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Episode 4: "The Legend Of The Moo Kingdom"


After several minutes of roaming the deserted place, the four had given up hope of finding intelligent life forms . . . or any life forms. Then they saw him.

From the temple door, a figure in a long white gown with a pair of cardboard wings came out. He carried a scroll and a quill pen.

Julie squinted through the dim light. "You know, that kind of looks like Alex . . ." As the figure got closer she gasped. "It is Alex!" She started running towards him.

"Oh great, here we go again." The others followed right behind.

"Alex!" Julie yelled.

The white-clad figure stopped. He looked around and behind him, but no one was there. "Oh. You talking to me?"

"Yeah. Aren't you Alex?"

The figure looked at Julie oddly. "Hell no."

"Who are you, then?"

"I'm the Fairy Who Likes Coke and Peanuts."

"I see. Do you have a name?"

"I'm called 'The Boy'."

"Right. So, do you live here?"

"F%#k no. I hate Nakodish." He pulled the cardboard wings up higher. "Damn wings. Wal Mart sh*t. Never f%#king buy anything there."

"They aren't real wings?"

"F%#k no. If I could fly, I'd leave this f%#king place."

"Why do you wear them?"

"Appearance, you know? I'm a f%#king fairy. They fly and sh*t. That's why I'm wearing the f%#king sh*t @$$ robe. You think I enjoy wearing this f%#king thing? I feel like an ugly f%#king hermaphrodite. Pardon my f%#king French."

The others all stared at him. Mallory was too shocked to even breathe.

"Why are you people looking at me like that? It's not my f%#king fault. I didn't ask to be a f%#king fairy." He looked at them. "What are you doing here anyway?"

Julie was the first who regained normal thinking. "We were sent in the Dimension of Unspecified Time and we ended up in f%--er--Nakodish."

"Don't you hate when that happens?" Valerie added.

"It happens all the f%#king time around here. So, do you know why you were sent here?"

"Yeah . . . unspecified time . . ."

The Boy shook his head. "Nah, it never f%#king works like that. There's always a f%#king reason. Take me for instance. I don't f%#king live here. But you know, I'm at home minding my own f%#king business, smoking some sh*t, dope, whatever I could find. When my old boss from like f%#king a long time ago tells me I gotta come here and wait for his f%#king girlfriend to show up. Something about remembering her past . . . like I f%#king care."

"I see . . . so we were brought here why?"

The Boy shrugged and scratched his neck. "Who f%#king knows? Either one of you have a boyfriend?" They shook their heads. "Big? Hairy? Itallian?"

Julie's eyes widened. "Oh! You mean Big, Hairy, Itallian guy!"

"Whatever."

"That's my boyfriend. Sort of."

"Good. I've been waiting so f%#king long my f%#king @$$ pennies . . ."

"@$$ pennies?"

"Long story. So anyway, welcome to your f%#king pasts. Hope you enjoy the tour. This is your F%#king home."

"You mean. . ."

"Yeah . . . The F%#king Moo Kingdom."


"No!" Julie yelled in horror. "It can't be true!"

Krystina stepped forward. "Julie, the Fairy Who Likes Coke and Peanuts is right. This used to be the Moo Kingdom."

Julie frowned. "You mean, we were the protectors of Hell?" (Sometimes, just when you start to feel like life really sucks, you find out that in a past life you lived in Hell . . .no wait, even better, you PROTECTED hell, and suddenly, your life seems a whole lot nicer.)

"Of course not! Many years ago, Nakodish used to be a beautiful, happy place."

"Are you sure?" Julie found that hard to believe.

"Yes." Krystina turned to The Boy. "Fairy Who Likes Coke and Peanuts, you were sent here to remind us of our past lives. Is that correct?"

"F%#k if I know. But yeah, Tuxedo F%#king Dego gave me this." He held up the scroll.

Julie beamed. "Ohhh . . . Tuxedo --f%--Dego gave that to you? Can I touch it?"

The Boy shot her a weird look. "Okay, so I'm like f%#king supposed to read this to you. Only problem is that it's the f%#king most boring thing I've ever read." He held up the quill pen. "So, I had to make some alterations."

"Okay . . . go ahead."


The Boy cleared his throat. "Once upon a time, a f%#king long time ago, there was this chick and her daughter. And so, you know, the chick like f%#king ruled the Moo Kingdom and was in charge of the well-being of everyone and all that other sh*t.

"So, like the daughter, you know, she's like f%#king bored. All she does is walk around moaning and groaning about how much she f%#king hates the Moo Kingdom."

Mallory raised her hand. "Uh . . . sorry to interrupt, but do you think you could tell the story with a little less profanity?"

"I'll f%#king try."

"Thank f%--aaaah---er--you."

"So, anyway, she's like, screw this place, I'm f%#king out of here. And then she's got these four friends who are like these chicks that are supposed to f%#king watch out for the princess. They're like, dude, don't go. You'll like screw up the whole f%#king order of things and sh*t. And she's just like, whatever I'm gone."

"Where does she go?"

"Shut the f%#k up. I'm getting there. So like, this chick heads out and she ends up in the f%#king Land of Coke and Peanuts. But, ya know, she's really f%#ked up now, 'cause like the Coke and Peanut people hate the Moo people. And they're like, hey dude, we don't like you. Guess what? You're gonna die!

"So, now the princess is like, dude, I should have listened to my friends. Now I'm gonna die, and where are they? Some f%#king guardians. But, you know, lucky for her the Prince shows up. And he's like, whoa, you're hot. And she's like whoa, you're hot. And he's like dude, what's your name? And she's like, dude, what's your name. And he's like--"

"We get the point."

"Right, so you know, like they fall in love and all that sh*t. La la la. They frolic around with goats, and everybody's f%#king happy. But then, life sucks for them. The four friends show up and they're like dude, hey, we're really f%#king screwed now. The Moo Kingdom is under attack, and everybody's f%#king dead."

"Okay, you know what?" Mallory interrupted. "I can't take this anymore. "Could you get to the point? Look at Niki! She already fell asleep!"

"No I didn't!"

"Well, you will soon."

"Whatever. So, they all f%#king die, the end."

Julie looked confused. "So . . . that's it? That's our past? All we need to know?"

"Yeah. Well, except for the part I didn't translate. That just says some sh*t about the princess, the prince, and all of the guardians being reincarnated on Earth present time and sh*t to fight some evil. That's f%#king about it."

"So, why do they have to fight evil?"

"Well, the good guys are like, "sh*t, ya know? We're too f%#king old to be fighting evil." so they're like, okay, we know what to do. We're gonna f%#king call upon some people to fight in our places while we sit on our fat @$$es all day."

"Less profanity . . . please?"

"I'm f%#king working on it. So, these people they call upon? They're these five chicks who are suddenly supposed to be called the "Sailor Soldiers of Love and Justice" and they're supposed to save the Moo Kingdom. Okay, so like only problem is, they all f%#king die."

"They all DIE? That's us! (I think)"

"You mean we die?"

"We died?"

"We're going to die?" (Conjugating verbs in past, present, and future tense)

"F%#k if I know. I didn't write it."

Mallory shook her head. "Wait . . . I'm confused."

"I think everybody is."

Krystina stepped forward. "Basically, what he said is that you are all reincarnations of the Moo people. One of you is the reincarnation of the Moo Princess and the others are her protectors."


"Krystina is right!" They all turned to see a figure standing in the shadows. "You are all protectors of the Moo Kingdom!""

Julie smiled. "Kick @$$ pennies. We all feel super special now." She squinted at the new figure. "Hey, wait a second . . .who are you?"

He stepped out of the shadows. Julie's eyes widened, and she began to swoon. "Tuxedo Dego!"

"Yes. I would have been here sooner, but the traffic was terrible. I'm dreadfully sorry that I left my incompetent SERVANT to try and explain your pasts to you."

"Yeah . . . we kinda had no clue what he was talking about."

Tuxedo Dego shook his head in disgust. "Well, you get what you pay for."

The Boy was pissed. "I wasn't paid sh*t."

"My point exactly."

The Boy shrugged. "Whatever. I thought I had made it f%#kingly clear. I'm leaving I got to go burn some f%#king CDs."

"No, don't go!" Julie cried out. She was so confused. I'm madly in love with Tuxedo Dego . . . and yet . . . The Boy was just SO cool . . .

"I have to. See you some other f%#king time." With that, he was gone.

Julie's eyes glazed over. I think I'm in love.

Tuxedo Dego turned to the others. "It is now time for you to learn who you are and to gain your first powers."


Julie turned back to the big, hairy, Itallian guy. On the other hand . . . I think I could settle for the available one. She grinned. Now it's just a matter of getting his attention. Of course, hey, I'm Sailor Moo. Who could resist me anyway?

"Okay, big, hairy, Italian guy." Niki crossed her arms. "You seem like you know what's going on. Explain one thing to me . . . was I a walrus in a past life?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Are you positive?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Ok. That's all I wanted to know."

Julie shoved Niki aside who promptly fell asleep upon hitting the ground. "So . . . Tuxedo Dego. . ." She ran up to the big, hairy, and Itallian guy and grabbed his arm. "What'd ya say if we go ahead and ditch these kids, hop in the backseat of Lauren's car . . . and you know . . ." Julie started mimicking . . . well . . . details are not needed.

Mallory rolled her eyes. "You wanna take this somewhere else?"

Julie grinned wickedly. "I'll take Tuxedo Dego anywhere."

"Actually, my name is Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts."

"Wait a second." Julie frowned. "I thought you were Tuxedo Dego."

"I am."

"Huh?"

"I am his future self."

"What?"

"I'm from the future."

"Oh . . ." Poor Julie. She was confused. "Wait. Come again?"

"I am the REAL Tuxedo Dego." Everyone (but Niki) turned to see . . . well . . . another big, hairy, Itallian guy.

"Two of you?" Julie looked from one big, hairy, Itallian guy to the other. Wow, I'm so lucky! Confused . . . but lucky.

The Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts looked at Tuxedo Dego. "How did you get here?"

"I flew."

Valerie gasped. "You can fly?"

"Wait. I'm confused."

"In an airplane, yes."

"Right." Valerie paused. "Wait a second. Is it really possible for two people who are actually the same person to exist at the same time in the same place?"

"Hmm . . . probably not."

"That can't be good."

Julie shrugged. Who cares the point is . . .there are two of you and . . . only one little ole me. We'll have to figure something out . . . I don't know if THREE can fit in the backseat of Lauren's car . . ." Julie smiled and batted her eyes at a poor attempt at being sexy.

Mallory stepped forward. "Is something wrong with your eye?"

"No. I'm being sexy."

"Julie. You're sick."

"No. I'm just special."

Valerie sighed. And they think I need help.

The Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts shook his head. "You know what? You guys have completely missed the reason I sent for you. Have you forgotten about Jeff, Evil, Evil, Jeff?"

Julie wrinkled her nose. "No. Unfortunately, his smell still lingers. I think I'm gonna have to burn my clothes."

"Have you forgotten your mission?"

Valerie scratched her head. "Mission? What mission? We had a mission?"

"Yes! To protect the Earth of your time so that the Earth of my time will be safe." The Prince sighed. "I came here to warn you of the danger ahead. If you aren't careful, you will all die grisly, horrible, bloody, disgusting deaths. Again."

"AGAIN??!!" The four sailor senshi yelled out in shock. (Niki had meanwhile woken up) "We died?"

"Yes! That's why I'm here. To make sure it doesn't happen again. Like last time."

"Wait . . . exactly how many times have we died?" Mallory was STILL confused.

"Several."

"Cool."

Everyone stared at Valerie.

"What? Did I say the wrong word?"

They just stared.


A few minutes later the sailor soldiers found themselves sitting around a campfire eating s'mores and drinking hot chocolate. They all listened as The Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts told the long forgotten legend . . .

"It is written in the long forgotten legend that many years before the age of time there was once a beautiful kingdom in the beautiful land of (cough, choke) Nakodish known as the Moo Kingdom. It was ruled by a beautiful queen who had a (shock) beautiful daughter."

"They were really good with the adjectives."

"Be quiet."

"Sorry."

"And, since it was written that the princess would one day posses the power to save the entire world, but that there would be people who would try to use that power for evil, the princess had four soldiers chosen to protect her."

"So, basically these four soldiers were the suicide squad? Only not by choice."

"Sailor Psychopath, your interjections are not appreciated."

"Okay. I get the hint."

"The four soldiers tried to protect the princess by locking her up in the castle so no one could hurt her."

"Good plan."

The Prince just glared at Valerie who shrugged and tried to put her foot in her mouth. "Any way, as good as the plan might have been the princess was too stubborn. She refused to stay locked up and went instead out into the world to earn her living as a goat herder."

"Swhiei reiiir iweedfn."

"What?"

Valerie pulled her foot out of her mouth. "Sorry. Foot in mouth. Just thought it was funny how the princess of the Moo kingdom has an obsession with goats."

"What's so funny about that?" Julie asked.

"You know . . . moo? Cows? It should have been cows."

"Well, I'm Sailor Moo, and I like rabbits."

"Was I talking about you?"

"Actually, you were."

"Huh?"

The Prince looked at Julie and smiled. "Sailor Moo is the princess you all were sworn to protect. She is the princess of the Moo Kingdom."

"Hah! I'm a princess! I knew it!" Julie shoved her hand into Niki's face. "Pay up. You lose."

Mallory was shocked. "Niki you bet Julie that she wasn't the princess? How much?"

"My year's allowance. I figured I would win. I really thought that I was the princess."

"And ha! It was me! I'm the princess! Pay up!"

"Sorry. I don't get an allowance."

Julie sat back down in a huff. Damn freshmen . . .

Valerie stood up.

"Where are you going?" The Prince demanded.

"Are you kidding me? I'm not sticking around. If Julie's the princess the rest of the story must really suck."

"BY ORDER OF THE PRINCE YOU WILL SIT DOWN OR I WILL HAVE YOU BEHEADED!" The Prince yelled.

"Okay. I'm sitting." Valerie hurried to obey. "And my foot? In my mouth."

The Prince paused to regain his royal composure. "Anyway, the princess runs off to the first city she sees. Unfortunately, it is located in the Land Of Coke and Peanuts. Little to the princess's knowledge the Coke and Peanut people despised the Moo people ever since one of the Moo goats had escaped and eaten their favorite peanut tree."

"Peanuts grow on trees? Cool." Niki thought about that for a minute. The thinking wore out her head, and she fell asleep.

"Wow. I guess those people knew how to hold a grudge."

"Yes, Sailor Unico, and when they realized that the princess was one of them they decided to have her burned at the stake at once. However, lucky for the princess, the prince of the land sees her and automatically falls in love with her. Even though their love was forbidden, they continued to meet in secrecy. Unfortunately, an unstoppable evil that threatened to destroy the world was rising and heading their way."

"Don't you hate when that happens?" The Prince glared. "Right. Foot. In mouth. Working on it."

"That was when the princess felt power growing inside of her. Power she knew would fight the evil. The prince realized that he needed to do something in order to protect the woman he loved. Since his people refused to help the princess, he sent for her guardians." The Prince turned to the others. "Sailor Unico, Sailor 24601, Sailor Psychy, you were three of the four chosen warriors."

Mallory nudged Niki who was still asleep. "Hey, this is our part."

"Oh . . ." Niki sat up. "Did we save the world?"

The Prince looked away. "Well, actually . . . no. You all died horrible, grisly, disgustingly gross deaths before the final battle arrived."

Valerie pulled her foot out of her mouth, her eyes shining. "Oh me first! Me first! How did I die?"

"You choked on Root Beer"

"Come again?"

"You were in the castle's kitchen, drinking Root Beer. Mallory said something funny, you laughed . . . and then you died."

"That was it? How lame is that! How could I have died so pathetically? And because of Mallory? That's so unfair!"

"You need not be jealous. Sailor Unico suffered from a really sad death also."

"Oh great. What happened to me?"

"You were downloading a KiSS doll. Your computer overloaded and blew up."

"How depressing. My demise was because of KiSS dolls? I knew downloading stuff was a bad idea."

"90% of domestic accidents happen inside the home." Niki said wisely. "Often because of computers. I think."

"Sailor 24601, your death was equally unpleasant. Your mother ran over you while backing out of the driveway."

Niki shrugged. "Figures. She seems to do that a lot."

Julie grinned. "Great! With everyone else dead, I saved the world, right?"

"Uh. No. Actually, the story is rather humorous."

Julie frowned. "Go ahead then."

"Well, after Tuxedo Dego had been mauled by goats-- "

"I was mauled by goats?"

"Yes, you were. It was actually more like sexually assaulted . . . but, we don't need to go into that."

Tuxedo Dego sighed. "I always wondered why I had goatphobia. The fear of goats. The psychologist seemed to think it was because my dog died. He told me the fear of goats was because I was afraid of getting close to another animal. But I guess he was wrong."

The Prince continued. "The princess saw what was happening from the tower window. In an attempt to run down to rescue her love, she fell down the stairs and died. Also. Like everyone else."

"Okay. So, if everyone else dies, then I die, who saves the world?"

"No one." Everyone stared. "Once the great evil realized that taking over the world would be simple, it decided to throw a party."

"Why not."

"All of the evil henchmen that were used to do the great evil's evil doings . . . seeing as how the great evil was just a big black blobby-thingie and really couldn't do anything . . . were invited to the party. They all got really drunk and then hopped into their carriages to go take over the world. Unfortunately, the horses had gotten a little too party-happy and they were also drunk. There was an accident that night. Several, actually. Needless to say, no one took over the world."

"So . . . basically, what you're saying is that even though we all died because of freak-accidents before we could save the world, it didn't matter because all the evil people decided to get drunk and then in several more freak-accidents also all just happen to die?"

"Yes. That about sums it up."

"Don't you hate when that happens?"


"However, the great evil was never destroyed. Over many centuries he has been gathering evil henchmen to take over the world again. Only, this time the evil henchmen are smart (well, most of them). They aren't going to let anything get in their way. Especially not the same people who tried to stop them in past lives."

"How do we know they won't make the same mistakes?"

The Prince shook his head. "Ever heard of AA? Or MADD? You think that the initials spell out Madd by accident? Of course not! These organizations were formed by the great evil to educate his henchmen that drinking is bad. I have you know that each and every one of these henchmen you are going up against has been sober for over two years."

"Wow. They have no lives."

"So, it sucks to be us?"

"Not necessarily. In the past you died before being able to use your powers to stop them. Alone, you are weak. Together, you will be stronger than they are. Even though they will outnumber you approximately 100 to 1."

"Great odds."

"But, when the princess's power awakens, you will be invincible."

They all stared at Julie. "What? Why are you looking at me?"

"It's just so hard to believe that YOU are a princess AND that YOU are going to save the world."

"Well, believe it." Julie stuck out her tongue. "Face it, LITTLE freshmen, I'm better than you!"

"I am not LITTLE!" Niki yelled out, offended. "Okay, well . . . maybe a little little. But not a lot little."

The Prince looked at each of the sailor guardians. "It is time to gain your powers. I want you to all hold hands and focus your power on Sailor Moo."

"Why? That is SO cheesy. Come on, can't we like, do something cool?"

"Just do it."

Sailor Unico, 24601, and Psychy all grabbed hands and focused on Julie. They stood like that for awhile. Just when they had started to think the only reason the Prince made the do it was to make them look stupid, something happened. A bright beam of light came down and surrounded the three. When it was gone, they all let go.

"That was it? We all have powers now?"

"Yes, Sailor 24601. When the time comes you will use your powers to protect Sailor Moo and to defeat the enemy."

"We have to protect Julie? Can't we just like practice or something?"

"No."


"So . . . Prince Who Eats Nuts and Caffeinated Beverages . . ." Valerie scratched her head. "No . . . that's not right . . ." She jumped up suddenly. "Wait! I got it! The Prince . . . Who . . . Likes Nuts . . . and Balls . . .Oh hey, wait. That didn't sound right."

The others all stared at Valerie, waiting for her to figure it all out when suddenly--

"It's the Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts, halfwit."

They all turned to see a blonde in a sailor outfit, her arms crossed.

Julie's eyes widened. "Another one? You must be the fifth soldier!"

"Yes. My name is -- "

"Bob?" A shocked Valerie cut in. "My invisible friend who . . . is no longer invisible?"

"Yes. I am known as Bob."

"No way!" Mallory shook her head. "And all this time we just thought Valerie was crazy."

"But . . . Bob . . . " Valerie choked out. "You're . . . you're . . . blonde??!!!"

"Ding ding ding. Good guess."

With tears in her eyes, Valerie ran to embrace her once invisible friend. "I'm so sorry!"

"What are you talking about? Why are you sorry?"

"Because you're blonde . . . " Valerie buried her face in her hands. "If I had just known I would have tried harder to be nice to you. I just don't know what to do . . . "

"You can start by getting off me!" Bob pushed Valerie away and walked to The Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanut's side and turn to the others. "My name is Bob. Not by choice. I am also known as Sailor Unknown. I have spent my time in the future with the Prince waiting until you people finally became sailor soldiers."

Julie glared. "You spent your time . . . with MY Prince?"

Bob smiled smugly. "Yes. We became . . . good . . . friends."

Julie felt her eye start to twitch. "Valerie?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you miss your once invisible friend if she were to suddenly . . . disappear . . . for good?"

"Oohhh . . ." Bob glared. "Was that a threat?"

"When it's a threat, you'll KNOW it's a threat."

"Was that a threat?"

Julie paused for a moment, thinking. "Yeah." Julie glared back. "You can tell fat, smelly people to kill me, you can send me to hell, you can take my computer . . . no, never mind. Forget I said it. But, NO ONE messes with MY boyfriend."

Tuxedo Dego looked hurt. "I thought I was your significant other."

"You are. You're my big, hairy, and Itallian guy." (Nice recovery)

He sighed with relief. "So, why do you like this guy? He's ugly."

"I'm your future self."

Tuxedo Dego shivered. "You mean, I'm gonna look like you when I get old?" He glanced at Julie. "Remind me to kill myself before I reach the age of thirty."

The Prince rolled his eyes. "I didn't age. I look the same as you do right now."

Tuxedo Dego grimaced. "Julie . . . is that true? I look like that?"

Julie nodded, apologetically. "Yeah. Sorry. But . . . don't you own a mirror?"

"I did. It broke after the first time I looked in it."

She patted his shoulder. "I'm sorry. Maybe you shouldn't get another one."

The Prince Who Likes Coke and Peanuts stepped forward. "Don't worry. There's no need to be jealous. I am happily married to the beautiful princess of the Moo Kingdom."

Julie stuck her tongue out at Bob. "That would be me!" She turned to Tuxedo Dego. "Oh, but don't feel bad! The Prince is your future self, so technically, you're still my significant other."

"And we have a daughter."

Julie glared again at Bob. "Yeah. And we have a daughter. So ha!" Suddenly, what had just been said dawned on Julie. "We have a WHAT??!!"


CONTINUE

SMoo Randomness:
Alex Beck: Contestant Bob said that the United States shares its northern border with The Ukraine.