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Episode 9: "What's Going On? New Senshi, New Enemies, New Transformations, Old Pasts"


"Ah!" The senshi screamed. "Another one!"

Sailor Ecco looked around. "Who, me?"

"Where are we all coming from?" Bob wondered.

"You mean there are more of us?" Sailor Ecco was confused now.

"We're like baby bunnies!" Niki said excitedly. "We just keep . . . popping up."

"Holy cow! It's hard to tell rabbits from people!" Valerie slapped her forehead. "Um . . . yeah. Thanks for the analogy, Niki. Bad mental picture now."

Mallory rolled her eyes. "Ignore them. Where did you come from?" She asked the new sailor.

"Over there." Sailor Ecco pointed to the bushes she had flown out of. "You might have seen me."

"Yeah, we saw you," Niki growled. "I thought you were a damn duck."

"No. I was a pig." She scratched her head. "I think. Sometimes I forget." She smiled again. "It doesn't matter. At last, I've found you!"

"Found us?"

"Yea! I've been searching everywhere for you guys!"

"US?" (They're not real quick when it comes to understanding complex thoughts. It takes them a while to get things)

"You are the Sailor Senshi, aren't you? The ancient protectors of the Moo Kingdom?"

"Um . . . Maybe?" (Now they were really stumped)

"Well, you better make up your minds! I was sent here with an urgent message!"

"What urgent message?"

"Your lives are in danger!" Sailor Ecco said.

"REALLY?!!"

"No. I just thought it would be fun to say that."


"Come in, Mallory! Come in!" Julie yelled into her watch as it buzzed to life. "Mallory, do you read me?"

A miniature version of Mallory's face appeared.

"I read you loud and clear, Sailor Moo. Over and out."

"Over and out?"

"Isn't that what you're supposed to say?"

"I don't know. That's not the point!" Julie's voice was frantic. "Your lives are in danger!"

"So we've heard."

"That's it? You're not going to ask me why?" Julie was hurt. "Are the Sailor Senshi doing that well without me?"

"Sorry," Mallory replied. "Why are we in danger?"

"Much better. I've just found out about a new enemy!"

"Is that all?"

"Well fine then!" Julie shot back. "I guess you just think you know everything now that you're not freshmen anymore! Well, you're wrong!"

"Huh?"

"Goodbye Sailor Unico!" Julie turned off her watch and crossed her arms, an angry expression on her face. Let's just see how well you do without me, Ex-Freshmen!


Mallory stared at her watch's blank screen where Julie's face had been only seconds earlier. Hm. I wonder what's up with her.

She ducked suddenly when a bolt of lightening flew over her head, almost burning her hair off. "What was that?"

The senshi all turned to see Mrs. Evilb*tchfromhell.

"It was I, Madame Deatrich! Have you forgotten about me?" She cried out.

"Unfortunately, no," Bob replied.

"Good then! For now, I shall defeat you with my evilness!"

"Just go ahead and try," Niki challenged.

"So be it!" Madame Deatrich raised her arm in the air. "The evil powers from hell that are French words, come to me!" As she screamed, a dark cloud formed, and from it, thousands of small, flat objects flew at the senshi.

They all yelled and ran around in circles, but they could not escape. The tiny pieces of paper hit the sailors, digging into their skin, making them cry out in pain.

"Ah! Lots of papercuts!" Mallory cried.

"Why are they so little?"

"It's because we must save trees!" Madame Deatrich laughed wickedly. "Now, I will finish you off!"


The senshi huddled in a group behind the bushes that Sailor Ecco had flown from in an attempt to hide themselves from the evil French teacher.

"What are we gonna do?" Bob asked. She looked at Sailor Unico.

Mallory shook her head. "I have no idea."

"I know!" Niki jumped up. "We can counteract her evil French stuff with another language!"

"Huh?"

"Don't you see? If we yell insults at her in another language, we can destroy her!"

"Um . . . okay." Valerie scratched her head. "We could call her 'idiot' in Japanese," she suggested.

"That's not good enough! What about Spanish?"

They all looked at Mallory.

"What? "

"You know Spanish, right?"

"Not really."

"Then what are we going to do?" They all looked at Mallory again.

"Stop looking at me! Why do you keep doing that?"

"You're our temporary leader! You're supposed to know everything."

"Well, I'm not perfect!"

Bob sniffed at her. "Sailor Moo would have known what to do!"

"Shut up."

Valerie stood up. "Don't worry, I have an idea." She turned to Madame Deatrich. "Hey you!"

"Me?"

"Yeah, you! I've got something to say to you!"

Madame Deatrich put her hands on her hips. "Oh? And what's that?"

"Je me lave avec ma vache!" She yelled back.

Mrs. Evilb*tchfromhell started laughing.

Valerie looked at the other senshi. "What? Why is she laughing at me?"

"Because you just said 'I wash myself with my cow'," Niki explained.

"Oh. Damn reflexive verbs."

"What are we going to do now?" Bob whined.

"Shut up," they all commanded. Bob was silent.

"Guys?" Sailor Ecco said. "I think I know what might help."

Sailor Ecco stood up and cleared her throat. "Here goes nothing." She took a few steps back from the others and then leaped into the air. "ANTHROPOMORPHISM!" She screamed.

A bright light exploded in the senshi's eyes. They looked away. When they turned back around, they saw that Sailor Ecco had disappeared.

"Where'd she go this time?"

"I'm down here!" A tiny voice said. They looked down, and much to their surprise, they saw a rabbit.

"Is that you, Sailor Ecco?" Niki asked.

"Yep."

"But, you're a harmless, little rabbit," Valerie said.

"That's what you think! I'm off to defeat Madame Deatrich now! See you later!" Sailor Ecco, in her new furry form, hopped off.

The others just stared.

"Mal?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you better call Julie."


Julie was still pissed. Stupid Ex-Freshmen! What do they know? Think you can defeat evil without me, huh? Why I oughta . . .

Beep! Beep! Beep!

She looked down at her watch which was beeping frantically. Ah ha! They have called to beg my forgiveness because they finally realized that they need my help!

Julie pressed the little button and Mallory's face appeared.

"Julie? Julie? Are you there?" The tiny voice called. "This is Mallory!"


*****"News flash! News flash!" Valerie yelled. "I interrupt this story to announce the fact that we, the stars of 'Sailor Moo,' have finally made it to Page 100!" The senshi all cheered. "Thank you, thank you! Now, back to Episode 8."*****


"What do you want, Mallory-san?" (Oh . . . that was low. Getting all formal all of a sudden, huh?)

"I just called to beg your forgiveness because we finally realized that we need your help."

"I figured as much."

"Now, please, save us!"

"No problem!" Julie stood up and raised Alex's really cool mechanical pencil in the air. "MOO PENCIL POWER, MAKEUP!"

Fully transformed, Julie stood there for a minute. "Uh, Mallory?"

"Yeah?"

"What do I do now?"

"Do you have your transporter?"

Julie saw it lying on the bed. "Sure do."

"Turn it on, and I'll transport you to Loserville."

She grabbed the transporter. "Alright, beam me up, Mallory!" Julie yelled.

"Oh please."

There was a loud static noise and a beam of green light surrounded Julie. Within moments, she was gone.


"Mwhahahaha!" Julie yelled triumphantly. "I have returned!"

The others crowded around her.

"Thank God it's you!" Bob gasped. "Mallory is a horrible leader!"

Niki chose that moment to accidently bump into the stupid blonde, sending her careening into a clump of thorny bushes.

Mallory grinned at Niki. "Thanks!"

"No problem. I've been wanting to do that for a LONG time."

Julie looked around. "Ex-freshmen! You're all here! But where is my big, hairy, Itallian stud muffin?"

"Um . . . good question."

"You mean, he's not here?" Julie looked crestfallen.

"Sorry."

"Damn."

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but . . ." Valerie pointed to Madame Deatrich. "We've kind of got a problem left to deal with."

"Who is that?"

"Madame Deatrich. Aka: Mrs. Evilb*tchfromhell."

"Her evil status being . . .?"

"French teacher."

Julie winced. "Oh, that sucks. Well, what have you attempted to hurt her with?"

"Um . . . a harmless, little rabbit?"

Julie shook her head. "Nope, that's not going to work. Did you try using your powers?"

"Our powers? Oh, duh!" Niki slapped her forehead. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you're an idiot."

This time is was Valerie who shoved Bob back into the thorny bush. Bob's muffled curses could be heard over her laughter. "I think I enjoyed that one a little too much."

"You must be the infamous Sailor Moo!"

The senshi turned to see Madame Deatrich who was circling them slowly.

"And you must be one of the B*tches 5!" Julie yelled back.

"There's only five of them?" Mallory said.

"Silence, fool!" Deatrich commanded.

Mallory put her hands on her hips. "Well! I think that was a bit uncalled for! Kill her, Sailor Moo!"

"Watch it, Sailor Unico. When I'm around, I do the commanding."

"Sorry."

Julie raised her arms into the air. "MOO SLINKY-- SURROUND!"

Nothing happened.

"Oh sh*t!"


"Sorry, Sailor Moo!" The evil French teacher laughed wickedly. "I guess I forgot to tell you!"

"Tell me what?"

"Your powers won't work against my--" Madame Deatrich pulled out a huge metal box that had a bunch of buttons on it-- "Super Anti-Moo Power Drainer 5000!"

"Super . . . what?"

"This large metal box thingie!"

"Oh. I see."

"You and the other sailors are completely helpless! I will now proceed to-- hey, stop that!" Deatrich commanded. "Stop that right now!"

The senshi could see a small, white, furry creature attempting to bite the French teacher's ankles.

"It's Sailor Ecco!"

"Who?"

"Get off of me, you disgusting creature!" Madame Deatrich kicked Sailor Ecco away, sending her flying towards the other sailors.

"Duck!" Mallory yelled.

"Not again!" Niki groaned.

Valerie pulled Niki to the ground just as Sailor Ecco flew over their heads, landing on top of Bob who promptly fell back into the bushes.

"I will return, Moo People! And it'll be your funeral!" Madame Deatrich stormed away.

"No, that's YOUR funeral!" Niki called after the departing figure. She grinned. "Ha ha. I'm so witty."

Valerie pulled Sailor Ecco out of the bushes, leaving Bob lying there, moaning in pain. She put the rabbit on the ground. "Detransform."

Before Julie's astonished eyes, the rabbit transformed back into Sailor Ecco.

"Another one?"

"Yea! We're just like-- "

"Analogy doesn't need to be heard again, Niki," Mallory said.

"But it's so cool!"

"Sailor Moo!" Sailor Ecco squealed as she ran to give Julie a hug. "I'm so glad I finally got to meet you!"

Julie made a face. "What is it with tall, freaky people and hugging? First my daughter from the future, and now . . . who are you, anyway?"

"I'm Sailor Ecco."

"Why are you here?"

"I believe I can explain that," a voice said from behind.

Julie nearly jumped for joy. Tuxedo Dego!


Unfortunately, it was not Julie's love that had appeared before them, but his future self. Hey, they look just about the same, so whatever works, Julie thought.

"Last time you were here, you told us about our pasts. Why are you here now?" Valerie asked.

"To tell you about your pasts."

"But you already did . . . didn't you?" Niki scratched her head.

"Yes."

"Wait, I'm confused."

"Exactly how many pasts do we have?" Bob wanted to know.

"Several."

"Oh. Um. Okay."

"I ask that all of you sit down, this could take a while." The senshi all sat in a semi-circle. Julie sat in the Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts' lap. Bob rolled her eyes.

"You see," the Prince went on. "I have already told you about your pasts as sailor senshi. But, there was a time before that."

"Really?"

"Sailor Psychopath, I ask that this time you do not interrupt me quite so frequently."

"Sorry."

The Prince cleared his throat. "Once upon a time, you were all normal, happy people."

"Normal?"

The Prince glared and Valerie shrunk back. He cleared his throat again. "Once upon a time, you were all normal, happy people-- that is until you all suffered from horrible, grisly, disgustingly morbid deaths!"

"Cool!"

"Sailor Psychopath, ENOUGH!"

"Okay, I get the hint this time."

He cleared his throat again. "What I am about to tell you may shock you. For it seems that from the day the Guardians of the Moo Princess walked the earth, they were cursed to die. No matter what happened, fate always chose to kill them off for some mysterious reason. Through reincarnation after reincarnation, their fate has remained the same. I now begin to tell you, their story . . .


The Legend of the Guardians: Part 1


"A long, long time ago, thousands of years in fact, there was a--"

"Were there still dinosaurs?"

"No."

"Giant elephants?"

"No."

"Large-toothed cats?"

"No."

"Damn."

"As I was saying, a long, long, time ago, thousands of years in fact, there was a group of young women, much like yourselves."

"He called us young women. Ha ha."

"These young women all lived in a small town that no one ever bothered naming. It was known to all only as 'that small town over there that nobody ever bothered naming because it sucked serious goat.' No one outside of the town ever went in, and no one in the town ever left."

"Did this town have internet service?

"No."

"Was this Hell?"

"Shut up."

"Sorry."

"Anyway, in this group of friends there was a girl named Niki who longed to escape from the dull life she lived in the sucky town she hated."

Niki nodded. "I can totally relate to that."

"She decided that she would join a traveling circus that was passing through the area. She knew that she must prove her ability to the troupe by showing them her skill with flags."

"They had flags back then?"

"Yes. The only way Niki could get into the troupe was by joining the flag team."

"They had a flag team too?"

"Yes. When one invents something that is fun to throw in the air and then attempt to catch, one often invents a team so that the throwing and catching will have a purpose."

"I see. Exactly how long ago was this?"

"Shut up before I hit you with this large, metal bat that just happens to be lying here." The Prince continued. "Much to Niki's extreme happiness, she made the flag team. Now she knew that she could leave the town that she hated so very much."

Niki wiped a tear away. "I just love happy endings."

"But a terrible thing happened!"

"Don't they always?"

"The very night that the circus was preparing to leave, they had a performance. And before the entire audience, Niki dropped the flag!"

"What's so bad about that?"

"To the members of the flag team, the flag is everything. It is what they live for. And if anything were to happen to their flags, it would be a great dishonor to everything that is holy. The dropping of a flag is such a great dishonor, it is one punishable only by death!"

"Cool," Niki breathed. "So, did they kill her?"

"Unfortunately, no. They did not have the chance. That very night, Niki knew that the only course of action to take would be the infamous Japanese ritual of the 'Hara-Kara'."

"The Hara-who?"

"It is a ritual in which one kills themselves so as to avoid any more dishonor. It usually involves a large, pointy object."

"Cool."

"Niki was going to impale herself with her flag, but she decided not to dishonor it anymore. Instead, she took a fishing pole and . . . well . . . you know."

"She died by stabbing herself?"

"Well, actually, she ended up drowning in her own blood."

"That's so inspiring." They all looked at Niki. She made a face. "Well, it was. It actually kinda reminded me about this dream I had. It was so weird. I was in Wal Mart and I was flying a kite when suddenly--"

"Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts," Julie cut in. "Why don't you finish the story."

"Yeah!" Valerie said excitedly. "I want to see who dies next."

"Well, as you can imagine, Niki's friends were very distraught when they heard the news. The group was outside eating lunch by the picnic tables that were shaded by a relatively small tree. Of course they were aware of Niki's absence, but they assumed she had just skipped school for fun.

Niki nodded. "That's a very good assumption."

It wasn't until a member of the flag team ran up to them, yelling out the news that they knew what had happened. Niki was dead!"

"Poor, poor me." Niki grinned. "But what a great way to die!"

The Prince raised an eyebrow. "Right. Well, at the time, Mallory, another member of the group was eating carrots."

"Oh no!" Mallory groaned. "You don't need to say anymore. I've had such bad experience with carrots, I think I know what happened."

"Well, be quiet! I wanna hear!" Valerie said to her.

"When Mallory heard what had happened, she tried to say something along the lines of, "No! Not Niki!" But, unfortunately, she began to choke on a carrot and it came out more like, "No! Not Ack! Ack! Acky!"

"Was that really what it sounded like?" Mallory sighed. "That's just so pathetic. Let me get this, I died from choking on carrots? Better than computer blowing up, I guess."

"Uh . . . well . . . you see . . ."

"There's more? We can't just have normal, happy deaths, can we?"

"I kinda liked my death," Niki cut in. "I mean, it wasn't normal, but you know, neither am I, so it was sort of appropriate."

The Prince mumbled something about psychopathic short people and then he went on. "When Mallory realized that she was choking to death, she panicked and began waving her arms in the air in an attempt to call for help. However, the force of her waving sent her stumbling backwards into the tree. The force of the impact caused a coke can that had been hanging from a branch to fall on her head."

Mallory covered up her face with her hands. "Ah! The humiliation! It never ends!"

"Why was there a coke can hanging from the tree?"

"Coke assembly," the Prince explained. "Second lunch thought it would be fun to hang empty coke cans from tree limbs. Some people may find that odd, but, these were the same people who sacrificed animal crackers for fun."

"Now, that is cool!"

"Anyway, the coke can falling on her head was enough to knock Mallory out. Her unconscious body rolled down a little incline and then she landed in a small ditch where she ended up drowning."

Bob started laughing. "You died in that pathetic excuse for a ditch! You're a loser!"

Mallory glared at her. "Oh yeah? Well, I bet your death sucked even more!"

The Prince started chuckling. "Actually, you know, it kind of did. You see, Bob was not at school either that day. Nobody really noticed though because nobody cared."

"Ain't that the truth."

"She had played hooky in order to go to a Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans. It was raining that day, but she was fortunate enough to be in a booth. Whenever a float came by she ran out from under the booth's cover and tried to catch the things that came her way. Unfortunately, a rather pretty bead that was thrown wasn't thrown far enough. Bob reached out to catch it, but she lost her footing and fell."

"Did she die in the fall?"

"No. She was still alive when she rolled out into the street."

Valerie jumped up. "Oh oh! Let me guess! She was trampled by large horses! Please tell me she was trampled by large horses!"

"Hey! Why do you want me to have died by being trampled by large horses?"

"Because that would be painful, and I don't like you."

"Oh."

"Well, yes, she was trampled by horses," The Prince said.

"And floats? Was she run over by floats?"

"Several."

"Alright!"

"But, she was still alive. In a lot of pain, but still alive."

"Damn."

The Prince started chuckling again. "What happened next was rather amusing. Do you know those little glow in the dark necklace thingies? Well, Bob had one. When she was being trampled it broke. Have you ever wondered what makes those things glow? As it turns out, it's not a radioactive substance."

"Then what is it?"

"Unicorn pee! Bob drowned in unicorn pee!"

The senshi, with the exception of Bob, began giggling insanely.

"Unicorn pee? I can't believe it!" Valerie crowed. "It's just too perfect!"

Bob glared at her. "Oh yeah? Well, we haven't heard your death yet. Hey Prince guy, I wanna know what happened to Sailor Psychodork over here!"

"That's PsychoPATH, you ugly, stupid, fat, blonde, small-witted twit!"

Bob felt her eyes tear up. "Hey! Don't call me blonde!"

"Ah yes . . . Sailor Psychopath. After all of Valerie's friends were dead, she were upset. She would have been really upset except she knew that Bob had died as well, and that made her feel a lot better."

"It probably did."

"Often when something distressing happens to someone, they turn to the normal, everyday activities they do for comfort. They may not enjoy doing these things, but they do them anyway. Often to prevent people from laughing at them. For Valerie, that meant plucking her eyebrows."

Valerie nodded. "Yes. I must do that often. Did you know that prior to their being plucked, my eyebrows were once compared to a forest? Not the best analogy, I'll tell you."

"Everything would have been perfectly fine except for the fact that her contacts were getting fuzzy, making her eyesight blurry."

"Don't you hate when that happens?"

"During her temporary blindness, Valerie missed her eyebrows and poked herself in the eye."

"Ouch," all of the senshi winced.

"Yelping in pain, and unable to see, Valerie grabbed for the nearest thing she could reach. It was a blow dryer. In a mad confusion, she flicked it on, hoping that somehow it would make her regain her sight. She started running around in circles, not sure which way the door was. The blow dryer cord tripped her, and she fell."

"See, at this point in the story, the worst and possibly the stupidest thing to do would be to have a tub full of water to fall into," Valerie said wisely.

The Prince looked at her.

I did that, didn't I?"

"As it turns out, there was a tub of water that Valerie, with the blow dryer still in hand, fell into." Valerie groaned, The Prince went on. "The electrical shock sent her flying towards the other wall. She hit the wall, lost consciousness . . . and somehow ended up drowning in the toilet."

"That's so sad," Mallory commented.

"Hey!" Niki said. "I want her death!"

Bob started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"You drowned in the toilet!"

"Oh yeah? Well you drowned in unicorn pee, so there!" Valerie stuck out her tongue. The Prince shook his head. "And the maturity level rises."

Julie sighed impatiently. "Hey, are you done yet? 'Cause I'm bored and I'm just about ready to blow this joint. That is, if The Prince wants to come with me, of course," she added flirtatiously.

"I was just about to finish. As you all have seen, the Four Guardians suffered sad, pathetic, painful, and in some cases, extremely bloody deaths in their human lives. The greater being, we will call him 'God,' for the time being--"

"That's my sweatshirt," Niki interjected proudly.

"God saw what happened to the four mortals, and he felt sorry for them. And so, he reincarnated them to be the Four Guardians of the Moo Princess. Unfortunately for them, they continued dying horrible, grisly deaths over and over again. But those are other stories." He looked to the senshi. You are the current incarnations of these same four people."

"Cool," the responded in unison.

"Now, what is the lesson that you each have learned from all that I have told you?"

"I suck at throwing flags," Niki suggested.

"Don't talk while eating carrots," Mallory put in.

"Mardi Gras is evil," Bob said wisely.

"Don't pluck your eyebrows when a hair dryer is plugged in and a tub full of water is near by," Valerie added.

The Prince rubbed his forehead as he shook his head. "Not exactly the lessons I hoped you picked up, but . . . oh well, those will work."

"Great, so now everything makes since. Except for Sailor Ecco. Who the heck is she?"

Sailor Ecco stepped forward. "My real name is Vanessa Stegmen. Like you, I am also a Guardian. I came to Earth to aid in the defeat of the new enemy."

"How are you going to aid us?"

"By giving you your new transformations!"


CONTINUE

SMoo Randomness:
Valerie: Don't listen to her, Julie! Bite her bloody ears off!