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Episode 7: "Everyone Dies (Again). Mr. Mister Is Defeated"


Julie sighed with happiness. "Tuxedo Dego!"

"You didn't think I would leave you to fight all alone, did you?" He said.

Actually . . . "Of course not!" Julie lied.

"ANOTHER DISTURBANCE? TINY PEST! GO AWAY BEFORE I SQUASH YOU LIKE A BUG!"

"Never! I am the one they call 'Tuxedo Dego'!"

"TUXEDO DEGO?" Mr. Mister murmured. "COULD IT BE? THE INCARNATION OF THE PRINCE OF THE LAND OF COKE AND PEANUTS?"

"The one and only."

"WONDERFUL! NOW I CAN KILL YOU BOTH RIGHT HERE. THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME THE TRIP."

"No problem."

Julie snuggled close to Gerg who put a comforting arm around her. "What are we going to do?" She whispered.

"Has your power awakened yet?"

"If it has, we're in deep sh*t."

"Everything will be okay. Don't worry, my princess."

Julie sighed again. "I love it when you call me that."


"I can't stand this!" Alexia yelled.

"What?" Alex said.

"Not doing anything to help them!"

"You said you couldn't f%#king help them."

"But . . . I . . . I can't let my mom die!"

"Who's your mom?"

"Julie."

"Holy f%#king mother of . . . " Alex cursed. "JULIE is YOUR mother?"

"Yeah . . . from the future. I'm her daughter from the future. Didn't she tell you that?"

"I guess she left that f%#king part out," Alex muttered. "Who's your Daddy?"

"Tuxedo Dego."

Before Alex could question further, Niki, Mallory, Bob, and Valerie ran up to them. They were breathless, dirty, and covered in . . . pie.

"Did you defeat them?" Alexia asked, her voice anxious.

"No problem," Bob replied.

"It was a piece of . . . pie," Niki added.

"Mwhahahahaha," Valerie laughed. "Get thee to a punnery,"

"What are we going to do about Sailor Moo? I can't let her die!" Alexia cried.

Mallory nodded. "I know. We have to break through the force field. To defeat Professor Smeezer, we combined our powers . . . but . . . I don't know if it'll be strong enough."

"We have to try! Maybe, with all of us together, we can do it!"

Synchronized, they all nodded. "Let's go!"


Julie thought she was going to die. That seemed to be a reoccurring thing. Even with Tuxedo Dego, she knew Mr. Mister was far too powerful. Why me? She mused. It just wasn't fair! Please someone . . . help!

As if an answer to her prayer, Julie heard a loud smash, several curse words, and yells of pain. What the . . .?

"It's okay!" Julie could hear a muffled voice cry from the other side of the barrier. "Pain. Ow . . ." Valerie said. "Okay, there's an invisible wall there. And, it hurts."

They've come to rescue me! I think . . .

"WHAT?!" Mr. Mister cried. "MORE DISTURBANCES?" He smirked. "IT DOESN'T MATTER. THEY ARE FAR TOO WEAK TO BREAK MY SHIELD!"

There was a sudden burst of light, and a huge blast blew apart the invisible barrier. Before Julie's eyes stood the other senshi and Alex. Alex!

"DAMN." Mr. Mister turned to the intruders. "HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE ME!!"

"Challenge?" Niki said, confused. "We challenged him? When did we do that?"

"SILENCE, YOU FOOL!"

"Okay."

"It was not them who challenged you," A voice said from the back. "It was me!"

"AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE?"

Alexia stepped out into the light, a diamond-studded mechanical pencil in her hand. "It is I, Alexia, Princess of the Future Moo Kingdom, and heir to the throne. I have come to fight with the Sailor Senshi, my mother's protectors, in order to save her from your evil plan. It is now time for me to reveal my true identity!"

"YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD, DO YOU?"

Alexia raised the pencil into the air.

Julie looked at Alexia's transformation pencil. Mine didn't have diamonds on it, and I'm Sailor Moo! Julie narrowed her eyes. Stupid b%#ch.

"I thought she said she wasn't one of us, " Mallory said, confused.

"ALEX PENCIL POWER, MAKE UP!" As a huge funnel of sand encircled her, lifting her into the air, all of Alexia's clothes disappeared.

"Alright!" Gerg said. Julie slapped him.

The others watched as the transformation began. As she spun, Alexia's hair suddenly got shorter as her body changed. They watched with a mix of shock and . . . more shock . . . as her chest seemed to shrink and she grew a . . . you know . . . The funnel completely enveloped her, and when she appeared again, she was Alex . . . wearing a skirt.


Everyone stared, too astounded to say anything.

"Surprise," The person who used to be Alexia said.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Gerg said as his faced turned an unhealthy shade of green.

"Hey! The b%#ch stole my face!" Alex yelled.

"I didn't steal your face. We are the same person."

"Holy sh*t," Alex said. "I'm a girl? What the f%#k is going on?"

"I understand this might come as a shock to you-"

"Oh no," Valerie shook her head. "I think it's perfectly natural for a girl to turn into a . . . non-girl who looks exactly like Alex while spinning around in the air naked. It happens all the time."

"Somebody please hit her," Bob sighed.

"I would have told you sooner," Alexia explained. "I just thought it might interfere with our work."

"I'm . . . a girl," Alex repeated.

"No. Technically, we're what you call hermaphrodites," Alexia explained.

"Oh yeah, just a f%#king hermaphrodite . . . Alex said sarcastically. "That makes everything a whole lot better."

"I am a reincarnated version of your future self."

"Why me?"

"Because you are the Fairy Who Likes Coke and Peanuts!"

"The who? Oh, so now I'm a f%#king fairy?" Alex shook his head. "Was it because I watched figure skating as a child?"

"You watched what?" Julie said finally, after the worst part of the shock was over. Suddenly, my weird obsession thing I had for Alex is gone, Julie realized. I guess that's what happens when you realize the coolest guy alive is actually your daughter from the future. . . Or is it the other way around?

"It's not important. I just never thought I'd . . . You know . . ."

"ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE!" Mr. Mister rose up suddenly, his cloak glowing with a blood-red light. "YOU WILL ALL DIE!!"

"Not again!"

As the red glow got stronger, Mr. Mister raised his arms. Before the others had time to react, he shot out four huge balls of fire, aimed straight for Julie.


Julie cried in fear as she saw the fireballs coming. Suddenly, four shapes lunged for her, knocking her out of the way of the attack. Julie ducked as a loud explosion filled the air, and she could hear screams other than her own.

"No!" Julie yelled as she saw the burned bodies of her four friends drop to the ground. They saved me! "Sailor Psychopath! Sailor Unico! Sailor 24601! Sailor Unknown!" She screamed as she ran to her fallen guardians.

"It's too late, Sailor Moo!" Tuxedo Dego said. "They took the force of the attack so they could save you! You must go now to save the world. Quickly! Before Mr. Mister strikes again!"

Sailor Moo wasn't listening. She ran to them, tears streaming down her face. Sailor Unknown was closest, and she knelt beside her.

"Bob! Bob, speak to me!" Julie yelled as she shook the blonde.

Bob opened her eyes slightly, and she turned her face towards Julie. Her voice came out in ragged gasps. "It's all . . . your . . . fault . . . b%#ch." With that, she was gone.

That's gratitude for you. Julie backed away as Bob's body melted into a puddle of unicorn pee. Serves her right.

"Pee?" Niki said. "I guess that's why she was always in a pissy mood." She tried to laugh at her own clever pun, but she started coughing.

Julie sat beside Niki. "Sailor 24601 . . . Get thee to a punnery . . ."

"I think I'm dying," Niki said softly.

"Uh . . . yeah, I think you are," Julie agreed sadly.

"Whoa, yea! It's walrus time!" Niki tried to leap up, but then she realized she couldn't move do to the fact the lower half of her body was blown up. "The walrus . . ." Niki looked around, blindly. "Is he here?"

Julie, not wanting to tell her crazy friend the truth, simply nodded. "Yes. He's here."

"Tell the walrus . . . that I'm coming home." Niki closed her eyes. "It's time . . . for me to . . .go to sleep." She opened her eyes again, one last time. "Always eat your vegetables, kids." Those were her last words.

Julie watched as Niki faded away into a pile of green jello that resembled the form of a walrus. It was always green jello . . .

Wiping tears from her face, Julie looked to Sailor Unico who was lying several feet away. "Mallory! Mallory? Are you okay?"

"Julie?" Mallory choked out. "Come closer so I can talk to you."

Julie crawled over beside her fellow fighter. She bent her head down so as to hear what Sailor Unico had to say.

"You can be what you want to be," Mallory started singing.

"You can do whatever Heaven grants.

As long as you can have your chance,

I swear I'll give my life for you.

No one can stop what I must do.

Sailor Moo, I gave my life for you."

"Oh my!" Mallory said suddenly.

"Oh my?"

"Good bye!"

"Good bye?" And, that was it.

As Mallory's body melted away into . . . coolness in a jar, Julie stood up. Okay . . . She sang me a song. I think. That was, um . . . interesting.

Sailor Moo turned to Mr. Mister, anger flashing in her eyes. "YOU! It's all your fault my friends are dead! You're gonna--"

"Wait! Wait! I'm still alive!"

Julie turned to see Sailor Psychopath, lying near the remains of the others. She was waving her arms in the air.

"Valerie!" Julie cried, relief in her voice. She ran to her side. "You're alive!"

"Not for long . . . I'm . . . dying . . ." Valerie said, her voice barely above a whisper. I just wanted . . . to tell you that . . ." Her voice trailed off as her eyes closed.

Julie leaped back up to face her opponent.

"Wait! I'm not dead yet!" Valerie yelled.

Julie turned back. "You're still alive?"

"Damn it! Comfort me in my time of death!"

"Sorry." Julie knelt beside Valerie and tried to life her limp form. "Ohh . . .you're heavy."

"Shut up." She grabbed Julie's arm. "Promise me . . . promise me that . . ." Valerie stopped as her body heaved with coughs. "Promise me that . . .agghh."

"Agghh? What's that supposed to mean?" But, Valerie was gone.

Sailor Moo stood up again, brushed the dust off her skirt, and she glared at Mr. Mister. "Alright, where were we?"

"Julie?" She heard Valerie call.

"Not again." Julie rolled her eyes. She turned back to Valerie. "What?"

"I have something I need to tell you," she managed to croak out.

Muttering curse words, Julie walked over to her side. "What is it now?"

"Remember that . . . that . . . that . . . I forget." Valerie closed her eyes. "Goodbye."

Finally, Julie thought. It's not like I'm in the middle of trying to save the world or anything.

"THIS IS THE END, SAILOR MOO!"

"Not if I have anything to--"

"Julie! Julie! Come back! Don't leave me like this!"

Julie shrugged apologetically to Mr. Mister. "Will you, uh, excuse me for a minute?" With a look of madness in her eyes, she stormed over to Valerie. "Will you just DIE already?!!"

"Oh, well, if that's what you want." And, Sailor Psychopath was no more.

Just to make sure she was really gone this time, Julie kicked at her body. Valerie faded away until all that was left was an ancient Chinese character.

Hmm . . . An ogre, Julie thought. That's interesting.


Alexia, back in her normal form, watched the battle from a distance. She wished she could help Julie, but Mr. Mister had managed to capture her transforming pen, the source of her power. "This is getting bad."

"No sh*t," Alex replied. He was still weirded out by the Alexia thing . . . He wasn't exactly sure what to make of it all.

Alexia covered her ears as another explosion rang out from the battlefield. As hard as she was trying, Sailor Moo wouldn't be able to hold her ground for long. And then it would all be over.

It's kind of a one-sided fight. Julie's sort of just running and ducking a lot . . . Alexia crossed her fingers. Let's hope that no one else dies today.


Julie started running as Mr. Mister threw out another fireball. How many of those things can he have left anyway? She ducked when the fireball hit a tree only feet away, blowing it into a billion pieces. Damn. I hate when he does that.

Gerg leaped in front of Julie pulling his cape around her to protect her from the flying tree branches. "Sailor Moo, have you found the power hidden inside you yet?"

"Will you just leave me alone about that?!" Julie frowned. "I think we have bigger things to worry about right now. Like trying NOT to die."

"We can not defeat him without it! Listen to me-- "

"No! You listen to me! I've had it up to-- Ow!" Julie keeled over, an expression of pain on her face.

"Julie, are you alright?" Gerg asked, worried.

"Does it look like I'm alright?" Julie shot back. "I'm in serious pain here!"

"Do you need a doctor?"

"No. But I need to use the little girl's room, REALLY bad."

"Um . . . this is kind of awkward timing, don't you think?"

Julie was making odd facial expressions as she crossed her legs and winced. "Trust me . . . it can't wait!"

Lucky for Julie, a Pot-o-Gold was just a few yards away. With Gerg at her side, she stumbled over to it, away from Mr. Mister who loomed over them. She slammed the door shut and Tuxedo Dego turned back to his enemy.

"WHAT? SAILOR MOO RAN AWAY AND LEFT YOU TO FACE ME ALONE? HAH! I KNEW SHE WAS A COWARD!"

"That's not true!" Gerg shouted back. "She just really had to go."

"NO MATTER! THIS IS MY CHANCE TO FINALLY DESTROY YOU, THE PRINCE WHO LIKES COKE AND PEANUTS!" Before Gerg had a chance to defend himself, Mr. Mister already had a fireball ready. "SAY YOUR PRAYERS!"

Suddenly, a bright light blew open the Pot-O-Gold, and Julie burst out, glowing from head to toe in a bright purple light.

With a triumphant yell, Julie held up a tiny object. "I did it! The power hidden inside me! I have it!"

Gerg squinted at her. "But . . . That's just a penny."

"It's not just a penny!" Julie cried. "It's an A$$ PENNY!"


Mr. Mister drew back in fear. "NO! IT CAN'T BE!"

"Well, it is!" Sailor Moo advanced towards him. "And now it's time for me to show my true power!" She raised the a$$ penny in the air. "MOO PRINCESS POWER, MAKEUP!" Julie yelled.

Mr. Mister watched in horror as Julie's Sailor Moo outfit morphed into a long white gown. He knew that gown . . . The Moo Princess! OH . . . SH*T. I'M IN TROUBLE NOW.

"Mwhahahaha. I'm your worst nightmare! Mwhahahaha. Prepare to meet your doom!" Julie was having a little too much fun with this.

"Sailor Moo, do you know what to do?" Tuxedo Dego asked.

"I think I have an idea. Let's see if this a$$ penny is all it's cracked up to be." Julie grinned. "MMM MONGOOSE!" She yelled.

A huge beam shot out from the a$$ penny, knocking Mr. Mister to the ground. As he struggled to get up, he realized that he was helpless.

"NO! IT CAN'T BE! MY POWERS . . . THEY ARE . . . GONE! I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED!"

Tuxedo Dego grinned at Sailor Moo. "I knew you could do it! You've saved the world."

"Was there ever any doubt? Never mind. Don't answer that." Julie strode over to Mr. Mister. Now let's see who you really are!" She reached down, and with a flourish, pulled the cloak from off his head.

Julie stared in shock. "It's . . . It's . . . Cajun Man?!!"


"I can't believe it!" Julie shook her head. Cajun Man! Of all people! "I just . . . I don't understand."

"Confusion?"

"Cajun Man--"

"Kevin," He corrected.

"Kevin . . . why did you do it?"

Cajun Man shrugged. "Boredom."

"Why attack the Moo People?"

"Disruption."

"What did we get in the way of? What did you hope to accomplish?"

He lowered his head in shame. "World domination?"

"That's horrible! What about my friends?"

He frowned. "Aggravations."

"You killed them! Why?"

Cajun Man paused for a moment, thinking. "Inspiration?"

"I'll never see them again!"

He shook his head. "Correction."

"What do you mean? There's a way I can save them?"

Cajun Man grinned. "Magic potion."

"Really? Give it to me, and I might let you off easy."

"Probation?"


After getting the potion from Cajun Man, Julie banished him to the far regions of Nakodish. A fate worse than death in her opinion. Julie looked at the small green bottle. Let's hope this works.

"Insta-Life," she read. "Guaranteed to instantly bring dead people back to a living state. May cause itchy, red eyes or headache. Caution: Flammable. When exposed to radiation, could have disastrous effect. Keep away from small children and five legged amphibians. Just add water."

With the help of Gerg and Alex, she mixed the potion and then poured it on the remains of the other senshi. Julie held her breath, waiting to see what would happen. Much to her joy, they slowly began fading back into existence.

"You're okay!" She cried when they had all gotten up off the ground.

Valerie jumped up and down. "I'm okay! I'm okay!" She said over and over again. "Wait . . . why wouldn't we be okay?"

"You don't remember?"

"Remember what?"

"The battle with Mr. Mister."

Bob looked around. "Did we win?"

"Yes. I defeated Cajun Man." Julie replied.

"Who?" Mallory said. "Wait . . . I'm confused."

"Me too. Why was I lying on the ground?" Niki said. "I forgot."

"Well . . . you were all lying on the ground because . . . you were all kind of dead."

"KIND OF?"

"Okay . . .you were all REALLY dead."

"We died?!" Niki yelled.

"We die?!" Mallory screamed.

"We're going to die?!" Bob cried.

"Don't you hate when that happens?"


The End of Season 1! On to Pretty Sailor Soldier Sailor Moo E!


CONTINUE

SMoo Randomness:
Niki: You know, it's so crazy it just might work!