Hi everyone! It's me again! Sailor Moo! I can imagine just how much you must have missed me by now . . .^.^ Anyway, not much happened in the last season. Which was really, really long, in case you didn't notice. Wait a minute, what am I saying? A lot happened! Sailor Unico, Sailor 24601, Sailor Psychy, Sailor Unknown, and I were joined by several new senshi who helped us to defeat the big, bad evil residing in Nakodish. First Sailor Ecco, a rather odd girl with semi-psychic abilities, showed up. Not long after that, my daughter from the future transported through time in order to help us again. Only this time, she came as Sailor Mini Moo, a Sailor Senshi of the future Moo Kingdom. Sailor Chocolate (with an accent on the "te"), the ageless guardian of time, helped me to acquire the full power of the Holy Milk Pail which I used to defeat Niki's evil alter ego, Mistress 13. Finally, none other than our old enemy, Mountain Dew and Cashews, joined with us as Sailor Special K.
Whew! ^.^ The Sailor Senshi team practically doubled in less than a year (please, no more bunny analogies). It was a good thing though, since we needed all the help we could get. Even with superheroes from the 80s on our side, practically everyone (but me, of course) managed to get herself killed again. It was really quite sad in a very pathetic way. But somehow, as luck would have it, everyone was reincarnated again exactly the way she was. Except for Niki who seemed to have shrunk a bit and now has short, non-red hair. At any rate, we're back in action after yet another boring, uneventful summer, and we're ready to kick some serious bad guy a$$!
Now begins 'Pretty Soldier Sailor Moo N'. Please don't confuse this season with the title of a rather popular cartoon that is in no way related to this story at all. Except, you know, it kind of is. The 'N' stands for "Never Ending". As in, it will never end. EVER. Knowing the writer's tendency to increase the length of every episode as she writes, this season will be even LONGER than the last. If that's possible. >.< Well, it's time for you to sit back, relax, and enjoy another spastic tale of the Sailor Senshi and our attempts at saving the world yet again. If you're lucky, we won't even screw up while doing it this time! But, don't count on it. >.< From what I hear, there's a major battle going on for control of the universe, and it's just about time for the Sailor Senshi to get involved and defend Earth from the new big bad. Of course, you won't know for sure unless you read about it. Enjoy! ^.^
"Life is good," Valerie said as she sauntered down the hall, flanked on either side by Mallory and Niki. It was the first day of yet another school year, and the three girls were finally upperclassmen. As juniors, they were older (but not taller), and more advanced (but not necessarily more intelligent), than the incoming freshmen and returning sophomores. One more year, and it would be their turn to rule the school.
Mallory pulled a pair of sunglasses out of her school bag and slipped them on. "We're no longer ex-freshmen. Just knowing that I'll never have to suffer the humiliation of being an underclassman ever again makes me feel so very cool." Unfortunately, she chose that very moment to run into the side of a locker that the sunglasses had prevented her from seeing, there by making her comment about being cool clearly untrue. "Ow."
Ignoring Mallory's foolishness, Niki, (apparently in affirmation of her own lunacy), jumped up and down spastically, tripping over her own feet. She stood up, made sure her incredibly cute hair was still okay, and then started jumping spastically again. "We're ex-ex-freshmen now! And next year, assuming of course that we're still alive, we'll be ex-ex-ex-freshmen! I can't wait!"
Valerie rolled her eyes. Having witnessed the incredibly moronic behavior of her two friends, she briefly considered abandoning them to find better ones, but realizing that everyone else sucked, she sighed and was content to remain with them. "We should go find Special K since she's a senior, and have her beat up all of the people we don't like," Valerie suggested.
Mallory rubbed her forehead where a bruise was forming. "I don't know. Special K's not really the violent type. We'd need Julie for something like that. Especially if we're talking about verbally and/or physically abusing annoying freshmen."
"It's too bad she's still at Nakodish," Niki reminded them. "I can't think of why on earth she'd want to stay there, especially now that Caroline St. Ramen is out of the picture. I mean, if there's one place that sucks more than Loserville . . . no, wait, there is no place that sucks more than Loserville. Not Nakodish. Not Hell. Not even Ohio."
"What about Monroe?" Mallory asked.
"Close second," Niki replied.
"Hey guys!" The three girls heard someone yell from behind them.
Valerie's face paled. She ducked her head and picked up the pace. "Quick!" she whispered to the others. "If we hurry, maybe we can lose her." No such luck. Before they made it to the end of the hall where there was at least a chance of escaping, the unwanted, obnoxious blond caught up.
"Where are you hurrying to, fellow juniors?" Bob asked, squeezing in between Niki and Valerie. She grinned widely. "Isn't this so much fun? I love being an upperclassman! Just a minute ago, a freshman asked me where his first hour class was, and I told him 'it's around the corner, up the stairs, and then past the swimming pool.' Isn't that so funny?"
"Wait a minute," Valerie said, obviously confused. "We have a pool? Since when?"
"We have stairs?" Niki asked a moment later.
"We don't have either, morons." Bob rolled her eyes. "I was just playing with him. A little first day fun for the people who have never been to this school before. Duh."
"Even I knew that," Mallory said. "Really, where have you two been the last couple of years? One would think that by now you'd know the layout of the school."
"Hey!" Valerie said, clearly insulted. "I slept through French last year. And world history. And algebra. With all that sleeping, when was I supposed to find my way around?"
"And I was never actually at school," Niki commented. "I missed so many days because of the ulcer and random other illnesses, I don't think I made it to an entire week of school at all last year. I was far too sickly to go in search of the non-existent staircases."
"Hey!" Vanessa yelled from down the hall. She ran to catch up with them. "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What is it?" Niki asked.
"The good news is that over the summer, my psychic, fire-reading skills have improved dramatically. I made several predictions that, although they weren't entirely accurate, almost came true."
"Great! What's the bad news?"
"I still haven't been able to find out what happened to Sailor Chocolate. As far as I can tell, she's disappeared entirely from this dimension. Now, I have a theory about how to get in contact with her, but I'll need your help. Maybe sometime after school this week?"
"Sure," Valerie said. "We should all get together at Mallory's house and have kind of like a Sailor Team reunion party or something."
"Why my house?"
"Because Niki and I don't like our houses due to the fact our annoying families are almost always in them." Valerie grinned at Vanessa. "We could even invite Julie and Special K to the reunion party, even though they're seniors and don't enjoy associating with ex-ex-freshmen. Bring refreshments."
"Okay," Vanessa said as she turned to go. "I've got to go to class now. See you!"
"So do I," Bob said, following the retreating girl. She turned back to the others. "You aren't going to forget to invite me to your reunion party are you?"
"Don't be silly!" Valerie laughed. "Of course we'll forget to invite you to the party!" Bob scratched her head thoughtfully as she went away.
"You do realize that you told her we are not inviting her to the party, right?" Niki asked. "It wasn't a very nice thing to do."
"Yep. And I managed to confuse her in the process. It was fun."
Mallory rolled her eyes. "I'm glad to see everything's back to normal."
"For the last time, get the hell away from me!" Julie yelled in annoyance, attempting to shrug off the big, hairy, Itallian guy who was clinging to her leg. She had been trying to get rid of him for a while now but nothing seemed to be working. If there was anything she could attribute to the large guy, it was the fact that he was persistent-ly annoying.
"But my love! My life! My soul, fair Julie!"
"Oh, excellent!" Julie's frown warped into an expression of disgust as the big, hairy, Itallian guy proceeded to adorn the tops of her tennis shoes with wet, sloppy kisses. "Now, that's just gross. Gerg, stop it!"
Gerg stopped kissing her shoes and looked up at her. He didn't have far to look, because even when he was groveling on his knees, he was still practically as tall as she was. "My love, will you ever forgive me?"
"Let me think for a minute. Um, no."
"But my beauteous --"
"Can the crap, okay?" Julie sighed with frustration. "Why do all guys think that if they recite a few lines of Shakespeare, everything will be peachy keen again? It's not that easy, you know. I mean, after all, I am kind of pissed."
"When is this whole pathetic groveling thing going to end? I mean, at first it wasn't so bad, but now I'm just annoyed."
"It will end only when you forgive me, my love," Gerg replied, standing up. He towered over Julie. "It will end when you allow me to sweep you off your feet and carry you into the sunset."
"Oh, gee, how romantic," she said sarcastically. "How about you come back in like ten hours, okay? I kind of have to get to school now." Julie turned quickly on her heels and walked away.
When she turned a corner out of sight of the big, hairy Itallian guy, she stamped her foot in annoyance. "That stupid Gerg-like man!" she fumed loudly. "Just who does he think he is? If he wants my forgiveness, he'll have to try a lot harder."
Julie began the long trudge from her dorm room to her first class, still muttering under her breath. "I mean, the least I expect is dozens of roses and mounds of chocolate. Is that too much to ask for? Even if I told him that's what I wanted, he still wouldn't buy me any. Guys like him never bother actually listening to what their girlfriends want. Gerg sucks." She sighed. "I so need a new man."
Meanwhile, somewhere far away on the other side of the galaxy (which, by the way, is really, really far away), a woman ran as fast as she could down a long, dark corridor from the evil minions that pursued her. Her long blonde hair streamed behind her as she ran. She had been running for what seemed like ages and she was beginning to tire. And they were gaining on her.
HELP ME! She screamed silently. HEAR MY CRIES, AND HELP ME! With a last burst of adrenaline, she picked up speed as she flew down the narrow passageway. The passageway couldn't go on forever, and once it ended, she'd be able to escape. Because once it ended there would be --
Damn it! There couldn't be a freaking doorway, huh? The blonde pounded furiously on the wall that blocked her escape. You bastard! Let me out! There was no response. In desperation she turned back the way she came, searching for some doorway or window or fire escape, but it was in vain. There was nothing between herself and her pursuers.
She cowered against the wall, silently commanding it to give way, but it refused. Slowly, her stalkers advanced. Their beady, little eyes glimmered in the darkness. Thousands of antennae waved eagerly in the air. Countless claws snapped together menacingly. This was the end.
The blonde gasped as her throat closed up. Whether it was out of fear or allergies, she didn't know. My life sucks, she thought to herself as she struggled to breathe. SAVE ME, DAMNIT! She yelled one last time. Surely they would hear her. They would hear her, and they would come for her. She hoped.
She closed her eyes and said a silent prayer. When she opened them again, the devilish creatures were still there, still advancing on her. God, I HATE shrimp!
Me sat up suddenly in his bed, his eyes wide and his heart pounding rapidly. It was three o'clock in the morning and he had just awoken from a dream about a beautiful woman who was calling out to him. It was his princess.
Me leapt out of bed and rushed across the hall to where two of his roommates were still sleeping soundly. He pushed the curtain open and flipped the light switch. A bright glare immediately filled the room.
"You! I!" Me yelled, hitting both of the sleeping men over their heads with a pillow. "Wake up! I heard HER!"
I groaned and pulled the sheet over his head to protect it from further abuse. "I heard who? What are you talking about?" he mumbled, still half asleep.
You sat up with a jolt, completely alert, his eyes shining. "You saw her? Where is she? Has she returned at last?"
Me shook his head. "She's not here. She was in my dreams."
I pulled the sheet down from over his head and shot Me an accusing look. "You pervert!"
Me only rolled his eyes and pointed out the fact that I and You were sleeping half naked together in the same bed. "You are so not one to talk."
You sighed. "Let's not start that again. I and I understand that the current situation makes you feel a little . . . uncomfortable, and that's why we put you all the way across the hall."
"But your room has no door," Me reminded them.
I nodded thoughtfully. "That is true. We'll figure out something." He paused. "Have you told the others yet?"
"Told us what?" a voice asked from the doorway. There, two figures stood, one a rather short curly-haired boy with pointed ears and the other a petite girl with braided, brown hair.
"Is Timm with you?"
The pointy eared boy glanced behind him to the empty hall. "Yes, he's here."
"What's this all about?" the girl asked, flipping a braid over her shoulder and yawning impatiently. "It better be something important. I was in the middle of my beauty sleep."
I smiled sweetly at her. "Oh, honey, don't worry. You know that you're the most beautiful woman in this room, with or without sleep."
"I'm the only woman in this room."
Me smirked and looked at I and You. "That depends on your definition of a woman."
You rushed to the girl's side and took her hand, bringing her to the edge of his bed. I glared at him jealously. "Guess what, Key," You said happily, ignoring I. "We have some news about the princess."
Key looked at him hopefully. "Have you found her, then? Have you found my sister?"
Me frowned. "Not exactly. I dreamed about her."
Key shot I a look. "You pervert."
"I meant that I dreamed about her," Me corrected. "Not I."
"Oh." Key shot Me a look similar to the one she had given I. "Well, make yourself more clear next time. Pervert," she added.
Me sighed. "Oh, stop it with the snide comments. She was fully clothed, okay? She was running from something and calling out to me for help."
"For help?" Key looked stricken. "You don't think she's in trouble, do you? What if her meeting with the Republic didn't go well? What if assassins were sent to kill her in her sleep?"
"I don't think that you should take Me's dream seriously," the pointy eared boy said.
"And why's that, Elfyn?"
"Because if anyone were to hear her call, it would be me. Me, me, not Me, me."
"Why's that?" Me looked confused.
"Because I have superior hearing abilities."
"No, you don't."
Elfyn looked crushed. "I don't?"
"But, I have pointed ears!" he protested.
"Elfyn, shut up," You commanded. "Me, you said she was running? From what? Was she being pursued?"
"I'm not sure. I sensed that she was afraid of . . . something. But, I'm not sure what."
"It could only be one thing," I said. "Crustaceans." (Dum dum dum)
Key gasped and covered her mouth in horror. "Not crustaceans!" (Dum dum dum)
I paced the room slowly. "But which kind? We must know what we're up against. Crab? Lobster?"
"I'm personally leaning towards shrimp," Me said.
"Those bastards!" You yelled angrily. "What should we do? We must find her, wherever she is. Somehow, we must reach her, even if is only with our minds. If she hears our message, then she can find us, or we may find her."
"I've got it!" Elfyn snapped his fingers. "Mass communication!"
Several thousand miles from where the Sailor Senshi were just beginning a new school year, (one they hoped would be free from any major battles with evil over the control of the universe), a doughnut-shaped spaceship traveled rapidly through space, headed towards Earth. Little did the ship's inhabitants realize that the tiny, insignificant planet they planned on conquering within a few short days was in fact the very same planet that the infamous Sailor Senshi guarded with the powers gifted to them by the ancient Moo Kingdom.
The spaceship's inhabitants, as wickedly evil as they may have been, were not looking to start a galaxy-wide war of good versus evil (which, of course, would eventually and inevitably be initiated regardless of what they did or did not want), all they were looking for was a princess.
Somewhere deep within the hub of the space craft, inside a tiny, dark room, half a dozen girls in sailor outfits (not unlike the Sailor Senshi of Earth's superhero getup), sat around a large, circular table waiting for instruction from their high and mighty ruler. They had been called together from all corners of the galaxy to find the missing princess before her own guardians could.
So far, things had not been going quite so well.
One of the girls stared angrily at the others, her arms folded across her chest and her grey eyes flashing. She was known as Sailor Pink, and she was furious. Sailor Pink valued her namesake, but from the moment she stepped into this room with the others, she realized that she wasn't nearly as unique as she thought she was. Pink had been convinced that she was the only senshi with pink hair in the universe, but she was wrong.
Sailor Boris, one of the two senshi that were the focus of Pink's wrath, noticed her intense, angry gaze and was more than a little intimidated. It wasn't Sailor Pink's size that daunted her, on the contrary, she was at least a foot shorter than Boris (then again, most normal-sized people were). It was the pure ferocity of Pink's stare that made her heart want to skip a beat. Boris wasn't use d to being scared, but she knew without a doubt, at all costs, she would try her best to stay out of Pink's way.
The other pink-haired target was completely unfazed by Sailor Pink's dagger-like stare. She didn't even notice that Pink was looking her way. But in her current sugar-induced state that resulted from eating about five hundred too many Skittles that morning, it was likely to assume that she was completely incoherent and wasn't noticing much of anything. Sailor PerkyFluffyBunny jumped up out of her seat at the table and began running around the room clucking like a chicken for no apparent reason. The others just stared.
Sailor Pink rolled her eyes and shot PerkyFluffyBunny another icy stare. She had already made up her mind to despise everyone with hair that even resembled the color pink, and PerkyFluffyBunny's behavior was making it all the easier. A moment later Sailor Pink was blushing, humiliated by the pink-haired girl's insane antics which she believed only served to give every person lucky enough to be born pink a bad name.
The minute Sailor Pink made up her mind to chase after the annoying pink-haired girl and force her back in her seat (even if it required restraints), yet another girl with pink hair entered the room and joined PerkyFluffyBunny in her crazed dash. Pink leaped up from her seat. "STOP!" she yelled loudly, her voice echoing through the room, causing the two girls to freeze in their tracks. "Who the hell are you guys and why are you running around like chickens?!"
The new girl laughed and jumped to Pink's side, oblivious to her seething hatred. "Hi! My name's Sailor Tange. I wasn't running around like a chicken. I was running around like a rabid sea monkey," she explained, a giant, stupid smile on her face.
"Oh, well that's completely different," Pink said sarcastically.
"It really is!" Tange agreed, nodding emphatically. "Chickens kinda do that thing with their wings when they run around, but sea monkeys don't have wings so they kinda do more of a swimming motion. Like this." She demonstrated the spastic movement. Sailor Pink put her hands to her head and groaned in agony.
"Are you alright?" a girl with long, reddish brown hair and glasses asked, approaching Sailor Pink from behind. "I hear that the mystery meat they served in the ship's kitchen wasn't actually cooked . . . or meat. Maybe you should sit down."
Sailor Pink allowed herself to be led back to her chair. The other girl seemed nice enough, and at least she didn't have pink hair. "Thanks."
"My name's Sailor Light," the girl said. "I'm from a tiny planet about fifty thousand light years from here. I'm really excited about this mission. Prior to two weeks ago when I first got on the spaceship, I had never been out of the solar system . . .much less my house. So, what do you do for fun? I like books." She said all of this very fast.
"I like forks," someone said quietly. "And knives." Pink and Light turned to see a girl in the corner they had failed to notice before. "I chase people. With forks. And knives. Guys mostly. It's fun. You should try it some day." She pulled out a rather large and incredibly sharp kitchen knife and held it out in front of her. Sailor Light and Sailor Pink both took a step away from the strange girl.
The girl with the knife moved towards Pink. She stopped, smiled, and put the knife down. "My name's Valerie, but it looks like here we're calling each other by our super secret Sailor Senshi names. In that case, I'm Sailor ChibiS." She held out her empty hand but no one was particularly eager to get any closer to the knife.
A girl with long, lime green hair was the only one brave enough to approach Sailor ChibiS, and she shook her hand. "My name's Sailor Cranberry. If you and the others want to join me back at the table, I have a feeling our mysteriously evil super villain-like benefactor (whoever that is) will be contacting us soon on the voice communicator built into the wall." The others followed her to the table. The second they were all seated, the voice communicator buzzed to life.
"GOOD MORNING, SENSHI," a voice greeted them.
"Good morning, Charlie," the senshi replied.
"I TRUST THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DEBRIEFED AS TO THE PURPOSE OF OUR MISSION."
The senshi nodded in synchronization (even though it was pretty pointless). Sailor Cranberry spoke up. "I think we've all been informed that there's a certain princess we must seek out and destroy."
"IT'S NOT JUST ANY PRINCESS YOU'RE AFTER. THIS PARTICULAR PRINCESS IS CENTRAL TO THE REPUBLIC'S ATTEMPTS TO FORM AN EMPIRE. WE CAN NOT HAVE HER INTERFERING WITH THE EMPEROR'S PLANS. CONSTRUCTION OF THE DEATH STAR IS ALMOST COMPLETE."
Sailor ChibiS held up her long and incredibly sharp kitchen knife and grinned evilly. "Don't worry. I think we can handle it."
"YOU MUST NOT FAIL. OVER AND OUT."
Shortly after school, Valerie and Niki met up and walked the ten miles to Mallory's house (they still didn't have cars). When they got there, they were shocked (and annoyed) at finding the door locked and the house completely dark.
"The door's locked . . ." Valerie pondered out loud. "How odd."
"And the entire house is completely dark," Niki added. "Could they be . . . away?"
"There's only one way to find out. Quickly! To the kitchen window that is never locked!" Valerie raced around the side of the house. A moment later, Niki followed her.
Niki arrived just in time to see Valerie throwing a large potted plant through the window. The glass shattered.
"Moron!" Niki yelled. "What are you doing?"
Valerie knocked the remaining shards of glass to the ground and started to crawl through the window. "The never-ever-on-any-occasion-locked kitchen window, was in fact, locked on this particular occasion."
Niki opened a window next to the one Valerie had destroyed and pointed to it. "This was the never-ever-on-any-occasion-locked kitchen window. Not the one you threw the plant through."
Valerie shrugged. "My mistake."
Inside, the house was even darker than it seemed to be from outside. "Hello?" Niki called out, her voice echoing through the empty house. "Mal? Where are you?"
There was no reply.
"Your party sucks!" Niki yelled, annoyed because apparently Mallory's party was so awful that even Mallory didn't bother showing up to it.
Valerie held up a hand for silence. "Did you hear that?"
"All I hear is the sound of a sucky party!" Niki yelled again.
Valerie ignored her. "It's coming from outside. Let's see what's going on. Hurry!" She grabbed Niki's arm and pulled her through the never-ever-on-any-occasion-locked kitchen window.
When she was completely through the window, Niki turned back to the empty house and yelled one last time. "Thanks for nothing!"
The cause of the sounds Valerie heard turned out to be a large crowd gathering around a make-shift stage on the street right outside Mallory's house. The crowd was composed mostly of obnoxious (and whorish) junior highers which reminded Valerie and Niki of the annoying people who frequented the movie theater on Friday and Saturday nights.
"Val! Niki!" They turned to see Mallory, Bob, Vanessa, and Special K waving to them from the other side of the street. As Niki and Valerie tried to cross the street, a huge wave of screaming teenagers swept past them, knocking them off their feet in a mad rush towards the stage.
"What's going on?" a confused Valerie asked once she had safely managed to make it to the others. Niki wasn't so lucky. A particularly obnoxious group of twelve year olds ran into her, pushing her to the ground and then proceeding to step on top of her as though she didn't exist (or at least, wasn't important) as they continued their mad rush.
"Didn't you hear?" A flushed Vanessa asked. "Nutzi Tunz is in town!"
"Nutsy toons?" Valerie repeated. "I thought that was some weird catch phrase Mallory's mom invented while we were watching a badly made Disney movie."
"What?" Mallory asked, a confused look on her face. "No! That's completely different! This Nutzi Tunz is a band."
A badly bruised and bleeding Niki reached them just in time to catch what Mallory said. However, she caught it wrong. "Nazis formed a band? When was this and where was I?"
"Nutzi, not Nazi," Mallory corrected. "Please tell me you've at least heard of them!"
"Heard of who?" Niki asked, completely lost.
"Nutzi Tunz!" Bob exclaimed, butting into the conversation. "Only the greatest band of all time!"
"They were an overnight sensation," Special K explained. "Literally, overnight. Didn't you get the memo? They're so big that Julie is transporting in from Nakodish just to get a glimpse of them. Or maybe a piece of clothing, I'm not sure which."
"What kind of band are they? I can't believe I've never heard of them," Valerie mused. Over dramatically, she yelled, "Damn you, Entertainment Weekly. You have failed me and left me uninformed!"
"They're a boy band," Vanessa said. "Only not really. Because you know, they write their own music and play their own instruments, and they actually have talent."
"So how are they a boy band?" Niki asked, now even more confused than Mallory is on a daily basis.
"Because they're hot," Bob said. "Duh."
"Cary Elwes hot or Andre the Giant hot?"
"I would say that, between the alleged five male members of the band, though I've only actually seen four, there's a mix of Carey's looks, Orlando's accent, Ewan's charms, Elijah's sensitivity, Tobey's cuteness, Hugh's manners, and Heath's sincerity. Did I mention that they all wear sexy man shirts? White and black."
"Oh my God!" Valerie cried out. "My recipe for the perfect man! At last! My dreams have been fulfilled! I know I haven't gotten a chance to see them yet and that I've only known about them for five minutes, but I think I'm in love."
"With which one?" Special K asked.
"ANY of them."
"I want to see! I want to see!" Niki said, jumping up and down, trying to catch a glimpse of what could only be a band of incredibly attractive guys.
"Well, that's the problem," Mallory said. "It's so crowded that we can't get any closer. I sent a couple of ex-freshmen into the throng to check things out. They should be returning any moment now." Sure enough, a moment later a girl ran up to Mallory and the others to report what she'd seen.
"Rebecca," Mallory said, "what's the status?"
"The news is that Nutzi Tunz is not a boy band as we originally suspected," the blonde answered.
"If they're not a boy band," Vanessa said. "Then, what are they?"
"Confused," Rebecca replied. "Apparently there's some girl in the band that plays the keyboard. A brunette named Key Key."
"Like 'Kiki's Delivery Service'?" Valerie asked.
"No, more like Monica Monica."
"That's so strange," Bob said.
"Yeah," Niki agreed. "Who would name their kid 'key'? I mean, a name like Hester is one thing, but Key is just . . .odd."
Special K shot Niki a strange look. "I think the strange part about the name Key Key is that it's a first and a last name."
"It is?" Niki looked bewildered. "I totally missed that part."
"Guys guys!" a spastic ex-freshman named Lalita with short dark hair yelled as she ran from the crowd to where they stood. "I have THE best news in the whole ENTIRE world!"
"What?" everyone yelled in unison.
"The members of Nutzi Tunz are going to be going to our school!!!!"
Lalita jumped up and down. "It's true! It's true! They're going to be juniors! Just like you! That rhymed! Ha ha!"
Mallory's mouth opened in amazement and just stayed that way. "Are you sure?"
"Why would they want to go to our school?" Niki wondered out loud. "I can think of about a bazillion better places to go to school within a five mile radius of Country Club High. Including the gas station and/or MacDonald's."
Vanessa smiled, a dreamy expression on her face. "I can't believe they'll be near us for an entire year! It's so exciting!"
"What about Malcolm?" Bob asked.
"Well, he is only a cat. So, technically, if I hooked up with one of them, it wouldn't be cheating."
Valerie shook her head in amazement. "Whether or not Nutzi Tunz goes to our school, I can tell that this year will be anything but normal!"
I frowned as he pulled off his torn band jacket and pants and threw them in the trash. He had no idea teenage girls could be so vicious! Of course, it wasn't like he wasn't enjoying all the attention, he was just worried that he wouldn't survive another impromptu concert fully intact.
"I knew this was a great idea!" Elfyn said cheerfully as he threw his own shredded costume in the trash can right on top of I's. "We're already a nationwide hit and we've only been on Earth for two days!"
"Then again, with a name like Nutzi Tunz and chart topping songs like "Bubblegum Baby" and "Tic Tac Toe," not to mention a hit CD, "The Hand That Draws The Hand", who could resist us? Besides," Key Key added, "I am a great manager slash keyboard player. Don't you agree, Timm?" There was no reply. "See, Timm thinks so too."
You shrugged. "I guess it was a good plan, but I still like my idea about being a crossdressing band and making everyone think we're women when we're actually just men pretending to be women."
Me rolled his eyes. "You would. What I'm worried about is whether or not we'll be able to find our princess. We're obviously reaching millions over the airwaves and MTV, but is she one of them?"
"That's a good point," I agreed. "Is it really such a wise decision making a town like Loserville our home when we could easily make it even bigger somewhere like New York City or Los Angeles?"
"There are two reasons why I chose Loserville and, more specifically, Country Club High as our base of operations. First of all, discretion. We want to be big, but not that big. If we draw unwanted attention then we may endanger ourselves, not to mention our princess even more than she is currently endangered which is pretty bad. Secondly, using my superior sixth sense, I've discovered that this particular location has a high frequency of cosmic quantities."
"Meaning . . .?"
"Simply that for some unknown reason, Loserville emits some sort of otherworldly radio waves which draw abnormal and supernatural things to it."
"Which would account for ninety percent of the population," Elfyn said. "The abnormal part."
Key Key continued. "The radio waves work in two ways. They can draw the supernatural to us, and they can also transmit our own otherworldly signal farther than anywhere else on this earth. With the exception of Ohio. But Ohio sucks even more than this place does. In other words, the Princess should be able to hear our call from here."
"Well, it's all starting to make sense," Me said. "Except for the school part. Why are you making us go there? We've been alive for two thousand standard Earth years. Isn't that a little old for high school?"
"It's a publicity stunt," Key Key explained. "Besides, you guys don't look a day over seventeen."
"I think we're ready to summon her," Vanessa said. It was several hours after Nutzi Tunz had returned to wherever they were staying and the crowd had dissipated. The senshi had traveled into the woods behind Mallory's house just after dusk in order to perform the ritual required to bring Sailor Chocolate back from banishment.
"What do we need to do?" Mallory asked.
"Well, this is all just speculation of course, but I believe that if we imitate the exact opposite of the greatest taboo that Eva broke, then it will in fact, undo the undoing, and she'll be returned to us. Possibly. Again, it's all just speculation."
Bob's eyes widened. "You don't mean the taboo where she danced around naked on a hilltop under the fourth full moon of the new year, holding a dying, featherless chicken in one hand and rubbing the tummy of a green wax Buddha statue with the other, while hopping on one foot and reciting the Australian legend of The Lonely Platypus backwards and in Spanish?"
Vanessa frowned. "Why yes, but how did you know?"
"We were there when she told us about the ultimate taboo," Special K said.
"Wait a second," Valerie said, a worried expression on her face. "You said we need to do it backwards, right? So that means, fully clothed and holding a live chicken?"
"I suppose," Vanessa said. "We need to walk fully clothed on flat ground under the new moon holding live chickens while rubbing the feet of red wax Buddha statues and hopping on both feet while reciting the Australian legend of the Lonely Platypus in French.
Niki smiled. "You know, it's so crazy it just might work!"
As the senshi began the frenzied ritual to save their friend from banishment, they didn't notice the bright pair of eyes staring at them from behind a nearby bush. Nor did they notice the glowing doughnut-shaped spaceship as it descended to the ground half a mile away on the other side of a clump of trees.