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Episode 14: "A Kidnapping Plot! The Coming of the Talismans"

***Okay, well, this episode took me a really long time to write, and more than likely it will confuse you. That's to be expected. The episode is written to be a parody (within a parody) of the Broadway musical, "Into The Woods." There are a lot of the really random things in this episode (like the talismans) and some of the dialogue rhymes (it's a musical). Anyway, I hope you enjoy this strange episode. Episode 15 will be written in typical style, so you won't have to suffer through more than one musical episode. ^^

PS: The dialogue in all caps is the narrator speaking. The lines are said in between, but are not a part of the senshi's conversation.***


"Wait a second!" Valerie said.


"What woods?"


"Those woods over there!" The Fairy pointed to where the endless mist had parted, revealing a wooded area.


"You mean, the one with trees?" Mallory asked.


Yes, Chocolate's voice confirmed. THOSE woods.


Now, go! The guardian commanded. Your time is running short.

"Go where?" Vanessa asked.

"Into the woods!" The Fairy yelled. "It's time to go!"

"We hate to leave--"

"You have to, though," the Fairy cried.

"Well!" Valerie exclaimed. "A bit pushy, aren't we?"

You don't understand! Chocolate said. If you don't find the talismans, than the curse will never be reversed!"

"Curse?" Special K repeated.

"What curse?" Bob asked.

"In the past, when the Princess of the Moo Kingdom was only a child, she developed an unusual appetite," the Fairy explained.

"Did she really?"

"Yes," the Fairy said. "She told her mother that what she wanted more than anything in the world was-- Beans! Beans! And nothing but beans!"

"Beans?!!" The senshi cried. "Why beans?"

"The special beans!"

"Wait, I'm confused," Mallory admitted, scratching her head.

"Does this story have a point?" Bob wanted to know.

"I'm getting there. The Moo Princess was so desperate to have them that she sold her mother's cow for five beans."

Mallory sighed. "Her mother's cow? Now I'm really confused."

The Fairy continued. "Only the Princess didn't realize that the cow was needed to call upon the power of the Holy Milk Pail. When the Old Moo Kingdom was attacked by the great evil, Pharaoh 130, there was nothing that could protect the Moo People, and they were destroyed."

"How unfortunate," Special K said sadly.

"Oh, good! More deaths!" Valerie grinned.

"By the time the Moo Kingdom rebuilt and re-established itself as the ruling power in Nakodish, the original talismans had been lost to the Moo People. And so, they were cursed by their misfortune. They would never again be able to use the Holy Milk Pail."

"Aw, what a pity," Bob said sarcastically. "But what does this have to do with us?"

The Sleeping Messiah is coming. The Messiah will try once again to awaken Pharaoh 130. The only way to stop the awakening is to call upon the power of the Holy Milk Pail!

"Right, disembodied voice. You keep mentioning that."

"Julie's Sailor Moo," Vanessa pointed out. "Shouldn't she be the one who has to find the Milk Pail?"

The legend says that the Milk Pail must be found by the Princess's guardians so that the Princess can use it to save the world.

"Guardians?" Valerie echoed. "Why don't you just say it as it is. We're slaves. Of course, as mere ex-freshmen, what else could we expect?"

Now, go! Chocolate commanded again. These woods will lead you back to Loserville and your fallen comrade.

"Fallen comrade?" Mallory questioned.

"She means Niki."

"Oh, right." Together, Mallory, Vanessa, Valerie, Bob, and Special K trudged to the edge of the misty woods.

Taking simultaneous deep breaths, the senshi stepped forward into the woods.

"Into the woods," Mallory sang.

"And back to hell," Valerie added.

"The path is straight."

"We know it well."

"Into the woods," Vanessa joined in.

"And who can tell--"

"What's waiting on the journey?" Special K finished.

"Into the woods to bring some bread"

"To Niki who is sick in bed." Bob rolled her eyes.

"Never can tell what lies ahead," Mallory said thoughtfully.

"For all we know, she's already dead!" Valerie cried.

Niki grinned happily as she skipped through the colorful dream world. "I love to sleep! No more pain! My ulcer has gone!" When she reached the Walrus's hut in the icy wonderland, she went inside. The Great Walrus was waiting for her.

"Hello, little girl."

"Hi." Niki squinted at the Walrus. "I never noticed this before, but Mr. Walrus, you have nice legs."

"I don't have legs."

"Right. I knew that."

"The time has come," the Walrus said gravely. "It is time for your true self to be revealed."

"Okay, you lost me back at the 'time has come' part. Speak a little more slowly please."

The Walrus sighed. "What did I clearly say?"

"I should have listened. "

"I asked you to remember. Why could you not obey? Niki should listen."

Niki shrugged. "Sorry about that."

"Don't you know what's out there in the world? Someone has to shield you from yourself."

"Myself? Oh, right!" Niki slapped her forehead. "I'm the one who's evil. For some odd reason, I keep forgetting that part."

"You must remember! You must find the talismans before the Sleeping Messiah awakens inside you!"

"How do I do that?"

"Wake up! Stop dreaming! Start prancing about the woods."

"What is it about the woods?"

"Your friends will be waiting for you there," the Walrus explained.

Niki frowned. "But I don't want to go back to Loserville! I want to stay where it's happy and pretty and there are no ulcers."

"I'm afraid that's not possible. If you do not stop your evil half from awakening, then I fear this may the last time we meet."

Niki sniffed, with tears in her eyes. "I guess this is goodbye, old pal. You've been a perfect friend. I hate to see us part, old pal."

The Walrus smiled as he faded away. "Someday you'll dream me back again."

"I hope that when I do, we'll go on a date!"

Niki awoke from her dream to find herself once again at home. "Damn. How come there's never a happy ending?"

I asked you to remember.

"Oh . . ." Niki said. "A mysterious voice in my head. How very cool."

You must remember.

"Remember what? Mr. Walrus? Is that you?"

Start prancing about the woods.

"Now why on earth would I want to do something as strenuous as that?"

Your friends will be waiting for you there.

Niki winced as she climbed painfully out of bed. "Fine. I'll go into the woods. I just want you to know that I'm only doing this because you're a walrus and I'm obsessed with you. I hope you're happy."

There was no reply. And so, Niki began to sing.

"Into the woods, I must confess

It's for the walrus, 'cause I'm obsessed.

Into the woods, who knows what may

Be lurking on the journey?

Into the woods and back to life,

Where the ulcer pain stabs like a knife.

Into the woods to find my friends!"

Julie was silent as she, Jeff, and her daughter from the future crouched behind a large rock. The secret entrance Alexia had found into the B*tches' lair led them to the large hallway right outside the great Caroline St. Ramen's evil laboratory. Several hours ago , two B*tches had gone into the room.

They never came out.

Wouldn't it be nice if they just stayed in there? Julie thought. Then I could go back to my room where Gerg will be waiting for me. Well, where he said he'd be waiting for me. If he even shows up . . .

Julie's thoughts were interrupted when, finally, the door to the evil laboratory opened and two figures walked out. "Evil fiends," she muttered under her breath.

"No one would be stupid enough to follow this creature!" B*tch #2 said. "Are we going to kidnap this girl through a cat?"

"If you know who you want, then you go and you lure her, and you trap her!" B*tch #3 insisted.

"Um . . ."

"Do we want that pail or not?" Bitch #2 shrugged. "And you find, and you steal, and you kill and you haggle or you don't live to regret it!"

"Oh . . . um . . ."

Sighing, B*tch #3 continued. "There are only wrongs, no in betweens. We can't wait till Sailor Moo intervenes!"

"And maybe she's really stupid."

"Who knows? Why we kill who we kill, that's the point, all the rest doesn't matter."

"What if she starts crying?"

"If the thing you try to take has evil intent, does it matter?"


"NO. What matters is that we keep our lives. What's important is the B*tches 5!"

"Er . . . 4."

"Only one more trap and we'll have our money. When the girl is dead, it will be quite funny."

"If the pail is found . . ."

"It justifies -- THE CAT!"

The four superheroes from the 80s once again gathered in the filthy portable to hold their final meeting before the war began. Through the information they had gathered by way of various sources and spies, they came to one drastic conclusion.

Niki Reneir, a student they all knew . . . and found rather difficult to love, was the reincarnation of the great evil they had once tried to destroy. And so, she must die.

However, being superheroes who prided themselves on upholding their non-violent problem solving techniques, they felt that maybe killing Niki wouldn't be the right thing to do, even in a situation as dire as this one.

So, they tried to convince themselves otherwise.

"She disappoints," the really old man pointed out. "She fails her tests. She's here, but she's not . . ."

"All her reports are turned in late," the extremely old man agreed. "Forgive? No, we will not."

"No more blue slips. No sleeping fits," the woman said. "No missed homeworks she can't explain, with no one left to blame."

The bowlegged man jumped up. "Killing the girl, we'll do it!"

"Why sit around resigned?"

"We'll have to take care," the extremely old man declared. "Unless we are quick, she'll only be absent or sick."

"No more messiahs waging war."

"Can't we just pursue our lives with our children and our wives?" asked the bowlegged man.

The woman sighed. "Till the end of the world, how do you ignore Pharaoh 130?"

"You can't just lock your door," the extremely old man said wisely.

"Wondering what even worse is still in store . . ."

"No more . . ."


"Now, where do we find these, um, tall men?" Valerie asked.

"That's talisman," Mallory corrected.

"Oh, right."


"Now, what were we to return with?"

"You don't remember?"

Special K thought for a moment. "Let's see. The cow as white as milk."

"The cape as red as blood," Bob said.

"The hair as yellow as corn," Vanessa added. "The slipper--"

"The slipper as pure as gold," Mallory recited. "The cow, the cape, the slipper as pure as gold--"

"The hair!" Valerie screamed.

"Right. The hair as yellow as--"

"NO!" Shaking her head, she pointed to Bob. "THE hair!"

Mallory's eyes widened. "You're right! It's yellow!"

Valerie ran up to Bob, grabbed hold of the end of her braid, and pulled. "As yellow as corn!"

"Hey!" Bob yelled, twisting out of her grip. "My hair is not yellow, damn it! It's blonde."

"You are such a moron!" Valerie screamed.

"Well, at least I didn't think we were looking for tall men!" Bob shot back.

"Well, at least I know my colors!"

"Guys, guys, guys," Mallory said as she moved between them. "You're acting like children."

"Are not!" Valerie stuck out her tongue at Mallory.

"Are too!" Bob stuck out her tongue.

"Are not times infinity!" Valerie yelled, crossing her eyes and making a stupid face.

They never change. Mallory continued. "Hair as yellow as corn. Don't you see what this means?"

"It appears we have found the first talisman," Special K commented.

"Exactly! "So, now we have to . . . Um . . . retrieve it."

"Retrieve it?" A lightbulb went off in Bob's head. "Oh, you mean . . . NO!" she gasped in horror.

Vanessa scooped something large off the ground and gestured to it. "Look! I found a pair of hedge clippers!"

"How very convenient," Special K said.


Valerie grabbed the clippers from Vanessa. "Allow me to do the honors."

"No! Please no!!" Bob screamed. "Not my hair! Anything but that!"

There was a maniacal gleam in Valerie's eyes. "Don't worry. It won't hurt . . . much."

Julie was pissed. After returning from the underground laboratory, she had waited for Gerg. And waited. And waited. Then she waited some more. He never showed up.

There was a knock.

Leaping out of bed, Julie hurled herself across the dorm room to the door.

It was only Alexia.

Damn it all. "What do you want?"

"Nothing in particular. I thought that maybe we could talk about the plans we overheard and what the Sailor Senshi's course of action should be." She frowned. "Is something wrong?"

"He never showed."


"No matter. These past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about him. And I realized some things."

"Like what?"

"First of all, he's such a dumb prince," Julie said.

"Yes," Alexia agreed.

"And he's really too tall."

"True . . ."

"And he doesn't deserve me."

"The Prince?"

Julie winced. "Yes, the Prince."

"Right, the Prince."

"I think he's deserted me. Left all alone in the lab of the B*tches."

"Please. Call them witches."

Julie sighed. "He's insensitive, stupid, bad-mannered, as kind as he's handsome--"

"That doesn't say much," Alexia mussed.

"How could I have ever wanted him? If only he were the prince I envision . . ."

Alexia sighed. "Mom, I probably shouldn't mention this, but I can't listen to you go on without saying something."


"You marry the Prince."

"Yes, I know."

"And I am your child," she reminded Julie.

"Yes, I know. And that's still really weird for me, by the way."

"And though you have loved him in both the past and the future, you don't anymore."

Julie narrowed her eyes. "What exactly are you trying to say?"

"You think, what do you want? Why stay and be caught? You think, well, it's a thought."

"Wait a minute! There is no way you can seriously be suggesting that I break up with Gerg!"

Alexia shrugged. "It's fun to deceive when you know you can leave, but you have to be wary."

"What about you?" Julie sputtered melodramatically. "What about the Moo Kingdom?" She threw up her arms. "What about the future?!"

"What about your happiness? What's more important?"

Julie thought for a moment. "You're making a good point . . ."

"It's your first big decision. The choice isn't easy to make. But you've stalled long enough."

"There's got to be some other way," Julie mused. "How can I let Gerg know how I feel without actually saying, 'Hey, you suck?'"

"Leave him a clue."

"For example?"

"A shoe."

Valerie held out the hair in disgust. "Ew. It's even more disgusting now than when it was on her head."

Trying to cover what was left of her badly sheared hair, Bob glared at Valerie. "You know, I despised you before. But now I really hate you!"

"Just remember, your sacrifice was for the greater good."

"Let me have the first talisman." Mallory held out her arms.

Valerie wrinkled her nose and tossed the hair to her. "Be my guest."

"This is . . . great," Mallory said, equally disgusted.

Special K grinned. "It appears that we only two more talismans to go!"

"But my hair!" Bob moaned in agony.

"Don't worry," Vanessa reassured the blonde. "I'll fix it up. Then you'll have really cute hair, just like me!"


"No!" Valerie screamed. "Don't do that! She's blonde!"

"Alright guys, it's time to get back to work," Mallory said. "It takes one to begin but then once you've begun, it takes--"


"It takes just a bit more and we're done. We want four, we had none, we've got one. We need--"


"Yes, we need her too." Mallory scratched her head thoughtfully. "I wonder how on earth we'll ever find her."

"Look!" Vanessa yelled suddenly. "That person limping in pain over there! Why, it's Niki!"

The others all turned in the direction she was pointing, and sure enough, there was Niki, hobbling painfully over to greet them.

"And to think, she shows up right when we need her," Special K said.

"How very convenient."


"Hey, guys," Niki said.

"You're alive!" Valerie yelled. "We were so worried. We thought you were dead!"

Niki shook her head. "If only God was that kind. But no, he obviously doesn't care very much."

"Maybe it's because you're Jewish."

"It's getting late," Mallory pointed out. "We need to find the other two talismans before the last midnight."

As one, the senshi turned and began moving further into the darkening woods.

"Into the woods, without regret.

The choice is made, the task is set.

Into the woods, but not forgetting

Why we're on the journey!

Into the woods to get the things

That makes it worth the journeying.

Into the woods!

Into the woods!

Into the woods, then out of the woods,

And home before dark!"

Gerg stared at the two shoes Julie had sent him via Jeff. One was a new, shiny shoe with the attached note "this is our relationship." The other, a rather old and disgusting shoe had come with the message "This is our relationship on drugs. Any questions?"

Actually, he had several questions. But after extensive examination of the shoes he came to the conclusion that Julie was unhappy with him.

The filthy shoe, (which looked as though it had been tossed around in the dumpster, run over in the mud with a lawn mower, and then beaten repeatedly with a large stick--which, ironically, it had been), was an analogy to the fact that their relationship . . . stunk.

What am I going to do? Gerg thought to himself. I mean, I was under the impression that we were destined to be together, but obviously I must have done something . . .

"Did I abuse her or show her disdain?

Why does she run from me?

If I should lose her, how shall I regain

The daughter she gave to me?" ^^

Then again, maybe it won't be so bad . . .


No more long, boring speech!

She's not what I want . . .

But she's the only thing that I can reach.

The girl must be mad.

Agony, misery, woe!

She's as short as a dwarf . . .

(Dwarfs are very upsetting.)"

On the other hand . . .

"Not forgetting that

She's so incapable and unescapable,

She's unreliable, but so available.


We'll be married for years . . .

(While my daughter grows beards.) ^^

What a horrible life."


"With my future wife . . ."

Alexia clapped her hands. "Now that we've dealt with that problem, what are we going to do about the B(tches?"

"Well, we need to warn the others." Julie thought for a moment. "It looks like a field trip to lovely Loserville is in store."

"When are we leaving?"

"Now. Bring a coat. It might get a bit chilly."

"There!" Vanessa exclaimed as she put the finishing touches on Bob's new do. "It looks great!"

"Does it really?" Bob spun around so that the others could admire her new, shoulder-length hair.

Damn it, Vanessa! Valerie glared. Why did you have to go and make Bob look decent? I feel so betrayed.

"Wow, Bob!" Niki voiced. "You don't look nearly as stupid as you used to!"

Valerie grinned. I knew I could always count on Niki!

"You're just jealous," Bob sniffed.

Before anyone had a chance to come up with an insult, there was a loud boom followed by two crashes.

"What was that?" The senshi peered into the woods from which the sound had come.

"Maybe it was a giant!" Mallory suggested. "There are giants in the sky. There are big, tall, terrible--"

"Um . . . no," Bob replied, rolling her eyes.

"Perhaps it was a lion!" Special K said. "Or a tiger! Or a --"

"Or a Walrus!" Niki jumped up. "Mr. Walrus, I'm coming!" She leapt forward, but instead of finding the Walrus, she ran into Alexia.

"Julie! Alexia! What on earth are you doing here?" Mallory asked.

"We've transported here to warn you!" Julie cried. "The B*tches have planned to kidnap one of us!"

"Why would they want to do that?"

"I don't know," Julie confessed.

"Hey, maybe they want to kidnap Bob," Valerie suggested. "Wouldn't that be loverly?"

"Well, they did say something about the person being evil . . ."

"Niki," Alexia said. "I don't mean to be rude or anything, but what on earth are you doing?"

Niki looked up sheepishly. She was sitting on the ground by Alexia, holding on to the end of her red cape. "Oh . . . nothing."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, this just looks like my sleeping bag." She glanced at it again and gasped. "Wait a minute. This is my sleeping bag!"

"No!" Special K yelled. "It's the cape as red as blood! We've found the second talisman!"

Julie stared, a bewildered expression on her face. "What in the bloody name of all that is evil are you talking about!?"

Mallory shrugged. "Long story."

"It is time," B*tch #3 said evilly. She and B*tch #2 were standing in a field on the outskirts of the Loserville woods. "Release the cat!"

"Excuse me?"


"Oh, right." B*tch #2 grabbed the end of a long lever and pulled. The bars of a metal cage swung open, and with an earsplitting hiss, a huge shape leapt up and ran into the night.

Deep in the dark woods, the senshi sat around a campfire. They had decided to continue their quest in the morning.

Yawning, Mallory looked happily at the two talismans, one of which Niki had insisted upon using as a sleeping bag. Only . . .

"Hey!" Special K said. "Where did Niki go?"

"I was wondering the same thing . . ."

"She said she was going to look for flowers," Valerie said sleepily.

"In the dark?"

"Why not? It's Niki, remember?"

"Of course. You're right. How foolish."

"I'm sure she'll be back any moment."

Squinting in the darkness, Niki continued her quest.

"Blue flowers with red thorns. Blue flowers with--it would help if I wasn't color blind!"

A cat jumped suddenly out from the bushes. "Hello, little girl, what's your rush?"

Niki stared at the cat who looked suspiciously like a rather evil cat named Ophelia. She didn't find the fact the cat was talking at all strange. "Walrus said, 'straight ahead!' Not to delay or be misled."

"But slow, little girl. Hark! And hush-- The birds are singing sweetly."

"No they're not. It's midnight."

"You've missed the birds completely! You're traveling so fleetly."

"Yeah, well." Niki turned. "Got to go."

"One moment, my dear!"

"Walrus said, 'come what may, follow the path and never stray'."

"I know where the walrus is."

"Do you?" Niki leapt up. "Oh boy! Oh boy! Give me! Give me! Give me!"

"Follow me." The cat crept to the edge of a dark brush. "This way!"

Niki thought for a moment. Which was longer than she usually did. Well, it's just a talking cat! It's not like it's anything weird or anything.

"Come on, hurry!"

"Walrus might like a fresh bouquet . . ."

Niki followed the talking cat deep into the woods.

Meanwhile, the senshi had finally noticed Niki's mysterious disappearance.

"I'm really worried, guys," Mal admitted.

"Yeah. It shouldn't take anyone this long to find flowers. Even if it's dark. Even if it's Niki," Valerie pointed out.

"Maybe she got eaten by a bear." Bob chuckled softly to herself.

"Shh!" Special K whispered, her attention focused on a bright light glowing from deep within the woods.

It's the last midnight, a mysteriously disembodied voice sang. It's the last wish.

"Is that Chocolate?" Vanessa asked.

It's the last midnight, soon it will be--

"The last midnight?" Mallory echoed. "What happened to the other two?"

Time is running short. They have what they want.

Julie stepped forward. "I have two questions. First, who the heck are you, and secondly, who has what?"

I am Chocolate, guardian senshi of the doorway through time. The B*tches have Niki.

"They've kidnaped her!" Alexia exclaimed. "But how? And where?"

No time to explain. I have brought you this. In a flash of light, a golden shoe fell into Mallory's hands. I found this floating through time.

"It's Niki's toe shoe!" Mallory yelled. "The slipper as pure as gold! The last talisman!"

If you wish to find your friend, follow the footprints. The glowing light vanished, and Chocolate was gone.

The senshi looked to the ground and sure enough, a trail of chalky-white footprints vanished into the darkness.

"Who could do such a thing?" Mallory peered closely at the mysterious prints.

"Do you think it was a bear?"

Valerie frowned. "A bear? Bears are sweet. Besides, you ever see a bear with forty-foot feet?"

"Dragon?" Vanessa suggested.

"No scorch marks," Mallory shook her head. "They're usually linked."



"Griffin?" Alexia asked.



"Possible. Very, very possible."

Julie rolled her eyes. "They're Niki's footprints, you dimwits! Good God, you ex-freshmen drive me insane!"

"It's because of you there's an ugly blonde in the woods and Niki's been kidnaped!" Valerie screamed, pointing at Bob.

"Wait a minute!" Bob yelled back. "It's because of me we have all three talismans! What have you done?"

"I've been here for moral support!" Valerie narrowed her eyes and crouched down, preparing to violently attack the evil blonde.

Mallory sighed. "Oh boy. Here we go again. . ."

And it came to pass, all that seemed wrong was now right (except for the fact that Niki was kidnaped and about to be made evil by four B*tches who are still alive), and those who deserved to were certain to live a long and happy life (in other words, Bob is the only one who will die a horrible, grisly, bloody death. Again).



SMoo Randomness:
Julie: We need to defeat You-Know-Who and his Death Eaters, for the sake of small children and mailboxes everywhere!