After all of the students had been seated, a figure whom they could only assume was their Defense Against the Dark Arts professor stepped out from a shadowy corner where he/she had been concealed. The sight of their new teacher immediately reminded the senshi of Mr. Mister, the evil, cloaked big bad of season one. It was probably because of the immense, dark, hooded cloak that trailed to the ground, completely obscuring the figure's body.
The professor, who identified himself as Stan J. Nowho, spoke with a strangely sexually ambiguous voice that changed frequently as he (?) spoke. During the lecture, his voice varied between that of a gruff, old man and a high-pitch, sinister female. At times, Nowho sounded pompous, and self-indulged while a moment later he (?) would break out into a nervous stutter.
The professor's apparent teaching methods changed as frequently as his vocal patterns. One second, Nowho would politely request that the students pull out their wands, and the next instant he (?) would demand that they put the wands away before asking that they instead take out quills to help him write responses to his abundance of fan mail. As the students attempted to keep up with the professor's ever-changing demands, Nowho would frequently interrupt with shouts of "constant vigilance!" and "you must not tell lies!"
Rather than paying attention to the lesson (which, though confused, was most likely quite informative), the senshi spent the entire class time trying to catch a glimpse under the professor's cloak. Each girl saw something different. Julie saw a toothy smile, Mallory was convinced she glimpsed a blonde curl, Niki saw a hairy arm, Valerie caught a flash of an electric blue eye, Eva saw a hint of a purple turban, and Vanessa glimpsed a toad-like complexion.
Needless to say, the class was most peculiar.
When Defense Against the Dark Arts was over, the senshi headed to their next class, one that most first years weren't required to take: Divination, held at the top of the tallest tower. Along the way to class, Julie pointed out their need to learn as much magic as possible, A.S.A.P. in preparation of the epic battle between good and evil that was sure to follow many pages from now.
Valerie suggested that they form a secret society, similar to Sailor Senshi Team meetings, except the goal would be to actually accomplish something on a weekly basis. Eva pointed out that they would need a meeting place, and Niki was reminded of a recent conversation she had with a house elf regarding a mysteriously convenient room which shape-shifted at whim to suit the needs of passerbys.
The topic of house elves launched Mallory into a debate about the need to free the magical servants through a liberation cause she had named: Promoting Unanimous Kindness for Elves, better known as PUKE. The debate prematurely ended (much to the relief of everyone but Mallory) upon the girls' arrival at the trap door which served as the entrance to the Divination tower.
When the senshi pulled down the trap door, stuffy, heavily perfumed air leaked down from the classroom. As they climbed the rickety ladder, the heat and incense caused their eyes to water, and half-blinded, they stumbled towards a semi-circle of cushions lying on the classroom floor.
After predicting Bob's ensuing bloody, gruesome death (to which there was much rejoicing from the other senshi), the insect-like Professor Trelawney assigned crystal balls to pairs of students, asking that they use their Seeing eyes to look deep into what the future holds. To which Niki replied, "well, duh. What else would we use?"
While Bob and her partner (this time Pat #2) used the reflective surfaces of the crystal balls to reapply their make-up, Julie and Valerie, being completely inept as far as fortune-telling (among other things) was concerned, instead took turns guessing each other's next horribly tragic death. Julie told Valerie that she was likely to be trampled to death by a herd of stampeding hippogriffs, and Valerie informed Julie that she was likely to be ripped apart and eaten alive by rabid centaurs.
Mallory and Niki, however, were so amused by the glittering snow that floated around every time you shook up the globe, that they spent the whole class time gleefully clapping their hands and crying out "ooh! Shiny!"
Trelawney would have been very annoyed with their antics had it not been for her preoccupation with Vanessa and Eva, who in turn, worshipfully held onto her every word. Trelawney was very impressed with the girls' eagerness to see into the future. She was particularly encouraging of Vanessa's efforts to see into flames, although she warned that many a great seer was known to have had set their hair on fire by looking too closely which would account for why so many had been bald.
In the Great Hall at dinner that night, the senshi (minus Bob) met up to plan their first super-secret society meeting for later that week. Julie handed each girl a fake galleon, explaining that once Krystina had determined an appropriate meeting day, the coin would heat up with an alert signifying the time.
Before the senshi headed off their separate ways, Julie issued a final warning. "The whole point of these charmed coins is to keep the super-secret meetings we are planning as super-secret as possible." She shot a look at Valerie. "Which means no signs. So put the galleons away. Keep them secret, keep them safe. But most importantly, keep them away from Bob!"
Monday night, long after all of the students were supposed to be in bed, one by one, the senshi crept out of their individual house dormitories and headed for the statue behind which the Room of Requirement could be found.
As Niki prepared to leave Hufflepuff House, she pulled out the shimmering cloak she had swiped from Dumbledore's office. She draped the cloak over her arm, and as she did so, she noticed that her arm had suddenly vanished. "Oh crap," Niki said. "My arm. My arm."
At that moment, Vanessa appeared, and rather than shrieking in horror at Niki's missing limb, she grinned happily. "Oh wow! Do you know what this means?" she asked excitedly.
"That I no longer have an arm?"
"No! That cloak you pilfered from Dumbledore's office wasn't just any cloak! It was a cloak of invisibility!"
"Oh, cool!" Niki exclaimed. "Let's try it out!"
Meanwhile, in the Ravenclaw common room, Mallory had been sitting all night, waiting for Eva to pass by so she could find out when the meeting was being held. Earlier that day when the coin heated up with the time of the meeting, it literally burned a hole in her pocket, and the fake galleon (along with all the rest of her money) had fallen out somewhere on her way to class.
When Eva did emerge from the dormitory, Mallory noticed the stolen miniature hourglass swinging from her neck. Halfway to the meeting, the Ravenclaw girls literally ran into the two Hufflepuff girls (whom they couldn't see), knocking the invisibility cloak to the ground. After disentangling themselves from one another, the four, now-visible, girls continued their quest for the Room of Requirement where Julie, Valerie, and Krystina awaited them.
Upon reaching the super-secret room, Mallory's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh my gosh!" she cried, looking around her in shock. "This room looks EXACTLY like my living room!"
"I knew it looked familiar!" Valerie exclaimed.
"But how . . . Wait, I'm confused."
Julie rolled her eyes in exasperation. "The room shifts to meet the needs of whoever needs it, remember? So it makes perfect sense that the room would look like your living room. After all, what better place to hold a super-secret Sailor Team-ish meeting?"
"At least it doesn't look like my house," Niki said.
Krystina beamed at the senshi who had gathered around her, their semi-intelligent faces attentively turned to the cat, awaiting instruction. At last! she thought happily. They have given me their complete attention. A fly buzzed near Valerie's shoulder, and she attempted to swat it with a bat she had stolen from the Quidditch field, somehow managing to hit Eva instead, knocking the other girl out cold. At least they are not talking, which is one step in the right direction. We can finally get down to business!
"Julie," the cat commanded, "I believe you have made up a weekly schedule for these super-secret meetings?"
"I sure have," Julie replied, pulling out the little black diary she had taken from Dumbledore's office. "I wrote everything down in here," she explained as she started turning the pages. "I thought we could start off with a club name . . . something with a catchy acronym. Kind of like Mallory's house elf liberation: PUKE, only, you know, good." Julie's eyes widened in surprise and she began turning the pages frantically. "It's gone!"
"What do you mean?" Krystina asked, her eyes narrowed. "Did you neglect to do the assignment I gave you?"
"No! I did it, I swear!" Julie cried. She threw the diary to the ground. "The pages are blank! The little black book ate my homework!"
Valerie rolled her eyes. "That's even lamer than my pathetic excuse about the flooded hallway ruining my French homework . . . of course, that was TRUE."
"So is this!" Julie folded her arms across her chest and stamped on the diary angrily. "It's not fair! Why did I have to steal the stupid bewitched little black book from the headmaster's office? Why couldn't I have stolen something cool? Or at least something violent and easy to use?" She glared at Valerie who had the Gryffindor sword strapped to her waist for 'just in case.'
"If it makes you feel any better," Mallory said, "after Fawkes burst into flames and bit the dust literally Vanessa didn't have time to steal anything."
"Well, actually," Vanessa began, pulling out a very old piece of slightly-rotted parchment. "Although I do not condone such thievery, I did manage to snatch this while no one was looking on the way out. But it's just as blank as Julie's diary."
"It's NOT a diary!" Julie yelled. "It's a little black book. Diaries are for dorks!"
"Speaking of little black books . . . well, actually, it has nothing to do with that because it is completely random," Valerie said, "but did anyone try out for their house Quidditch team? I did. I'm a new Gryffindor beater, but due to my unnecessarily violent nature, I am sure you had already figured that out."
"I tried out too!" Mallory cried, jumping up and down excitedly. "You are looking at Ravenclaw's new keeper!"
"Where?" Niki asked while everyone else "oohhed" and "ahhed" appreciatively.
"What about you, Niki?"
"Well, due to my unnaturally small size, the other Hufflepuffs wanted me to try out for seeker. But while I was looking for the snitch, someone hit a bludger in my direction and I used the tip of my broom to knock it out of my way. I hit it so hard that I knocked out another player and everyone agreed that I was better suited as a beater."
"Wasting time!" a pissed off Krystina yelled, baring a paw full of retractable claws that had been well-sharpened on various parts of Julie's body. "Why can't you people just stay on topic for once in your pathetic lives?"
"Because we have short attention . . ." Valerie's eyes glazed over as she stared off into space. "Wait, what was the question?"
Before Krystina could respond with another well-deserved insult, there was a knock at the door.
The senshi froze in surprise. If it was the custodian Filtch or any of the other teachers on the other side of the door, then they were in BIG trouble for sure. Just because they were superhero-wannabes didn't mean that they had permission to be out of the dormitories past curfew.
"Maybe if we ignore it, it will go away," Mallory whispered, her voice tense.
The senshi all held their breaths and willed that another knock would never come. There was another knock.
"Should we run for it?" Eva, who had previously been revived by another strike on the head with a wooden stick, asked quietly.
"Quick everyone, hide-and-go-seek!!"
Julie shook her head. "Not this episode. "Besides, there's nowhere to run, and we can't all fit under Niki's invisibility cloak.
"Nope, sorry. There's just enough room for one here," invisible Niki replied from somewhere safely underneath the cloak.
There was another knock.
"Damn it, just open it already," Krystina commanded.
Eyeing the cat's mouth-full of sharp teeth and recalling how unpleasant they felt clinging to her ankle, Julie sighed and obediently opened the door.
"About time," Bob said, smiling sweetly.
"You!" Julie muttered, glaring at the blonde as she walked into the room. "What are you doing here?"
"Attending the Sailor Senshi Team meeting, of course," Bob replied, rolling her eyes. "After all, I am a senshi."
"But you weren't invited!" Julie whined. "Vanessa!" she said, shooting the taller girl an accusatory look.
"I didn't invite her!" Vanessa protested. "Niki threatened to beat me up."
Niki nodded in confirmation. "Now that I am a beater, I can officially do that, you know."
"I know I wasn't invited," Bob said. "Fortunately, I just happened to stumble across a fake galleon that conveniently had the time and place of the meeting written along the edge of the chocolate coin."
"B-but how did you decipher the code?" Julie sputtered. "I charmed it myself!"
"Well, you could have been a little more discreet," Bob said. "All anyone had to do was read it backwards. Right below the time and date, printed in very large letters were the words: "(YLNO IHSNES ROLIAS) GNITEEM YTEICOS TERCES".
"Oh!" Mallory exclaimed. "Was that what it said?"
"Bob's quite right, you know," Krystina said. "She has every right to be here."
"But she's evil!" Valerie protested. "I bet you a thousand galleons that she's secretly in league with You-Know-Who! Bob's in Slytherin, for crying out loud, what more proof of her utter vileness do you need?"
Bob sighed in exasperation. "You fool! Can't you see that it is all a ploy? It's a trap! Know thy enemy better than thy friend or something like that. The best way to defeat your enemy, is to make your enemy trust you!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Mallory blurted out. "I am so confused!"
"You laymen are all such simpletons!" Bob cried. "I am only pretending to be evil. You could say that I am working undercover so that I can expose You-Know-Who's grand plan so that we can defeat him! Duh!"
Niki's eyes widened with surprise (although no one could tell since she was still under the cloak). "You mean, all this time, you've just been pretending you were an evil bitch? For the past three years?"
"No, just since we came to Hogwarts," Bob said.
"Oh, well, that makes sense, I suppose."
"I think Bob's plan is brilliant," Krystina confessed. "It is possibly the most ingenious plan any of you have ever devised ever. If Julie and Mallory were to die horribly, bloody, gruesome deaths tomorrow, I would nominate you for Sailor Senshi Team leader."
Bob beamed. Everyone else glared with such intensity that their eyes were stuck that way for the next three days.
"Anyway," Bob said. "In order for my brilliant plan to work, all that you people have to do is just keep pretending that you hate me, even though you know that I am secretly on your side."
Julie cracked her fingers threateningly and pounded a fist into her hand. "Oh, that shouldn't be too difficult."
Several minutes possibly hours later, once the senshi had finally managed to getting around to being somewhat productive, the group of girls stared down at the row of items they had pilfered from Dumbledore's office, lined up neatly along the ground.
"Dumbledore is a very wise and powerful wizard, much more so than the whole lot of you put together," Krystina said. "I'm sure he was well aware of the fact that you walked out of his office with half of his possessions that night, which could only mean one thing."
"Everything we took is worthless crap he didn't want anyway, and we saved him the trouble of having a yard sale?" Julie guessed, eyeing her diary I mean, her little black book.
"No, it means that he wanted you to take them for a reason. These items obviously possess powerful magical abilities that could prove to be great assets in our quest to destroy the current big bad." Krystina put a paw to her whiskered chin in her cat-version of the "thinking position". "Now, other than Niki's invisibility cloak which she still refuses to remove while napping on the ground, have you figured out how any of the other possessions work?"
"Well, I could be wrong," Valerie said, picking up the Gryffindor sword, "but as far as I can tell, you just poke something evil with the pointy end for best results. If you would like, I could demonstrate on Bob."
"No, that won't be necessary. It does seem to be fairly straight-forward. Now, Julie's diary "
"The LITTLE BLACK BOOK," Julie said, "does nothing except erase everything that was written in it before with no way to recover it, which would be useful, um, never."
"What about the necklace?" Krystina asked, gesturing to Eva's miniature hourglass.
"All I know is for sure is that when you turn it over, all of the sand runs from one half of the hourglass to the other," Eva said sheepishly. "It's really quite amusing. However, I do sense that the Web of Time is strangely warped around the hourglass . . . I suspect that it could be used for time-traveling purposes, but I have yet to test my theories."
"Excellent," Krystina nodded. "We still know nothing about the really old piece of parchment?"
"Nope," Vanessa replied. "I tried a few spells, but the only thing that appeared on the paper were insults about my inability to do magic from some mysterious people with strange names." She opened the parchment to its full size and laid it flat against a table. "Maybe if we "
Vanessa was cut off suddenly by Eva's gasp of, "Niki!"
Everyone turned quickly to see Niki's head and a single arm brandishing a bat, looming in thin air over Bob. Realizing that the invisibility cloak had slipped off her head, Niki dropped the bat and took a step back from the blonde, allowing the rest of the cloak to fall from her body.
"What do you think you're doing?" Bob demanded.
Niki raised her arms in defeat. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
"Oh my gosh!" Vanessa cried suddenly. "The parchment is a map!"
"What?" everyone else cried, once again turning their attention to Vanessa. They could see that she was right, for suddenly, as if by magic (well, duh), an entire map of the Hogwarts castle had appeared on the previously-blank parchment before their very eyes.
"That's incredible!" Mallory exclaimed. "Why did it appear so suddenly?"
"It appeared when Niki swore that she was up to no good," Vanessa said. "That must be the magical trigger. How anyone is actually supposed to figure that out is beyond me. Good thing for Niki and her freakishly convenient, accidental magic workings (ie: The secret brick-tapping entrance into Diagon Alley)."
"What are those little black dots moving around the map?" Eva asked.
Vanessa squinted at the writing beneath each dot. "The dots are people! This map shows where everyone is in the castle!"
"Ohh. Ahh."
"Do you see me?" Niki cried. "Do you see me? Am I on the map?"
"Yes, I see you! You are standing right next to me."
"Just like in real life!" Niki tossed the invisibility cloak back over her body. "Do you see me on the map now?" invisible Niki asked.
"Why, yes I do."
"Damn."
"I think that Niki has become obsessed with her new cloak," Eva said.
"Well, why not?" Mallory said. "After all, it is shiny and pretty. But I doubt that she is more obsessed with the cape than she is with owls. Or her sweatshirt."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that . . .
They watched as Niki cradled her invisibility cloak in her arms like a baby. She began rocking the cloak back and forth while whispering sweet nothings into the hood. The others gaped at her.
"Niki's gone mad again, hasn't she?"
"Just ignore her," Krystina said, turning back to the stolen goods. "Now, about this magical flute . . ."
"I think the wooden flute is really just a normal flute," Mallory said. "I tried playing, and nothing out of the ordinary happened. It plays quite nicely, actually. However, the books I stole should be incredibly useful, especially since they appear to be from the restricted section of the library."
"The restricted section of the library?" Valerie echoed.
"Yeah, you know, the part of the library which you have to be eighteen or older with a photo ID to access."
"Oh, you mean the place where they keep the porn."
"Ew! No!" Mallory protested. "The books in the restricted section deal with highly dangerous spells and potions that shouldn't be handled by an inexperienced student without adult supervision. Some of the curses are even forbidden! There is this one that's spelled an awful lot like Abra Kadabra, but "
"Oh my gosh!" Vanessa cried again from behind the magical map which she had been studying for quite some time. "Filtch is headed this way! If we don't get out of here fast, he's sure to find us, and we'll be hung from our ankles in his office! Or worse, expelled!"
"Quickly, everyone!" Julie cried, taking command just like the dictator she was destined to be. "To the forbidden corridor on the third floor!"
In a mad dash from the Room of Requirement, the senshi managed to turn the corner just as Filtch and his evil cat reached the room that had previously looked like Mallory's living room, but which now looked like a broom closet.
Rather than splitting up and running straight for their individual house dormitories (which would have made a lot of sense), the senshi all headed straight for the forbidden corridor. As they neared the locked entrance, they tried to shoot some door-opening spells at it while shouting "Alohamora," but being completely inept, they were unable to open the door, and their momentum was so great that they were also unable to stop themselves from running into the door.
The senshi hit the door synchronously with such a great force that it flew open, and they all fell to the floor in the corridor as the door swung shut behind them once again with an ominous thud. As the girls recovered from their fall, they suddenly found themselves face-to-face (well, really more like face-to-knee) with a gigantic three-headed dog that bared three sets of incredibly large, dagger like rows of teeth at the intruders.
Trying not to panic, the senshi slowly backed towards the door which was once again locked. They raised their wands, perhaps thinking they could play fetch, because they obviously weren't going to do any magic. For some reason, the dog growled at them, but did not immediately rip them into tiny pieces, although it clearly wanted to.
"Oh crap," Julie said quietly, her eyes never leaving the gigantic three-headed dog. "What are we going to do now?"
"You could try playing the flute," invisible Niki whispered in reply. "Animals like music. It may be soothing. Then again, it may rile the three-headed dog into an angry frenzy, causing him to rip you all to shreds, three at a time, but you have to take your chances. Good thing I am invisible."
Mallory pulled the flute from her pocket. "What other choice do we have?" She put the wooden flute to her mouth and began playing a tune that sounded suspiciously like "Concerning Hobbits" but with a few wrong notes thrown in there.
The senshi, not daring to breathe (except for Mallory who needed that breath to play), watched in silent suspense as the giant dog stopped growling to better hear the music. Slowly, the dog bent down to rest his heads on the ground as three pairs of eyes closed drowsily. It was only when the dog began to snore through three sets of nostrils, that the senshi (who were all by then quite blue in the face) dared to breathe sighs of relief.
After briefly patting Mallory on the back as she continued to play, the other girls began to tug on the door which slowly creaked open. Just as they managed to open the door wide enough for one person to slip through at a time, a sudden tickle in Mallory's throat caused her to break out into a fit of coughs.
The music stopped. Six very large, very dangerous eyes opened. Those six eyes just happened to catch sight of Krystina the cat. The giant dog leapt forward to attack.
"RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" The senshi yelled as they hurtled through the door which, fortunately, slammed shut in front of the large, blood-thirsty jaws after everyone was safely through.
"That was the most horrifying experience of my life!" Eva exclaimed as the senshi all collapsed to the ground in relief.
"I didn't think it was that bad," Niki said as she removed her invisibility cloak in order to wipe the dog saliva off the back.
"That's because you knew the monster couldn't see you, and therefore was less likely to try and eat you," Julie said.
"Actually, I thought he was quite cute," Niki said. The others just stared.
A moment later, Bob sat up, an intense look on her face. "Did you guys hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"That voice."
Everyone looked at Valerie. "Hey, don't look at me. The b*itch isn't hearing my voices," Valerie said. "They only talk to me. They don't like blondes."
"I'm serious!" Bob protested, her eyes wide. She stood up and put her ear to the wall. "I heard an evil voice coming through the wall. It was saying that it plans on killing someone!"
"Stop trying to get us to pay attention to you!" Julie said. "We don't like you. So stop talking now."
"I heard it again! It's heading that way! Quick, follow me!" Bob yelled as she took off down the hall.
Grumbling, the other senshi reluctantly stood and followed her at a slow pace, not really giving a damn what Bob did or did not hear. When they turned the corner, the senshi gasped in horror at the scene before them. Hanging from the wall was the very dead-looking body of Mrs. Norris, Filtch's incredibly obnoxious cat. Along the wall in blood-red letters were the words: "The Chamber of Secrets Has Been Opened Again (Again). Enemies of the Heir Beware (and This Time We Mean Business)!"