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Pretty Soldier Sailor Moo


Hi! My name is Julie Kwaites! ^_^ I'm fifteen and in the tenth grade. I'm really just your normal, average (if you laugh you're gonna regret it), everyday teenage girl, although most people think I'm kind of a wacko . . . but anyway . . . What nobody realizes is that I'm also an agent of love and justice, Pretty Soldier Sailor Moo! ^_^

Along with Sailor Unico, Sailor 24601, Sailor Psychy, and Sailor Unknown, I battle the forces of evil. Oh yeah, I still go to highschool and stuff, which kinda puts a damper on being a superhero. . . But, anyway, this is how my story goes . . . Remember, just sit back and be happy! The world is safe in my hands! ^_^

(Don't laugh! It's not THAT funny.) ~_~

(Warning: events may be SLIGHTLY exaggerated and some things may be lost in translation. Or, it may really suck because it's the dubbed version.)


Episode 1: "Graceful Change Of Wacko Julie"


As the sun rose gently over the horizon and birds began to chirp from their nests in the palm trees, the sleepy town of Loserville* (name changed for safety reasons) began to awake. Lights turned on, and the shuffles of feet could be heard in the near-silence of the chilly morning. Moments later, doors opened as dozens of teenagers streamed out, headed to start another day at Country Club High.

However, one house remained undisturbed. The inhabitant, an odd, klutzy girl, had thrown her alarm clock out the window several minutes earlier when a bird had dared to wake her from her dream. She now laid in peaceful slumber, envisioning a world with fields of peanuts and a river of coke that sparkled in the moonlight.

Every night the girl had the same dream. It was as if it was a memory of a past nearly forgotten. The dream always began the same. She would be frolicking across the fields of peanuts, several wild goats in tow. As she kneeled down to get a sip of refreshing coke, she saw him.

He was always there. At first he was only a shadow, but as the dream occurred more frequently, he became more visible. He was big. And hairy. And Italian.

The girl had fallen in love with the mysteriously large Italian guy the moment she first caught a glimpse of him, staring at her from across the river. She always wanted to talk to him, but she would always wake up, and he would be gone.

This time the dream went on . . .

She smiled at him as he approached slowly. Her heart pounded and she closed her eyes, expecting at any moment for him to sweep her off her feet and then declare his love to her as they galloped off into the moonlight.

No such luck.

"Chirp! Chirp" The sweet song of a blue jay stirred the sleeping girl.

"Alright, that's it!" Julie screamed, her eyes narrowed and her mouth drawn into a snarl. It was the same bird that had nearly woken her before. She had sacrificed her alarm clock (no big loss) to shut it up earlier.

This time it wouldn't live to sing another song.

Grabbing a huge metal bat (that JUST HAPPENED to be lying there), Julie stomped to the window. "You're gonna DIE!" But, before she could make the final blow, a high-pitched squeal came from below.

"Ju-LIE! You're going to be la-TE!"

Annoyed by the interference her mother caused, Julie put down the bat. Pointing menacingly at the bird, she growled. "I'll be back for you later."

After slipping on her school uniform, Julie ran for the top of the stairs. Acting gracefully as usual, she tripped over her own feet and fell down the stairs (it wasn't her fault, they were totally too steep), landing in a heap. Grimacing in pain, she leaped up.

"Ah! I'm late again!" Julie screamed. Stumbling towards the kitchen, she grabbed her lunch pail and zoomed to the front door. 'I'm taking the car!" She yelled over her shoulder.

"Oh, God, help us all!" was her mother's reply.

Ignoring the not-so-nice comment, Julie slammed the door behind her. After ripping her skirt out from where she had shut the door on it (she seemed to do that every morning), Julie continued her frantic run to where the broken down Toyota sat.

As the tires squealed out of the driveway, Julie left her house, not realizing her life was about to change. Something was going to happen to her, and after that day, the klutzy girl would never be the same.


Humming along with the "South Park" CD, Julie sped through her second red light and fourth stop sign that day. Oh well. Safety wasn't important. If she got one more tardy, it was Saturday School and her social life (which wasn't that great to begin with) would diminish into nothing.

Vaguely remembering a friend's warning about watching out for orange cones (very good advice), Julie was about to turn onto Flipper Drive when something flashed before the car.

Julie spun the wheel and slammed the brakes, but it was too late. As she stopped, there was a huge splat, a scream, and then nothing.

"Oh my God, I killed Kenny!" Julie yelled in shock. Why she did that, I don't know. Perhaps it was because she was listening to the "South Park" CD. Or maybe it was just a reflex from having a once funny joke used WAY too many times. Okay, I'm off the point.

Muttering curse words and as the criminal penalties for murder ran through her head, Julie jumped from the car. Sure enough, there a bloody, crumpled figure lay crying for help. Julie sighed with relief.

It was just a cat.

She hopped back into the Toyota, put the car into reverse, and sped away, leaving the cat lying there. After all, there were plenty of cats in the world, but only one social life.

The poor, pitiful thing looked up after the speeding hunk of junk. This was no ordinary cat. Awoken from being frozen in time, the cat had regained her memory of being guardian to the Moo Princess. It was her duty to find the princess and to turn her into a superhero of love and justice.

She had traveled the world for years, finally coming to Loserville, the second to last place on her list (the last being Ohio). After all, what would a Princess/Superhero be doing in Loserville? Usually they lived somewhere cool. Like Tokyo.

But, the cat had sensed something in the girl. Could that heartless, cat murderer be in fact the one she was searching for? She hoped not.


When Julie arrived at school right as the warning bell rang, she sighed happily. Yes! Social Life! Running for her first hour class, Julie slipped quickly into her seat. Turning around, she waved to her best friend.

"Hey, Polly, guess what? I got to drive to school today."

"Yeah I saw. Nice car. Where'd you get it, the dumpster?" (*note: said with an annoying New Yorkern accent)

"Well, at least I can drive."

"Not legally." (She only had her permit)

"Your point being?"

"Was that blood on the tires?"

Julie's eyes widened. "What?"

"I could have sworn I saw blood on the tires."

"Of course that wasn't blood!" Julie replied, a little too forcefully, making it obvious she was hiding something with a guilty expression. "It was Canada!"

Polly was confused. "What?"

"You know . . . "Blame Canada?" The song? South Park?" She sighed. "Never mind."

"Julie, answer me straight. Did you KILL somebody?"

"Of course not! Well . . . sort of. . . "

Polly stared at her, shocked. "You KILLED somebody??!!

"Not somebody. Something. I killed a cat, okay?"

"A cat!" Polly's face crumpled. "How awful! The poor thing! Where is it?"

Julie rolled her eyes. I mean, puh-lease! It was just a cat. "On the side of the road."

"You left it on the side of the road??!!"

"Isn't that usually where you leave road kill?"

"You are so heartless! At lunch we're gonna go find that cat and give it a proper burial."

"Okay," Julie agreed, attempting to humor her friend. Some people can be SO sensitive.

"Do you have a shoe box?"

"No."

"Well, we'll find one."

"Whatever."


Meanwhile, across town from the highschool, an evil meeting was being held. For weeks now, they had been preparing. Preparing for the day when the moon would shine blood red and the ritual would be complete.

They had no names. No faces. Joined with chaos, they were pure evil. They were the shadows that obscured the sun. They were the whispers that sent shivers up your spine. They were the big, fat ones that taught second hour geometry to a class of wackos.

They were evil, man.

And now they waited. They waited for the one day when their power would be complete. Nothing would stop them. There seemed to be nothing that would dare challenge their evilness.

Until now.

"Master," one of them called. She stepped out from the circle of chanting, followed by her daughter. She was fat. (Fat being the nice term) The daughter was fat too.

Slowly, the woman wobbled forward and attempted to kneel before a throne where a tall, dark, cloaked figure sat. "Master, permission to speak."

"WHO ARE YOU?" The raspy, deep voice demanded.

"My name is Professor Smeezer. My daughter, Bentfence and I are two of your most loyal followers."

"BENTFENCE . . . THAT IS AN INTERESTING NAME. TELL ME, HOW DID YOU COME TO BE NAMED THAT?"

"It is because of my impressive powers of weight. I am able to bend any fence by only throwing my body upon it."

"IMPRESSIVE. THOSE POWERS COULD PROVE TO BE USEFUL." The dark figure stroked what would be his chin if he had one under the cloak. "NOW, WHY DO YOU BOTHER ME?"

Professor Smeezer attempted to kneel again. (Keyword: attempted) "We only came to warn you of something that could prove to be a disturbance in our ritual."

"WHAT IS IT?"

"Bentfence sensed that the powers of good will soon be reviving. We suspect them to be the reincarnations of our sworn enemies, the Moo people."

"I SEE. BENTFENCE, HOW DID YOU SENSE THIS?"

"I smelled them, Master."

"SMELLED?"

"Yes. Due to a radioactive reaction after having a birth mark removed, I can now smell things beyond other peoples sense of . . . smell."

"HOW SPECIAL."

"Forgive me, for interrupting, Master," Professor Smeezer said apologetically. "But what do we do about the Moo people?"

"MAKE MANURE OUT OF THEM."

"I beg your pardon?"

"KILL THEM, YOU IMBECILE!!!" He yelled.

"Of course." Bowing respectively, Smeezer and her daughter moved quickly away.


"What should we do, mother?"

"There's only one thing I can think of." Her face hardened with determination. "We must call upon . . . JEFF, Evil, Evil, JEFF." (dum dum dum)

Gasping in horror, Bentfence drew back. "No! Not JEFF, Evil, Evil, JEFF! (dum dum dum)"

"Yes. JEFF, Evil, Evil, JEFF!" (dum dum dum)

And with that, the two backed away in silence as they faded into the shadows.


Julie couldn't believe she was doing this. Wasting her free time to find a stupid cat! And it was even already dead. It wasn't her fault any way.

Polly didn't even come! She had backed out at the last minute. Wimp.

Julie sighed, shifting the shoe box to under her other arm. In the distance, she saw the shape of the cat.

Eww.

As she crept closer, she realized that the cat was not dead. It was just standing there, staring at her with its intense, accusing eyes. If looks could kill . . .

Putting the shoe box down, she bent over to pet the cat. "Hey, I'm sorry about earlier. You know, I don't blame you if you try and scratch my eyes out since I like . . . ran over you and stuff."

Julie picked the cat up and rubbed it's forehead. "You know, you're the cutest road kill I ever saw." As she rubbed, a bald spot began to appear under the grime on the cat's fur. "Wow. You know that bald spot on your forehead looks kind of like a cow udder."

"It is a cow udder."

"Well, that's just too-- " Julie stopped, mid-sentence as what had just happened dawned on her. "Oh my God! You talked!"

"Of course I did."

Julie wasn't sure what to do. First she just kind of stared. Then she started screaming. The cat was annoyed. "Shut up! You're drawing attention!"

Julie stopped screaming. "You can talk."

"Wow, you figured that out pretty quickly. You're obviously a gifthead," the cat replied sarcastically.

"How come you talk?"

"My name is Krystina. I have searched the Earth for you. You are a descendent of the Moo people."

"The Who people?"

"Moo people."

"RI--GGHHT."

Krystina was getting annoyed. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Julie was staring off into space. "How much do you think I could get for a talking cat at the freak show?"

"I am not a freak!" Krystina yelled, shocked. "After nearly killing me, the least you could do is listen."

"I'm listening."

"I want you to take this pencil." Krystina bent down and picked up a really cool mechanical pencil that was on the ground. (ALEX'S mechanical pencil) "Hold it up in the air and shout out, "MOO PENCIL POWER MAKEUP!"

Julie looked at the cat like it was crazy, but you know whatever. For all she knew, SHE'S the one who was crazy. (Not at all ^_^) After all, what mentally sane person talked to a cat?

Grabbing the pencil, Julie held it up in the air. "Moo Pencil Power Makeup!"


Nothing happened.

"Wow, that was great." Julie put the pencil in her pocket. "But seriously, I think I'm gonna go now."

Krystina was getting annoyed. "With feeling! Say it with feeling!"

"That's okay, I think I'll pass."

The cat hissed. Leaping into the air, Krystina jumped on Julie's neck and held a sharp claw an inch away from her jugular vein. "If you don't get this right I swear I'm going to--"

But she never got a chance to finish.

At that moment a huge explosion knocked the two to the ground. Julie looked up in shock, and there, in the dust that was settling, stood a horribly ugly creature. In his hands he held a computer disk.

He leaned over the fallen figure. "Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" he grinned.

"Actually, it's a pencil in my pocket," Julie replied.

"Oh. Never mind."

Krystina ran to Julie's side. "Quickly, get your pencil out and transform! He is evil!"

"Yes, I am. I am very evil. I am super evil. I am here to destroy you, the descendent of the Moo Kingdom. Surrender now, and you will die LESS painfully."

Getting to her feet, Julie crossed her arms. "What is wrong with you people? And why are you obsessed with cows??!!"

"I am known as Jeff, Evil, Evil, Jeff. (dum dum dum) I am a henchman of Mr, Mister who was sent out to destroy the resistance formed against the ritual. You are the resistance, and now, you will die!" Raising the computer disk he jumped into the air. "COMPUTER VIRUS ATTACK!"

Flames shot out of the disk, hitting Julie squarely, and knocking her back several feet. "Ow, that hurt!"

"Julie, transform!"

"Right." Julie grabbed the pencil and held it up. "MOO PENCIL POWER, MAKEUP!" In an explosion of light, Julie was suddenly suspended in the air, naked.

"Ah! I'm not wearing any clothes!"

Luckily, right before her eyes, clothes just sort of magically grew. She suddenly found herself wearing a white leotard with a short, cow spotted skirt. On her arms, she had long gloves, and she was wearing red leather boots. (Really kawaii ^_^) Around her neck, she had a choker with a small cow bell on it. On her forehead, a tiara with the "Moo People Symbol" appeared.

When Julie had gotten over the shock of what had happened she looked down. "Why am I dressed like a cow?"

Jeff was not happy. "So the cow in you has awakened. I was hoping I'd kill you first."

"Sorry to disappoint you."

Jeff, Evil, Evil, Jeff started to back away. But, he didn't get very far.

"Stop right there!" Julie was never good at figuring out something clever or witty in situations like this, but suddenly this long monologue just sort of came out (along with odd arm motions). "You hurt my feelings by attempting to kill me. Now you try and leave without apologizing. I don't think so. For all the girls who have been abused, in the name of cows, I'll punish you!"

Julie was pleased. Now she had no idea what to do. "Hey, cat, how do I get rid of this guy?"

"Take off your tiara and shout out, "MOO FRISBEE!"

Doing as instructed, Julie removed her tiara. As it started to glow, Julie raised it in the air. "MOO FRISBEE!" She flung it at Jeff, Evil, Evil, Jeff and as it struck him, his body exploded into ashes.

Julie looked down at his remains. "Hey that was great! Can I kill somebody else?"

Krystina sighed, exasperated. "Of course not! You are a soldier of LOVE and justice!"

"That sucks." Julie's eyes lit up. "Hey can I tell everyone about me being a superhero?"

"NO! Sailor Moo is your secret identity. If you tell anyone it won't be a secret."

"Not even like one or two people?"

"No!"

"Krystina, you're no fun." And together, the two faded off into the distance.


CONTINUE

SMoo Randomness:
Julie: You can tell fat, smelly people to kill me, you can send me to hell, you can take my computer . . . no, nevermind. Forget I said that. NO ONE messes with MY boyfriend.