A few hours later, Julie
and the other senshi sat huddled together in a hotel room near the stadium
where they had first been transported by the mysterious Matt (hew). The Architect was allowing the senshi to
spend the night together in preparation for tomorrow’s epic showdown. He had even freed Lisa, Vanessa, and Kristina
from their invisible floating bonds as a gesture of goodwill. For the most part, the three sailors were feeling
fine despite their imprisonment, although Lisa now felt the need to snuggle
even more closely to Bob – for protection, she claimed.
“Can we please start
now?” Bob asked as she shoved the blue-haired freshman aside. “I’d really like to find my own PRIVATE room
once the senshi meeting is over.”
“Sushi?” Niki said.
“It’s senshi, you dolt,” Valerie clenched her
fists in annoyance. “I swear, if you get
it wrong one more time, I’ll –”
“I’m not an idiot like
Bob,” Niki retorted. “I know how it’s
pronounced. I was asking if anyone
wanted sushi. I’m thinking of getting some delivered.”
“
“You don’t have time to
eat,” Julie said, grabbing Mallory’s arm and pulling her onto the double bed,
while she plopped herself down on the floor with the other senshi. “You have a meeting to run.”
“Err, I didn’t realize I
was in charge,” Mallory said, a bit flustered, perched on the end of the bed.
“It’s what Krystina would
have wanted,” Julie replied. “Now tell us
how the hell we are going to get out of this mess.”
“Err, sure.” Mallory was
silent for a long moment as she scanned the room, looking for inspiration. “Well, I was watching MacGyver on TV the
other day, and it really got me thinking.
If only we had a pen and paper, then we could –”
“Construct a
self-propelled missile launcher slash leg hair remover?” Valerie guessed. She chucked.
“That was a funny episode.”
“Err, no.” Mallory said
sheepishly. “I thought we could use the
pen and paper to make a list of ways we can possibly save ourselves and/or the
world.”
“Here’s paper and pen,”
the useful, and never redundant, Special K said as she handed said items over
to Mallory. “It’s got the hotel branded
on the side. There’s also a Bible if you
think we’ll be needing one for last rights or
something.”
“Thanks,” Mallory
said. She pulled off the cap and set the
point of the pen to the paper. “So … suggestions?”
The room was very, very
quiet. You could have heard a pin drop. Or a pen, if Mallory had
dropped it. Or you could have
found a needle in a haystack if you were looking very, very quietly.
Then suddenly there came
a knock at the door.
“Oh thank goodness,” Niki
said, relieved that the awkward silence had been lifted. “I think my senshi delivery is here.” She froze
half-way to the door. “Senshi. Senshi – sushi? F#%k.”
“I believe they call that
word-vomit,” Julie said unhelpfully, as she pushed past Niki to the room door.
“It did leave a rather
sour aftertaste,” Niki sighed, pursing her lips.
“Sometimes you just can’t
stop the worthless crap that comes out of your mouth.” Julie unlocked the deadbolt and pulled open
the door – and gasped with surprise. “KRYSTINA?!!”
“What the hell are you
doing here?” Julie cried at the purple- colored feline that stood in the
doorway.
Krystina the cat sniffed
at Julie as she sauntered in, leaping up onto the bed to settle next to
Mallory. “You don’t very well think that
I had left you to your own devises?” she said haughtily in a vague old-lady
British accent. “Honestly, the world
would have ended three years ago if I wasn’t here to fill the void left when
half of you were born without brains.”
“Whoa, mega burn!”
Valerie cried, debating whether or not she should be impressed or insulted.
“Seriously, thanks for that
vote of confidence,” an embarrassed second-in-command sighed, throwing the pen
and paper aside. “We might as well give
up now, huh?”
“If it makes you feel any
better, I categorized you in the half with
brains,” Krystina reassured Mallory.
“Err, thanks.”
“Krystina, how did you manage
to find us?” Eva said. “I admit that I
need to brush up on my Web of Time 101, but I have at least deduced that we’re
caught in some kind of temporal flux of the time-space continuum … or someplace
else with really big words I only pretend to understand.”
“I have friends in misty
places,” Krystina replied with a wink.
She coughed up a hairball. “Now
let’s get down to business. I don’t know
for sure what’s in store for Julie in the showdown tomorrow, but I do know that
there’s only one way she’ll find the strength to defeat the leader of the
Others in time to save the Republic from certain doom.”
“By drinking carbonated
beverages of the future?” Alexia guessed.
“By morphing into a
harmless little bunny and then multiplying at an alarmingly fast rate?” Vanessa suggested. “I could show her
how. To morph, I mean. Not to breed.”
“Both are valid
suggestions,” Krystina said, pacing the length of the bed, “but neither will
work. The evil we face is far too
great.”
“I know what would work,”
Lisa said quietly, her eyes closed. She was
lying at the foot of the bed and appeared to be deep in thought. Either that or she was talking in her
sleep. “I discovered the truth months
ago on the day you first discovered that I was a senshi. After Julie ran me over and put me in the
coma.”
Julie laughed
nervously. “You’re missing a key word
there. Accidentally. I accidentally
ran you over and put you in that coma.”
“Don’t worry, no hard
feelings”, Lisa smiled. “It was destined
to happen, you know. It’s why I’m
destined to be the strongest … And it is why I am the last.”
Krystina’s ears perked up
and she stared intently at the youngest senshi.
“Go on, Sailor Meow,” she said.
“It’s time that they learned the truth.”
Lisa opened her eyes and
turned to Julie. She spoke without
raising her voice above a whisper - reverently, as though speaking any louder
would make it all untrue. “There is a
place in the desert. A
sacred place where none may go but a great warrior. There is a spirit guide there, one who knows
the past and the future. She helped me
find my true calling and told me that some day I would awaken to my full
potential. You must go to her. It is the only way.”
Julie
glared at Krystina, somewhat miffed.
“Who is this spirit guide and how come the freshman knows about her but
I don’t?”
Krystina leapt down from
the bed and walked over to where Julie sat, resting a paw on the leader’s
knee. “Julie,” she said gently, “you
mustn’t be upset. There’s no time for
hurt feelings. This guide is more
important and powerful than you could possibly imagine. She was the first to be blessed with the
power of the planets.”
Julie frowned. “The first to be blessed
with the power of the planets?
But that means …”
“That’s right,” Krystina
nodded. “She’s the original Sailor
Senshi.”
“Holy sushi!” Niki cried in disbelief. “That chick
must be old.”
“She would be if she were
still living,” Krystina agreed.
“However, she died a millennia ago. Upon her deathbed, the first Sailor Senshi
released some of her power into the earth, and from this power, other senshi
were called. For hundreds of years, the
power spread, spilling out across the planets and into other galaxies and
seeking out thousands of girls of destiny, instilling within them strength,
speed, and special abilities. Lisa is
the last.”
“But why is Lisa the
last?” Vanessa asked.
“I really wish I could
answer that question,” Krystina sighed. “We’ve
known for years that the end was coming – the Prince, the Fairy, and myself. We’ve done
all we can to prepare you for the evil you must face but we still don’t know
how to keep the senshi line from dying out.”
“We’re losing our grip on
our powers, aren’t we?” Eva said. “I’ve
been a senshi for many more years than the others, but I’m still not as
powerful as I should be. I can’t control
Time like a true guardian should.” She sighed.
“Hell, I can’t even tell Time
and that’s pretty damn bad.”
“And let’s not forget
that we outnumber the senshi from outer space 2 to 1 and we STILL can’t defeat
them,” Bob chimed in. As usual, her
contribution to the conversation didn’t make anyone feel better.
“We’ve done what we can,”
Krystina said, shooting the blonde a nasty look. “It’s up to Julie to take the next step to
save the senshi line - and to save ourselves.”
“No pressure or
anything,” Julie muttered to herself.
“Sooo, when do we put this brilliant plan into action?”
“Tonight.”
The night sky was full of
twinkling stars, and although they seemed dim and far away, Julie was surprised
to find that they provided enough light for her to see around the outskirts of
the desert. However, she was less
surprised about that than she was about the fact that the desert located
conveniently outside their hotel just happened to be the very same desert where
Lisa had encountered the spirit guide.
Talk about coincidence.
Julie stood at the edge
of a sandy dune, scanning the surrounding area for signs of life or a path she
was meant to follow. Despite the canteen
of water slung across her hip and her history of lucky breaks, Julie still
didn’t fancy wandering an unknown desert alone at night. She was just about to call out for her spirit
guide when she caught sight of a pair of eyes glowing luminously from behind a
scrawny cactus plant.
“Err, hello!” Julie greeted
the glowing eyes with reservation. “I
hope you don’t belong to anything from the Panthera tigris
family.” The glowing eyes shifted
position, moving closer to the senshi, and she was relieved to see that they
belonged to a white cow, rather than something more sinister.
“You know, I thought you were dead,” Julie
said, recognizing that this desert cow was none other than the cow as white as
milk, once thrown from a French castle and then forced to ingest Bob’s
hair. “I’m really sorry about last year. You know, landing on Bob, eating her hair and
then dying and stuff,” she said sympathetically as she patted the cow on the
back. “If it makes you feel any better,
Bob died a bloody, grisly death not long after you passed on … But then she
came back. Damnit.”
The cow as white as milk
mooed softly and nudged Julie with its head, gently pointing her in the
direction from which it came.
“I’m guessing we go that
way?”
The cow nodded, and
assured that Julie would follow, it turned and walked off. Immobile for a long moment, Julie watched as
darkness closed around the departing white rump before rushing forward to join
her new animal guide. As the senshi and
cow journeyed deeper into the desert, she wondered where it would lead her.
Back in the hotel room,
the rest of the Sailor Senshi were miserable, waiting impatiently for Julie’s
hopeful return, and wishing that in the meantime they could do something
useful.
“I wish that we could do
something useful!” Special K cried, stamping her foot in frustration. “The suspense is killing me.”
“Leaving our fates in
Julie’s hands doesn’t exactly reassure me that we’ll all live to see tomorrow.”
Bob sniffed. Offended on Julie’s behalf,
Niki smacked the blonde on the back of her head - although secretly, she agreed
with her.
“As the Sailor Senshi
leader, this is her duty, a burden she must bear,” Lisa said very serenely. Out
of all of them, she seemed to be coping the best. “We must have faith that the spirit guide
will show her the way.”
“What was the spirit
guide like?” Eva asked Lisa casually.
“She wasn’t … mysterious and disembodied, was she?”
Lisa smiled. “Well, she was quite mysterious, but she wasn’t disembodied.” Lisa’s voice became deeper and more dramatic
as she relished in her memory. “ I first glimpsed her
on the other side of a sacred fire, moving with an animal grace. Her body was covered in tribal marking and
she was clothed in garments not seen for thousands of years. She was primitive, yes, but she was much more
than that – ancient, wise, and powerful.”
“Well, I bet she doesn’t
have a door or a magical ornate staff-thingie,” Eva muttered, failing to conceal
her jealousy.
“Don’t worry,” Lisa said,
patting Eva on the shoulder. “Just
because the original Sailor Senshi is the only one wise enough and powerful
enough to lead Julie to victory doesn’t mean that you should feel inferior or
anything. Your contributions to this
team, though minor, are still valued.”
“And hey, we like you a
lot more than Bob,” Mallory said cheerfully.
Somehow this didn’t make
Eva feel any better.
It was still night in the
desert but now Julie’s path was lit by flames as well as stars. The cow as white as milk had led her to a
bonfire at the gaping mouth of a desert cave before it departed. Julie knew that she was expected to wait near
the fire for whoever – or whatever – was lurking within the darkness of the
cave, just out of sight. Julie
positioned herself cross-legged before the fire and stared across the flames
into the cave.
Not sure what to expect,
Julie was startled when a flash of movement from the cave caught her eye. She squinted through the flames and could
make out a human-shaped shadow, crouched low and swaying side to side, staring
at the senshi.
“Err, hello,” Julie
greeted a mysterious figure for the second time that night. She was far nicer
to mysterious figures than she was to freshmen.
“I take it you’re my spirit guide?”
The swaying, shadowy
figure said nothing.
Julie frowned, unsure of
how the meeting was supposed to progress.
“Is this like a three questions thing?
‘Cause if it is, then my favorite color is blue. I mean … red.” She paused, deep in thought. “Yes, red.”
The swaying, shadowy
figure still said nothing.
“So, how about the whole
senshi line dying out and no more sailors being called
to guide the planets? Wanna tell me what
that’s all about?” Julie tried to sound casual.
When the spirit guide
finally spoke, it was with a mystical – though not disembodied – voice. “You
think you are losing your ability to love.”
Julie was flabbergasted,
practically dumbstruck, although, as usual, she couldn’t be silenced for long. “Huh?
I didn’t say that! What the hell are you talking about?”
The spirit guide didn’t
seem to be moving her lips but the words still came, filling Julie’s mind. “You
are afraid that being a senshi means losing your humanity.”
“You know, if the other
senshi were here, they’d probably make a crack about how I didn’t have any
humanity to begin with. And then I’d
kill ‘em.”
“Love is pain and the Sailor Senshi must forge strength from
it.”
Julie nodded this
time. She was beginning to think there might
be something to this whole wise-and-powerful Original Sailor Senshi thing. “I’d actually have to agree with you on that
one. When I thought I was in love with
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Tuxedo Dego, not the other one), that was quite
painful. And
humiliating. And although I’m
expected to love my daughter, he/she causes me more pain than you could
possibly realize …”
The primitive senshi paced
behind the bonfire, the fire’s flames making her shadow dance along the cave’s
wall. “Love will bring you to your gift.”
“What?” a confused Julie
said. It dawned on her that this is how
Mallory must feel on a regular basis. It
sucks not knowing what the hell people are talking about.
“Death is your gift.”
Say what? Julie’s eyes widened. “Death –”
“Is your gift,” the primitive senshi finished,
nodding as she swayed.
“Death is the gift … I’m
bringing to Bob?” Julie asked, more confused than ever.
The primitive senshi
merely smiled. “Your question has been answered.”
She stopped swaying and stood from her crouched position.
A bewildered Julie
watched as the Original Sailor Senshi, the cave, and the bonfire shimmered like
a mirage and vanished from view. As
Julie’s eyes adjusted once again to the darkness, she found that she was
staring at the hotel where she and the other senshi were staying as Matt(hew)’s “guests”.
Her pilgrimage was
over. Dawn was on the horizon.
The Showdown
The
sun was already high in the sky a few hours later, after the Architect’s
camera-wielding cronies had roughly collected the senshi from their hotel
room. Julie was once again standing in
the huge outdoor stadium, surrounded by cheering fans, only this time she stood
alone. She suspected that the other
senshi were being held in the plush TV viewing room where she had recently
watched their own reality struggles. Lucky them.
A
pink-haired figure approached from the opposite end of the stadium. Sailor Cranberry looked far more smug and confident
than Julie felt, but Sailor Moo refused to show the enemy any weaknesses. She stuck her chin up in the air and put on
her b*tch face. (which, by the way, looked an awful
lot like her everyday face).
As
the two senshi leaders stood glaring at each other on the stadium’s 50 yard
line, the Architect joined them, wearing a striped umpire’s uniform and the
same four nametags. “Are we ready for the final showdown?” He asked, far too
cheerfully. “Winner takes all – the Earth
and the future. No pressure.”
Cranberry
glared down her nose at Julie. “Remember
what I said last time? You better bring it.”
Julie
glared back up at Cranberry, narrowing her eyes so much that they were no
longer open. “Oh don’t worry, it’s already on its way – bubble-wrapped, packaged taped, and mailed through UPS – first
class.” Sucka’!
Cranberry
laughed haughtily. “Then it’ll never make it here in time. You should have used Fed-Ex.”
“Now,
girls, girls,” the Architect chided, “let’s save the cat fight for when the
games begin. No reason to kill each
other before then.”
“What
“game” are we playing, exactly?” Julie challenged. “The Real Sailors of
The
Architect laughed. “Gracious, no. Although that ElimiSENSHI sounds like a premise with
promise. I’ll keep that in mind
for next season, should anyone survive until then.” He cleared his throat and his smile became
significantly more malevolent. “No, the game you will be playing is more of a
throwback to the classic game shows of yesteryear. I call it – The Price is Life.”
The Price is Life
Julie
and Sailor Cranberry stood side by side behind flamboyantly colored podiums,
both wearing hand-written nametags.
Julie had expected the sets to look somewhat more sinister, but the stage
was only a slightly modified replica of the original – which, though 80s
color-schemed, was fairly low on the sinister scale. Maybe a 3.5/10.
Cranberry
smirked down at Julie. “This should be
an easy victory. The Price is Right is my favorite show.”
Julie
was surprised. “Really? You mean the series is broadcast all the way
to planet Slutty Skirts or wherever it is that you come from?”
Cranberry
rolled her eyes. “Of course it is. My planet isn’t that far away, you know, and
the hole in your Ozone layer makes reception even better. Besides, Bob Barker is from my hometown in
the Omega Star zone. We’re big fans.”
“WHAT?
BOB BARKER IS AN ALIEN?” Julie tried to play it cool, but inside she was
seething. And all this time I trusted him to showcase valuable prizes with retail
prices that can be guessed by the average Joe-Schmo … I wanted to be that
Joe-Schmo!
“Of course he is. All talk show hosts are from other planets. It’s why they have such unnaturally large
white teeth.”
Having
overheard their conversation, the Architect chuckled malevolently again. “True, true. Unfortunately, Bob Barker is no longer with
us. He retired before the taping of this
episode. Missed the shores of
Julie
wasn’t sure whether this news was good or bad.
“So, who’s the new host, then?”
“Let’s
find out!” The Architect said cheerfully as he turned to face the stage. “Will
the new host of The Price is Life –
Come on Down!”
Julie
gasped as she saw the host enter, convinced now that the Earth was surely
doomed. The last time she had seen that large-nosed,
hideous visage had been in the fortress of Mistress 13. It had taken all of the then-living senshi,
the superheroes from the 80s, plus Boudreaux’s Butt Paste to defeat him the
first time. It was something she prayed
every night to forget. The whole thing was
almost as disturbing as –
“Bonjour … ‘Allo … Salut!” Mr. Schmith, former B*tch,
greeted the audience in his obnoxious French accent. “For aujoud’hui’s Contestant’s Row, our prize
ees this …” he paused for dramatic effect as a curtain behind him was raised to
reveal – “zee singing l’ananas!”
“NOOOOOOOO!” Julie
screamed in horror, covering her eyes and looking away. “Anything but that! For Niki’s Sweatshirt’s sake, give me a
skeleton rock band or a murderous chef with knives, just not –”
Julie’s
plea was silenced for at that moment, zee singing l’ananas had begun to sing,
in high-pitched, watery voices.
Zee Price is Life-
Make a bid!
Whoever gets closest,
Ees zee one that lives!
Mr.
Schmith smiled and clapped effeminately as the pineapples finished their rather
disturbing song. “Zere you have eet, zee rules of the game, sung so eloquently
by zee most talented of all fruits. Now vee begin!” He spun around and jabbed a long finger in
Julie’s face. “You! Vhat is your bid?”
Julie slowly lowered her hands from her eyes. She gulped nervously, shivering when she saw that the l’ananas were smiling at her with terrible, pointed teeth. “Um ... Two-fifty?”
Mr.
Schmith sneered at her. “Very vell. Two-fifty it
is.” He spun back to Cranberry. “And
you? Vhat is your bid?”
“Let’s see … pineapples are considered a delicacy on my home planet and they are quite expensive there, due to having to import them across 3 million light years,” Cranberry mused out loud. “So I’ll guess one hundred dollars?”
Ah ha!
What a dumba$$, Julie thought.
I relish my soon-to-be victory.
“Vell,
you are both wrong,” the ex-B*tch sneered again (the French have always been
big on the sneers). “Remember those
Mastercard commercials? Pineapples from the grocery store - three seventy-five … zee singing l’ananas –
PRICELESS.” He raised a finger
and once again pointed at Julie. “I am afraid vith zee lowest bid, you lose.”
Julie
felt a stab punch her in the gut. She
doubled over, gasping. From her bent
position she could see the front of her podium which was marked with a row of
three large, glowing Xs. As she wheezed
in pain, one of the Xs flickered and the light died. There were two left.
Mr.
Schmith continued to sneer. “As zey say
in zhat ball game zhat you American-types like to play – three strikes and you’re out!”
A
few minutes later, Cranberry and Julie had moved to the next round of the
game. Neither leader was smiling now as
both had begun to realize what was at stake – not just Earth, but their own
lives. Being rather selfish, this
disturbed them more than the thought of future doom ... or the well-being of
their home planets.
“In
zhis next round, zee prize ees very exciting, and eet is something zhat one of
you should recognize.” With an evil
gleam in his eyes, Mr. Schmith raised his arm to signal the curtain to raise, revealing none other than –
“A milk pail?” Cranberry said with disgust. “You’re joking, right?”
“Not
just ANY milk pail,” Julie exclaimed, recognizing that despite its rather
humble appearance, this was the very pail that aided her in defeating a Big-Bad
from an earlier season, sometime in the past.
It was so many years ago, her memory was kind of vague as far as which
bad guy that was. “It’s the Holy Milk
Pail! An artifact of great power, and a vessel for more than
mere milk. It belongs to me!”
“Vell,
in that case,” Cranberry replied in a sarcastic French accent, “I vill vin it for you.”
“Wow,
that’s really sweet of –” Julie began, before catching onto the sarcasm. B*tch.
“Vell,
let’s begin, shall vee?” Mr. Schmith said sweetly. “This next game ees like zee ever-popular
Tic-Tac-Toe, but vee call it here – Zecret X.
How you play ees you reveal a zecret and you receive a game piece. Zee other player asks zee question. Lie, and you
die! Very zimple,
oui?” The two senshi nodded. “And
vee begin vith you!”
Julie
pushed aside Mr. Schmith’s pointed finger.
“Alright, what “zecret” do I need to tell?”
It
was a long moment before Cranberry responded.
She obviously saw that the game was an ideal opportunity to discover the
enemy’s weaknesses. “What do you
treasure above all things in life?”
“That’s
easy, my Platinum Nintendo 2064. It is
my life.” Cranberry scowled as Mr.
Schmith nodded and handed Julie an X which she placed on the game board in the top
right of the nine squares.
Julie
smirked at Cranberry. “Here’s a kicker
for you. Is that your natural hair
color?”
Cranberry’s
face turned a shade very similar to the green of her hair as her scowl
deepened. “No,” she muttered. The fact that the question was irrelevant to
the senshi war didn’t make her feel any better.
Mr. Schmith smiled as he handed her an O which she placed on the game board
in the top left square.
“What
is your greatest fear?” Cranberry asked Julie, sure that this answer would be
the key to victory.
“That
Nintendo will stop making games for the Platinum Nintendo 2064 and I will be
forced to purchase the Wii. It’s just
not the same!” Feeling more confident, Julie
placed her next game piece in the bottom left square. Sailor Cranberry stamped her foot in
frustration.
“Was
your “Emperor” aware that your little “Death Star” is a blatant rip-off from a
very popular American science-fiction film?” Julie asked in an accusatory tone. “Actually, six films, but they like to
pretend like those last three were never really made.”
“I
don’t know what you’re—” Cranberry began, belligerently, but when Mr. Schmith
shook his head, running his finger across his adam’s apple, she sighed. “Yes, we knew it was a ripoff.” Still looking rather embarrassed, she took
her next O and put it in the middle square.
Cranberry turned back to Julie. “Is there anyone you love so much that you would
sacrifice yourself to save them?”
Julie
frowned, recalling her visit with the Original Sailor Senshi the night before
and the confusing – but poignant – things she had said. You are
afraid that being a senshi means losing your humanity. She recalled also the many times that her
own guardians had sacrificed themselves for her, both in the present and the
distant past, and she felt a little twang of guilt. But since lying meant death in this vicious
game of Tic-Tac-Toe, she had to tell the truth.
“No,”
Julie said simply. “There is no one that
I would sacrifice myself for.”
Both
Cranberry and Mr. Schmith’s eyes widened with surprise. “Wow, how is it that you ended up as a ‘good
guy’?” the green haired senshi asked.
“You’re selfish, uncaring, immoral, and indifferent. You’re much worse than me!”
Julie
shrugged as she placed her third X in the bottom right square. “Well, the Sorting Hat did seriously consider
putting me in Slytherin, but that’s another story.” She did a double take at the game board and
grinned widely. “Ah
ha! No matter where you put your
next piece, I still win! XXX across the bottom or XXX down the right side.”
Mr.
Schmith nodded with obvious disappointment as Julie grabbed the Holy Milk Pail
and swung it around her head triumphantly.
“Ah, so eet ees. I fear zhat knocks contestant Cranberry down
to two XXs.” Cranberry paled as one of
the Xs on her podium went dark. “But
have no fear! Zee Showcase Showdown ees
still anyone’s game. And you are in for quite
a surprise! On to
Round Trois!”
Julie
stared up at the big, colorful wheel she recognized from watching The Price is Right so many boring,
Saturday mornings. The only difference
now was that instead of cent amounts ranging between 5 cents and .00 there
were names all along the wheel – Unico, Special K, Pink, Chocolate, ChibiS,
Psychy, Tange, PerkyFluffyBunny, 24601, Mini Moo,
Light, Ecco, Meow, Boris, and Unknown.
Sailor
Cranberry and Julie exchanged looks.
They both could see the wheel and had noticed that the names of all of
their friends and teammates were listed.
They knew it couldn’t bode well, for anyone.
“Ah oui, zee Big Wheel!” Mr. Schmith cried exuberantly. “You’ll find this game to be somewhat
different than the original. You each have
two spins. The names your spinner lands
on are zee people who vill be spared. Zhey
are the ones whose lives you vill play for in the final round. Everyone else gets chucked zhrough zee portal
that vill open behind zee wheel.”
“Where
does the portal lead?” Cranberry asked, her voice shaking slightly with concern.
Mr.
Schmith shrugged. “Somewhere in zee
Mists of Time, I suppose. Vhere ever eet
ees, eet ees somewhere the living can not go.
Expect to never see zhem again!”
“But
that’s not fair!” Julie cried. “We’ve
followed all of the rules. We’ve played
the Architect’s stupid games, and we were promised that the winners would be
able to go home! We’ve suffered and bled
and been forced to eat and do terrible things, and when I say “we”, of course I
mean “they”, although by watching them, I was forced to suffer vicariously,
possibly suffering even more than they were suffering. For you see, unlike Elfyn, I do have tastebuds, and watching him eat
was just –”
“Enough vith your long-winded-blabbering, you silly senshi!”
Mr. Schmith yelled, cutting Julie’s rant off before she could really get
going. “Eef you had bothered to read zee
contracts you signed before beginning zee games, you vould realize that nowhere
vas eet written that ALL senshi would make eet safely home. Zee winner vill either be Sailor Moo or
Sailor Cranberry. Everyone else ees
merely reality tv fodder! Zhey vill live or zhey vill die. YOU decide!”
Sailor
Cranberry gasped, horrified, and Julie gasped, indigent over being interrupted
for the nth time that day. For a moment,
the two senshi were kindred spirits, united against a common foe. But that moment quickly passed and they were
enemies once again.
“As
zee winner of zee last round, Sailor Moo vill go first. And just to make sure zhere’s no funny
business …” Mr. Schmith snapped his fingers and all of the other senshi
appeared floating next to the Big Wheel, suspended helplessly in midair. “Eef you delay or refuse to spin, I vill
personally send one girl flying through zee portal every minute until zhere ees
none left! NOW PLAY!”
Julie
had never felt so helpless. Her mind
raced as she tried to think of something – anything – that
she could do to save her friends, but she was trapped. There was no way out of this game, except to
play by the B*tch’s rules.
As
Julie reached up to the Big Wheel to give it a hard spin, she sent a silent
hopeful prayer out into the void where Niki’s Sweatshirt was supposed to be,
assuming, of course, that it really existed.
Please let me save someone
worthwhile! Mallory or Eva or … anyone
but Bob!
Anyone but Bob, anyone but Bob … Julie
chanted as she sent the wheel spinning.
As the wheel began to pick up speed, everything else seemed to slow down
– Mr. Schmith, Cranberry, the audience and the other senshi. No one was moving or speaking and the only
sound Julie could hear was the pounding of her own heart.
As
Julie watched, unmoving, a shimmering portal, blindingly blue and white, opened
slowly behind the wheel, growing steadily larger. From the portal’s gaping mouth, mist began to
pour out and through the mist, Julie heard a voice
from the recent past.
Love will bring you to your gift.
“Right, you said that
already!” Julie yelled back to the portal.
“But I still don’t know what it means!
I could use a little more help here!
A power boost, or some butt paste … or
something!”
Death is your gift.
Julie
was furious. “Damn it woman, would you
do me a favor and just …”
And
suddenly it all clicked into place. What
the spirit guide had told her in the desert.
What she was meant to do. It was
her destiny, her final act as Sailor Moo.
This is why Meow is the last. No more senshi will be called as
my guardians.
As the wheel continued to
spin, even as it slowed down, preparing to stop, Julie took a deep breath. Time was still moving slowly, so she knew
that there was nothing that Cranberry or the B*tch could do to stop her. She turned to her friends, the other senshi,
to say goodbye.
And what happened then?
Well, in Loserville they say that Sailor Moo’s small heart grew three
sizes that day. And then the true
meaning of Love came through and Julie found the strength of ten senshi, plus
two.
“What’s happening?”
Mallory asked groggily as Julie’s eyes fell upon her. The other senshi were still immobile, still
stuck in the weird time slow down, but Mallory seemed to have been freed. Julie suspected it was because Mallory was
destined to be the new senshi leader.
“Mallory, listen to
me. I’ve come to the – rather startling
– realization that I love you. I love
ALL of you (except, perhaps, Bob). But
this is the work that I have to do. Tell
Krystina that I figured it out. And, and
I’m okay. And give my love to the
others. You have to take care of them
now. You have to be strong.”
“I … am so … confused!”
Mallory whimpered. “What’s going on?”
Julie reached up to clasp
Mallory’s floating hand. “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”
She turned away before her second in command could see the tears streaming down
her face. On second thought … Julie turned back to
Mallory. “By the way, my dying wish is
that you destroy my Platinum Nintendo 2064 so no one may derive as much
pleasure from it as I have. Promise me
you’ll do it!”
“Um … okay …”
Reassured, Julie turned
back to face the pulsating portal which had grown even larger, overshadowing
the wheel. The wheel itself had almost
stopped spinning. Julie knew that the
moment the wheel stopped, normal time would resume, and it would be too late to
make the sacrifice that had to be made.
Here goes nothing … I suppose there’s always
the chance that I’ll be able to come back as a spirit with some unfinished
business. Haunting Bob could turn out to
be a rather pleasant past time …
Before
she could change her mind, before she could question her decision or realize
that the feeling inside of her wasn’t really love but a severe case of
heartburn, Julie closed her eyes and leapt into the shimmering portal.
The
wheel stopped.
Time
resumed.
And
to everyone’s astonishment, Julie and the portal were gone.