After several weeks of living in fearful isolation aboard the spaceship, cramped in her tiny jail cell which was continuously, carefully, (and closely), guarded by several tough-looking, hard-shelled crustaceans, the blonde had all but given up hope of rescue. She knew she would die, it was only a matter of when and where . . . and how.
The commander of the spaceship, the cruel and diabolically fiendish “Big Bad of Season Three,” had not yet ordered her execution, but eventually it would come. And when it did, it would set in motion the Domino Effect: a chain reaction that would lead to the total and complete obliteration of civilization everywhere. The Republic would fall, and the Emperor of the Death Star would be free to begin the attack on anyone and everyone in the galaxy who might oppose the Great One’s tyranny.
As was mentioned just a moment ago in the paragraph prior to the last one, the blonde had given up all hope of rescue . . . that is, until she heard the song.
At first, the song had been faint, no more than a whisper. She was sure her mind was playing tricks on her. The music in her head was nothing more than wishful thinking. A figment of her imagination. Once the falsity of the so-called “song” had been decided upon, the blonde was sure she would stop hearing it since it wasn’t really there.
Only it didn’t stop. It got louder.
Convinced she was going mad from being locked away for so long surrounded by her worst nightmare (and greatest allergy), she shoved socks in her ears to drown out the noise and began talking to herself. The socks didn’t do much to block the endless song, but they did make her jailors wonder if she had indeed gone crazy.
Once word got out that the Princess had tragically lost her mind and could no longer be perceived as a threat, the guards that had always been so diligent about the supervising of the prisoner, began to slack off. Why bother to guard someone who wasn’t mentally stable enough to wear socks on her feet, much less stable enough to escape from a fortified prison in the middle of nowhere, millions of light years away from a single civilized planet (unless of course you count Earth as being civilized)?
What was at one time a group of several well-trained jumbo shrimp silently on duty for hours on end, shortly dwindled down to a few lazy lobsters that took frequent bathroom breaks.
By the time everyone else on board the spacecraft was convinced of the Princess’s lunacy, the girl realized that she wasn’t as looney as she thought she was. The song wasn’t just a figment of her imagination. She could really, truly, hear the soothing call, and she knew that she wasn’t far from the one she sought. The song was a comforting message, and it drained away all of her doubts and fears as it filled her soul with hope . . . and a plan.
When the blonde woke one morning to discover that only a narcoleptic guard (who was pretty much unconscious 24/7) stood (or rather, slept) between her and freedom from her cell, she was overcome with glee. Because she noticed something different about this guard. He was a crawfish. The blonde smiled.
She wasn’t allergic to crawfish.
“IEE FASHANA KOIKO A WANA WANA EMANO!” An unidentifiable girl with brown hair and mysterious eyes that changed colors randomly at will sang at the top of her lungs, her two pigtails bouncing as she jumped up and down.
If someone were to have walked by at that moment and heard her song, that person would have been convinced that the girl must have escaped from the mental institution just down the street (Loserville was full of them, you know). After all, the song didn’t make any sense, and she didn’t appear to be singing to anyone in particular. And while it may be suitable behavior for two year olds to sing senseless mumbo jumbo to themselves for fun, the mysterious girl was most definitely not two.
In fact, the girl was quite old. She just looked really good for her age.
Although the girl appeared to be wandering aimlessly down the street, as crazy people often do (just ask Valerie), she did have a specific destination in mind. She just wasn’t quite sure where it was.
The girl once more began her silly song as she skipped down a street lined with shops. Just as she was passing the open door of an electronics shop that had several rows of TVs lined up in front of the window, her song came to an abrupt halt.
The girl turned to the TV screens which were all displaying the same thing. Each screen was airing footage from NUTZI TUNZ’s live concert, and lyrics from “Bubblegum Baby,” their first huge single could be heard seeping out of the store through the open door.
When she heard the song, the mysterious girl could barely contain her overwhelming joy. With both hands pressed up against her cheeks, and with her eyes shining bright with love, she once again resumed jumping up and down. It’s THEM! They’re really here! She thought happily as she joyfully spun around. And they’re singing our song!
As she listened to Nutzi Tunz’s beautiful song, she couldn’t help but feel as though she was somehow more complete than she had ever been. And she couldn’t help but feel that despite the thousands of screaming fans, they were singing only for her.
“I don’t understand what happened last night,” Me confessed. It was early the following morning, and the members of Nutzi Tunz (with the exception of I and You who were still in their room . . . preoccupied with other things that the remaining band members chose not to think too much about), were gathered for their daily meeting to catch each other up on random occurrences and any information they had that would lead them to the Princess . . . or at least let them know where she was.
“Neither do I,” Elfyn admitted. “I don’t remember much of anything before midnight . . . it’s all just a denim blur. But at midnight, when I transformed into my true self, I found myself in the very dark downstairs living room, completely alone. A moment later, without any warning other than a bright flash of light, I found myself outside the building on the front yard. And no matter what I did, I couldn’t get back into the house.”
Key Key, who had listened closely to the boys’ rendition of their rather bizarre double (triple, if you count Timm, but they rarely did) date (or lack thereof), considered this new bit of information. “Did the same thing happen to you?” she asked Me.
“Pretty much,” he said. “I was on my way upstairs when the bright flash came and it felt as though a pair of invisible hands shoved me forcibly down the stairs, through the wall by the front door, and completely out of the house. I tried to get back inside because I kinda felt bad that I still hadn’t managed to find my date after the lights went out (some boyfriend I am), but it was like the house didn’t want to let me back in.”
“Did you see anyone else outside? Like your date?”
“Just Elfyn. And while he may have spent a large part of the night in my pants pocket, he was not my date.”
“That’s very interesting.” Key Key rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “It sounds like a basic invisible barrier shield, one that can be activated as protection once all of the “trespassers” were safely on the outside of the barrier’s protective walls. It’s an impressive power . . . anyone with the ability to create that kind of shield should be considered a worthy ally . . . or a dangerous adversary.”
“That still doesn’t explain why we were thrown out of the house,” Elfyn argued. “We weren’t intruders! We were invited.”
“The shield was obviously meant to protect the girls. Perhaps whoever invoked the power was under the impression that you had outworn your welcome, and that you were a danger to their safety.” Megami frowned at Key Key’s logic, unwilling to believe that anyone could consider him a danger (and for good reason). “After all, the attack didn’t come until after you arrived. Perhaps the real intruders weren’t after the girls, but after YOU.”
“But why?” Megami shook his head. “I’m not a threat. I play the piccolo for crying out loud! We’re a very mild mannered bunch of band geeks. It’s the flute players you should worry about.”
“OH!” Elfyn said excitedly, finally catching Key Key’s point (through subtext). “You mean maybe the intruders were after the Princess! Or maybe it’s the girls who are after our Princess! They could be working for the enemy. Then again . . . I’ve noticed Valerie has a vicious side, but her malevolence has always fallen short of blatant evil deeds. I think. Can’t say I’ve really gotten a chance to know her . . .”
“Exactly!” Key Key smiled. “It makes perfect sense.” (she obviously wasn’t listening to a thing he said).
Megami didn’t stop shaking his head. “No it doesn’t! It doesn’t make any sense!” He stood up and began furiously pacing, trying to burn off his frustration . . . as well as a few burning questions. “We have absolutely no concrete facts. We know nothing! WHO created the shield? HOW were Mallory and the other girls involved? And WHY can’t I ever meet a NORMAL girl?!”
“Again I ask the question, WHY were you looking for a normal girl in Loserville, of all places? And a band member, no less!” Key Key rolled her eyes.
“It’s not like you gave us many options,” Me argued. “What with your ‘ohh let’s go to the worst place on Earth and just assume our Princess will be within hearing distance’.”
“It’s not the worst place you know,” she shot back. “There’s always Monroe. Or Ohio. Or Nako—” Before Key Key could finish naming off the few (as in, VERY few) places worse than Loserville, I and You stormed into the room, their faces flushed with excitement.
“What have you two been . . . Oh, never mind,” Elfyn said, realizing that he probably didn’t want to hear the answer to his unfinished question.
“I heard her!” You exclaimed. “I heard the Princess!”
“You did?” Key Key asked I, her eyes wide with hopeful anticipation.
“No, I didn’t,” I replied. “But You did!”
“She responded to our song, just like you thought she would,” You said. “She used the secret code we developed in case anyone else picked up the aural frequencies. But I don’t think her communication was intercepted.”
“Is she okay? Is she nearby? Can we go rescue her now?”
“She sounded close, but her communication faded before I could determine an exact location. I tried to contact her several more times but I kept getting the “Call Lost” or “Out of Area” message. >She must be using Sprint,” You said. “But if we keep sending out the signal, she should be able to connect with us again! Free of charge!”
Key Key clapped her hands together with delight. “This is wonderful news! We still have time. Time to save the Republic and counter the Emperor, if we act quickly!”
“And what do we do about Mallory and the others?” Me asked, unable to get the girl off his mind. “There’s something up, I know! She may be in danger! They may all be in danger!”
“We’ll keep our eyes open,” Key Key reassured him. “If anything out of the ordinary . . . well, if anything suspicious happens, we’ll know. And we’ll deal with it.”
“Julie!” Mallory called to the older girl from the picnic table where she and the senshi who still attended Loserville High were seated. It was lunchtime, and Mallory had been eagerly awaiting this break in her day’s busy schedule to once again ask the question Julie hadn’t been willing to answer the night before.
Julie glanced her way and smiled briefly before her expression turned shifty and she quickly glancing around, as though making sure the coast was clear. A moment later, she put her hands over her face, ducked down and made a mad dash across the shallow ditch in the direction of the tree that overlooked a set of badly misspelled profanity covered tables.
When she arrived approximately 3.795 seconds later at the picnic table the other senshi had claimed as their own, Eva scooted to one side to make room for Julie. “What was the rush for?” she asked when Julie sat down next to her. “No matter how fast you get to lunch, there’s never enough time to eat and talk to your friends, it’s one or the other, so you might as well just accept that fact and take it easy. And you know, walk at a regular pace rather than dashing frantically across the picnic area.”
“Shh!” Julie said as she quickly slipped on a pair of sunglasses and ducked down as low in her seat as she could without actually sitting under the table. “I’m trying to remain incognito.”
“And the sunglasses may have helped,” Niki said, “were there actually any sun.” She pointed to the ominous clouds that hung low in the dark sky. “Unfortunately, we live in Loserville, and when it is not insufferably humid and hot outside, it is insufferably miserable, cloudy, and rainy. But the mosquitos will still get you, no matter what the sucky weather conditions.”
“Why are you trying to remain incognitive, anyway?” Valerie asked, demonstrating her poor master of the English language by mixing up vocabulary words which she did often when not thinking. Which was often.
“Because I’m not a student here,” Julie reminded her. “I’m not actually permitted on school grounds, you know. They’ve had this really strict visitor’s policy ever since they started making you guys wear those stupid name tags.”
“They come in handy whenever we need to identify bodies,” Niki said. “Anyway, Krystina put these nifty communicator things in our student IDs so that we could talk to each other while in class which is cool because now I don’t have to be sleeping, doodling, or gazing stupidly off into space in order to not be paying attention to a word the teacher is saying.”
“Julie,” Mallory said again, trying to stay on topic while finding it amazing how the writer of SMoo always manages to go off on the most random tangents rather than developing any sort of plot. “You never did tell us what happened to you . . . that power you used last night was actually effective!”
“Well, don’t make it sound like I’m normally a pathetic superhero or something,” Julie huffed, her eyes narrow. “Don’t you forget that my A$$ Penny and the Holy Milk Pail are far superior to any power you’ve ever managed!”
“I don’t know about that,” Special K said. “THE SEA IS ALWAYS GOOD was quite impressive for a freshman power, not to mention the effective, but pretty BUTTERFLY EARTHQUAKE.”
“I would have to agree with Special K,” Vanessa nodded. "Mallory’s powers are no laughing matter . . . unlike the other ex-ex freshmen, myself and Eva not included of course.” At this praise, Mallory beamed. Julie and Bob both glared. Valerie and Niki looked at each other, shrugged with acceptance, and agreed that their powers could indeed be rather pathetic.
“Whatever,” Julie sniffed. “I was just reminding you that I have super weapons beyond your wildest dreams!” she cried out, rather melodramatically.
“And I hear you’ve been putting these super weapons to good use,” Bob said, a smirk on her face. Julie’s eyes narrowed further. Narrowed so far, in fact, that they were no longer open. “That WAS the Holy Milk Pail you were using to hold the dirty water while mopping your floor . . .”
Julie opened her eyes and glared. “I guess you’re right. It would have been put to much better use if I were currently hitting you over the head with it!” She lunged at Bob, no longer incognito, as her sunglasses flew off her face. Fortunately for Bob, several of the other girls managed to hold her back before Julie could reach the evil blonde.
“How did you know that she was using the Holy Milk Pail to mop floors?” Lisa asked Bob. “Julie lives in Nakodish.”
“I have my sources . . .” Bob said smugly. “There’s a lot of juicy bits of gossip I know about Julie that I bet none of you do . . .” At that, Julie once more lunged for the ex-ex freshman, almost succeeding in breaking the grip Special K, Valerie, Niki, Lisa, Vanessa, and Eva had on her. But that might have been because Valerie and Niki had let go, both realizing that it would be really fun to allow Julie to injure Bob.
“Girls, girls!” Mallory admonished. “Act your age or it’s time out for you and no milk and cookies after your nap!”
“This coming from the girl who wears Care Bear shirts!” Julie shot at Mallory.
“Yeah, well, you’re not exactly one to talk either,” Mallory shot right back. “Or have you neglected to notice what you are currently wearing?”
Everyone looked at Julie’s shirt. In bright pink letters scrawled across the front of it were the words “GIRLZ RULE!” And in smaller font, “(BOYZ HAVE COOTIES).”
“It’s not my fault I have to shop at the Limited Too!” Julie cried. “Nothing at The Limited will fit me!”
“Well, that’s another page and a half wasted on worthless, meaningless chatter,” Niki said, barely suppressing a yawn. “Let’s get back to the plot.”
“There’s a plot?” Valerie asked incredulously. She blinked several times. “REALLY?”
“Anyway,” Julie said, ignoring her. She had since given up on killing Bob. There would be time for that later. “I will now proceed to reveal to you the chain of events that occurred since the last time I made an appearance, somewhere at the beginning of season three.” She cleared her throat. “A lot has happened. Allow me to begin.”
“You see,” Julie began, “it all began at approximately 3:14 last Saturday afternoon. I was just waking up from a rather restful fifteen hour nap, when lo and behold, to my great surprise, whom do I see?”
“Jesus?” Niki guessed.
“No . . . And I’m not sure I’ll ever be seeing him . . .” Julie had a thoughtfully nostalgic look on her face. “Nope, I won’t be seeing him, that’s for sure. Not after what happened last month . . . that crazy night . . . with that homeless man . . . and those hallucinogenic mushrooms . . .” She shook her head. “Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that I saw my daughter from the future.”
“No, the other one.”
“The OTHER one?!” Valerie cried in shock. “You have more than one?”
“Ah ha! I knew that!” Bob cried, trying to sound important, but the others were too stunned to pay any attention to her.
At the same moment Bob cried out, Eva smacked herself in the head. “Damn it! I know the future for crying out loud! How could I have forgotten that?!”
“She has her father’s eyes,” Julie said dreamily.
“No, her father.”
There was another stunned moment of silence. “Oh boy,” Mallory finally sighed. “This ought to be good.”
“Far more interesting than anything on any daytime television show, I’m sure,” Niki said. “Then again, a LOT of things are more interesting than daytime TV. Me, for one.”
“I hate to ask . . .” Mallory began, knowing that she wasn’t the only one who hated to ask any questions involving Julie’s private life. “But, who IS the father?”
“The Fairy Who Likes Coke and Peanuts. After Gerg and I divorced in the future, the Fairy visited me and we eloped back to the past, long before Gerg and I even married. In the past, we spent many a happy year living in the Land of Milk and Honey. What’s interesting is that the land is actually composed of milk and honey, making it rather impossible to build any sort of dwelling as houses tend to sink into the thick, gooey surface within a week. As a result, we lived in honey tree houses which rested on branches far above the earth and there, our daughter was born. She’s a bit peculiar, I admit, but what do you expect when you raise your daughter in trees?”
“My head hurts,” Niki said. With a hand pressed against her forehead, she went to lie down and was soon fast asleep.
“Let me get this straight,” Vanessa said, once the initial shock of this new bit of information had worn off. “You eloped with The Fairy Who Likes Coke and Peanuts, who is really Alex from another dimension who is really your daughter from the future, Alexia?”
“Uh-huh,” Julie nodded.
“When you eloped,” Special K began, “you eloped into the past, to a time before you and Gerg got married. Now I’m not sure if you were blatantly or not at all committing adultery, but after Alexia was born, you had this other daughter who is, in fact, much older than your other daughter from the future?”
“And you don’t find this at all bizarre?” Valerie asked.
“I assume you called us together for a reason?” Cranberry asked Pink, a few mornings after the attempted attack on the Sailor Senshi of Earth that had led to the senshi from outer space’s expulsion from the crazy girl’s house by an extremely powerful barrier shield. The seven senshi had gathered together at the circular table on board the grounded spaceship where they frequently talked to Charlie, their mysterious benefactor.
“If you remember, I told you a few days ago, I had a plan that would help us destroy these girls that we recently discovered are Sailor Senshi.
“Yes, we remember,” Cranberry responded. “I suppose that you have drawn out some ultimate super-evil plans that you will now unveil to us?”
“Even better,” Pink cried gleefully. “I have already created the ultimate super-evil weapon.” She gestured to the curtain that hung behind her as the six other girls looked eagerly on. “I would like to present to you (dum dum dum), a first line of offensive attack for dealing with the Sailor Senshi of Earth: S.I.M.O.N. (da da da), the Synthetic Imitation Mannoid Operation (something that begins with an “N”)!” With a flourish, Pink threw the curtains aside.
The others gasped for there, before them was none other than a . . . guy? They stared at what they assume could only be a robot of some kind because it was standing unnaturally still and unblinking, although it looked suspiciously like an ordinary (but tall), human male.
“I don’t get it,” PerkyFluffyBunny said, approaching the dark-haired robot. “How is he dangerous? Does he come fully loaded with a couple of automatic machine guns of some kind? Or if you like, pull his finger, does he self destruct, destroying not only himself but everything else within a twenty mile radius?”
“No!” Pink chortled. “He doesn’t do anything!”
“Then . . . how is he dangerous?” Sailor Boris asked, a confused look on her face.
“He is the perfect man.”
“Ohhh . . .” PerkyFluffyBunny gaped in awe. “Can I touch him?”
“He couldn’t be the perfect man,” Sailor ChibiS snorted. “There’s no such thing.”
“Well, there is now,” Pink said, “to one girl, at any rate. The other night I overheard one of the senshi talking to herself and she described the perfect man, her soul mate. He must be attractive, sensitive, and foreign with a sexy Scottish accent. But most of all, he must be gay. This is that perfect man. Well, robot, at any rate.”
“Ohh . . . ahh,” the others chimed in synchronization.
“The senshi confessed that were she to meet this perfect man, she would fall immediately in love with him and would reveal all of her deepest, darkest secrets. I have constructed and programmed S.I.M.O.N. to seduce the girl, and in doing so, learn all of the Sailor Senshi of Earth’s secrets, and hopefully, their weaknesses.”
“It’s brilliant,” Sailor Light admitted.
“Yes,” Sailor Tange agreed. “It’s so crazy . . . it just might work!”
A week later, after the senshi had gotten over the initial shock of finding out that Julie had another daughter, everyone but Niki was gathered in Mallory’s house, as they had no where better to go. No one had actually seen Niki for nearly a week, but as Niki rarely ever attended school on a regular basis, there was nothing peculiar about her current absence.
“You know, we never actually did find out why Julie now has superpowers,” Mallory realized suddenly, starring pointedly at Julie.
“You’re right,” Valerie said. “I think that we were in such shock over finding out about her second daughter, we totally forgot why the conversation began in the first place.” Everyone stared at Julie. “So why do you have superpowers?”
“Okay, so anyway,” Julie began once more, “I awoke that afternoon to discover my other daughter from the future. She had, of course, come to warn me of impending danger and to aid me in defeating the enemy, as my daughters tend to do. She took me to the future Land of Milk and Honey where I met a very powerful Cybunny, Erick the Deranged Wizard.”
“The Bridgekeeper?!!” the senshi cried in synchronization.
“That’s right. Erick told me about this incredible beverage that would, if I were to drink it, give me an incredible power up, far superior to that of Pepsi One.”
“I am in awe,” Vanessa admitted. “What could this remarkable beverage be?”
“Impossible!” Valerie scoffed. “Sierra Mist could not possibly be this incredible beverage you speak of. It is yummy and far superior to Sprite, yes, but it has no caffeine, and it is thereby unable to aid you in your search for more power and greater quantities of sugar.”
“Sierra Mist of the present day may not have caffeine, it is true,” Eva said. “But the Sierra Mist of the future does!”
Valerie’s eyes widened with delight as she turned to Julie. “I am intrigued. Continue.”
“That’s about it,” Julie confessed. “I drank the Sierra Mist of the future and achieved my newest transformation, Eternal Sailor Moo!”
“Oh, really?” Bob said, a smirk on her face. “You look the same to me.”
Julie’s face fell. “You mean you didn’t notice that my skirt was shorter? Or that my bow is slightly longer and more fluffy?”
“Well, damn. I guess it really was the wings then.”
“You had wings?”
“For about five minutes while transforming. The wings were really nice, all feathery and soft. But once I was fully transformed, they turned into cardboard pieces of sh*t so I burned them.”
“What a shame.”
“I’m in love!” Niki exclaimed a couple of hours later as she flung Mallory’s door open and sailed into the living room, her hands clasped to her chest and a dreamy expression on her face. The door slammed shut behind her.
“So how is Timm anyway?” Lisa asked. “Still nonexistent?”
Niki cocked her head to the side and looked contemplative. “Who?”
“The guy who would be your boyfriend were you actually dating,” Vanessa reminded her. “Don’t you remember how you said just last week that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him?”
“Oh right,” Niki said. “I totally forgot. We decided to just be friends, and I’ve moved on. I know this may sound rather sudden, but when the man of your dreams passes you by on the street, you don’t keep walking, you make a fast u-turn, leap on top of him, knock him over, and successfully pin him down until he agrees to go out with you.”
“Funny . . .” Valerie mused thoughtfully. “That never worked for me.”
“So,” Mallory said casually, “when do we get to meet this mysterious man of your dreams?”
“Right now!” Niki cried as she once again flung open the door. In the doorway stood a tall, lanky guy with dark hair and an intense, almost frightening gaze. He stepped into the room, looking at each of the senshi in turn, his movements rather jerky and stiff. “Hello,” he said, strangely over pronouncing each syllable with a thick Scottish accent. “You may call me Simon (da da da).”
“Er . . . hi,” Eva replied brightly, always one to attempt politeness, even in awkward situations. “Simon, that’s a . . . nice name. Short for anything?”
Simon cocked his head to the side and jerked his gaze to Eva, his eyes wide and unblinking. “Yes, it is,” he said quietly. Too quietly.
“Oh, er, that’s nice,” Eva said, deciding not to further the conversation by asking what the name might be short for. There was something about this Simon guy that seemed a little off . . . In fact, everyone but Niki felt very ill at ease from the intensity of his stare and found that they could not look him in the eye without terrified shivers running up their spines.
“So, guys,” Niki said cheerfully. “What have you been up to? Sorry I’m late for the meeting.”
“Meeting?” Simon echoed, still unblinking and staring at the senshi.
“Yes,” Julie replied quickly. “The meeting of . . .” she paused, not sure what to use as an excuse when, without warning three of the other senshi cried out simultaneously:
“The Society of People Who Can’t Spell,” Mallory elaborated. “As you can tell, we can’t even get the acronym right.”
“Sounds more like the Society of Confused People,” Niki laughed. “Now come on, we all know that we were really meeting to discuss the current bad guy situation in Loserville.”
“Niki!” Special K admonished, looking pointedly at Simon. “Ixnay on the adbay uygay talk,” she warned in exaggerated pig Latin.
“What? Oh, no!” Niki said, laughing again. “It’s okay, you don’t need to worry about being secretive. I’ve already told Simon everything.”
“EVERYTHING?!” Julie screeched, her face red and her eyes bulging. “What is this EVERYTHING that you speak of?”
“Oh, you know, just the basics,” Niki said, ticking off her fingers one by one as she listed them. “That we’re all Sailor Senshi, sworn defenders of Earth. That we all have super powers, although most of them are rather pathetic and useless. And that Julie recently got a super power-up but could most likely still be quite easily defeated.”
The others stared at her, their mouths wide with shock.
“Let me at her!” Julie cried, leaping on to Niki and ripping at her hair, and unlike the earlier incident with Bob, everyone was too horrified to stop her.
Simon was the only one who moved at all. With one hand he lifted Julie clear from the ground and, disentangling her from Niki, tossed her half across the room where she landed in a heap on the bed.
At this impressive display of strength, all of the senshi but Niki ran to Julie’s side and helped the ruffled leader to her feet. When they looked at Simon again, it was with more than just unease. Now there was fear.
“Julie,” Bob whispered, for once deciding not to be difficult. “What should we do?”
“Do you think we could take him?” Lisa asked, trying to analyze the situation while preparing for the worst by pushing up her sleeves and clenching her fists. Yeah, like that would do any good.
“Guuuuyyysss,” Niki complained. “Why are you being so weird all of a sudden? Can’t you just be happy for me?”
“Are you blind or stupid or something?” Valerie cried, pointing to Simon. “He’s obviously evil!”
“Why? Because he’s just standing there, not doing anything?” Niki rolled her eyes.
“You know, she does have a point,” Mallory said. “He hasn’t really done anything to make us suspect that he’s evil other than displaying superhuman strength and scary, jerky body movements.”
“Hey!” Bob cried, snapping her fingers in realization. “Maybe he’s a robot!”
“Oh puh-lease,” Niki said, once again rolling her eyes. “That’s just about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, and I live in my house, so I’ve heard a lot of stupid things over the past few years . . . or days, for that matter.”
“Actually,” Simon said, in that same, quiet, unnerving way. “Your friends aren’t wrong, you know. I am a robot. And I am evil (da da da).”
Niki stepped away from Simon, surprise filling her face. “REALLY?! Since when? I can’t believe you never told me this! And I’ve known you a whole (pause to check clock on wall) three hours and twenty seven minutes!”
“I can’t believe you told him everything about us when you didn’t even know him for a whole day!” Bob cried. “What were you thinking?”
“We were in love!” Niki retorted. “Besides, it’s not like he just used me to get information on the Sailor Senshi as a part of the diabolical scheme of the Big Bad of Season Three!”
“Well . . . actually,” Simon began.
“Enough!” Niki silenced him. “I can’t believe that I fell in love, was abused, betrayed, and used for information all in the span of (once again checking clock) three and a half hours and twelve seconds!” She joined the senshi on the other side of the room.
“Quickly! Let us waste half a page transforming!” Julie cried, raising a brand new, sparkling brooch into the air. The others followed in quick succession with their own various instruments of transformation.
“MOO PRINCESS POWER, MAKEUP!”
“UNICO RHOMBI POWER, MAKEUP!”
“24601 RHOMBI POWER, MAKEUP!”
“PSYCHY RHOMBI POWER, MAKEUP!”
“UNKNOWN RHOMBI POWER, MAKEUP!”
“ECCO PENCIL POWER, MAKEUP!”
“CHOCOLATE PENCIL POWER, MAKEUP!”
“SPECIAL K PENCIL POWER, MAKEUP!”
“MEOW PENCIL POWER, MAKEUP!”
Once they were done spinning around in the air in nude leotards, the senshi gathered behind Julie, who, glad to once again be in the spotlight, put her hands on her hips and begin to speak. “It is wrong to trick girls, no matter how idiotic they may be, into falling in love with you when you are nothing more than a very bad robot. A very bad robot that I will now proceed to destroy with my –“
”Wait!” Niki cried, breaking free of the other senshi and running to Simon. She threw her arms out to the side to protect the robot from any attack. “You can’t kill him! It’s too soon! My love for him is still strong. And while this may sound rather ironic, my heart feels as though it has been ripped from my chest, although not literally, and not by my evil alter-ego. I need time to recover from my recently acquired emotional wounds.”
Julie sighed and crossed her arms impatiently. “How much time do you need?”
There was a pause. “Okay, I’m good now,” Niki said cheerfully, abandoning the robot Simon to once again join her friends.
“You did the right thing,” Mallory said, patting Niki on the shoulder.
“That’s nice,” Niki replied. “Now kill the bastard already!”
“With pleasure,” Julie responded, raising her arms in a random pose and continuing from where she left off. “A very bad robot that I will now proceed to destroy with my newfound super strength; a super strength unsurpassed by any power now known to man, woman, or child.” She raised a sparkling wand and twirled it around in the air while the others oohhed and ahhed in appreciation. “In the name of cows, I’ll punish you!”
Before the robot Simon could perform any sort of defensive action, Julie began her attack. “MOO THERAPY ILL–”
Julie stopped her attack mid-string-of-random-words. “He he,” she chuckled nervously. “That’s funny. Let me try it again.” She cleared her throat.
“Well, crap!” Julie cried, stamping her foot and jumping up and down in a mature display of frustration when she once again failed to yell out her super power which rendered her incapable of successfully attacking her opponent. “What the hell is wrong?”
“Sailor Moo!” Bob gasped in surprise, pointing to the other girl’s superhero costume. “Your skirt! It’s getting longer!”
“NO!” Julie screamed, horrified.
“It’s true!” Vanessa cried. “Your skirt has gained several inches and now almost completely covers you’re a$$. And your bow is significantly shorter and is looking rather un-fluffy around the edges.”
“NO!” Julie screamed again, even more horrified. “Do you know what this means?”
“You look less like a slut?” Valerie guessed. “But only slightly.”
Mallory rolled her eyes. “It means she detransformed. She is no longer strong enough for her Eternal transformation.”
“Of course!” Eva snapped her fingers. “It’s because she received the new transformation through the Sierra Mist power up. Without regular doses of the carbonated beverage, she is not strong enough to sustain a higher transformation, nor is she capable of using any power associated with the higher transformation.”
“And because the Sierra Mist of the future does not currently exist in present times, there’s no way she can power up again.” Special K shrugged. “Damn, this blows.”
“We have only one option,” Niki sighed resolutely. “I’ll have to use my demure and feminine flirtatious charms to seduce my former lover (who has been waiting rather patiently for us to attack him this entire time rather than attacking us while we are vulnerable and flying around half-naked in the air) into a confused, love-struck state, thereby securing you several more minutes with which to procrastinate rather than doing anything productive.”
“I know!” Mallory said excitedly. “Maybe if Valerie unleashes her rabid lemmings, with the intent of killing, say, Bob, then they will veer off course and destroy the robot instead!”
“Knowing my luck, they would just kill Bob,” Valerie said.
“Oh yeah . . . that does rely too much on chance. Bad luck can be a problem.”
“I didn’t say my luck was bad.”
“Or you know, I could kill him - meow!” Lisa suggested casually.
“I’m sorry . . . did you just meow?” Eva asked.
“Well, yes - meow,” Lisa confessed. “It’s this bad habit I have whenever I transform into Sailor Meow - meow. For some reason I have to end every sentence with “meow” - meow. Too much Digi Charat is my guess - meow.”
“So what makes you think that as a mere freshman YOU are capable of defeating the enemy when I, a mighty senior am incapable of doing so?” Julie asked haughtily, her words dripping with disdain.
“Well, she is the most powerful senshi,” Special K reminded Julie. “Although I admit it is a rather difficult fact to accept.”
Lisa beamed. “I appreciate your support, but now I better attack before the robot decides to do so, although isn’t it convenient that despite the pages of dialogue, he hasn’t bothered to attack yet - meow?” She turned to Bob and put a hand on her shoulder. “If anything should happen to me out there . . . remember me fondly, for there is not a moment that goes by that I do not think about the bond of love between us - meow. Farewell - meow.”
Bob gazed, openmouthed at Lisa as she turned and began the journey to face the enemy, all the way on the other side of the livingroom. “What was that about?” she asked the others once Lisa had retreated out of hearing, a stricken look on her face.
“I believe it was a testimony of undying devotion,” Julie said, a similar stricken look on her face. “I would find it rather endearing were it not for the fact that you are you and none of us can imagine why anyone would love you.”
“Someone’s in love with me??!!” Bob asked, her eyes wide with surprise, and her mind as dense as ever. The others merely rolled their eyes in synchronization.
“Okay, Simon (da da da), if that is your real name - meow,” Meow said as she stood, facing the evil robot. “Prepare to meet your doom - meow!” She tried to push up her sleeves again but as they were already rolled up, there was nothing more she could do but glare menacingly.
“I do not fear you, pathetic freshman,” the robot sneered. “For I am S.I.M.O.N! (DA DA DA!). And I will destroy YOU ALL!”
“Not if I can help it - meow!” Sailor Meow leaped up into the air and spun around a few times (similar to transforming except without the naked factor). As she spun faster, she began glowing blue until she was nothing but a bright blur from which a series of large pies flew towards S.I.M.O.N. “MEAT PIE ATTACK!”
In an attack reminiscent of the final battle against Professor Smeezer, the pies slammed against the robot, grew arms, and began to strangle him. Also reminiscent of the final battle against Professor Smeezer, Niki jumped forward, grabbed the pies, shoved them into her mouth, and with surprisingly few chews, swallowed them whole.
“Damn it, Niki!” Julie cried. “If you weren’t currently covered in disgusting pie goop, I would smack you!”
“I’m sorry!” Niki apologized looking rather ashamed. “It was some bizarre, uncontrollable instinct. I don’t even like pie!”
“Mwhahahahaha!” S.I.M.O.N. laughed maliciously. “You call that a power? Well, I say, give me the weapon of the enemy - let me use it against them!” Raising his arms in the air, he looked to the ceiling. “STATIC ELECTRIC SPARK EXPLOSION HAZARD – ATTACK!” Lightning shot from his eyes and flowed down to the few pies that had escaped Niki’s mouth. Before the senshi’s terrified eyes, the pies grew larger and larger. Arms and legs, as well as fangs dripping poison sprouted from the pies.
“RUN FOR IT!” Bob screamed, shoving everyone out of her way as she scrambled for the door. The other senshi, being slightly less pathetic - allow me to stress the slightly - stood their ground and attacked the monstrous meaty dishes simultaneously.
“MOO SPASTIC ELASTIC PLASTIC KISS!”
“STARLIGHT EINHORN MIRAGE!”
“RABID LEMMINGS MEDITATION!”
“MISTS OF TIME – UNRAVEL!”
Unfortunately, one after the other, the attacks (except for the rabid lemmings who swarmed violently over Bob as she attempted to climb out the window) while successfully destroying the poisonous pies, bounced harmlessly off of S.I.M.O.N who seemed to be protected by an incredibly powerful shield.
“What do we do?” Valerie asked Julie as the senshi continued to throw everything they could at S.I.M.O.N (which fortunately didn’t include Mallory’s CD collection), with no effect. “Our powers are draining, and we haven’t managed to touch him. In a few minutes, we’ll be helpless, completely vulnerable to even the slightest attack!”
“Sucks for us.”
“It’s okay, guys,” Niki said quietly, her voice filling with something that surprisingly resembled emotion. “You don’t need to worry. I know what needs to be done.”
Mallory looked confused as she watched Niki stand from her semi-protective hiding spot behind the couch. “Do you really think walruses waving flag poles or green jello will help in the current situation?” Mallory asked, worried about her friend who was about to walk into danger.
“No. But my new power might.”
“I’m sorry, my love,” Niki sighed as she stood before the evil robot who had been her lover for a very short while. S.I.M.O.N. stared back at her, nothing but contempt in his glowing eyes.
“Do you really think you can defeat me? Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.”
“Wanna make a bet?” Niki jumped into the air and hung, suspended in space for several seconds as a glaive materialized into her open hand. She spun the glaive around in the air and shouted, “DEAD SNAKE!”
The body of a large and frightening, but very dead, snake flew at S.I.M.O.N. As the snake flew through the air, it transformed, growing longer and longer until by the time it reached S.I.M.O.N, it wrapped the evil robot in its humongous coils.
The coils reached all the way to S.I.M.O.N.’s neck, rendering him helpless and unable to move. For a moment, everything seemed to stop as the robot gazed at Niki with wide eyes. If the situation had been different,” he said, his Scottish accent thick with unshed tears, “I think I might have really loved you . . .”
Before any more was said, the coils surrounded the robot entirely and tightened. With a sickening sound of machinery being crushed, the metal man was squeezed until all that remained was a very heavy block of metal the size of a rubix cube. Unable to lift it, Niki looked sadly down at the robot’s remains as the other senshi gathered around her in silence, unwilling to interrupt her private moment.
Finally, a very bruised and bloody Bob who hadn’t quite made it out the window due to rabid lemmings joined them. “So,” she said, “an effective power. Who knew?”