It was a dark and stormy night. (Don’t you hate when stories start that way?) The rain and fog made it difficult to see anything, even the secluded mansion on the hill. A car swerved into the driveway of the mansion and a woman quickly got out of her car and ran through the rain to the steps that led to the front door. The woman would be addressed as Ms. Moo at the “party” she was about to attend.

Near the front door, there were two big and intimidating Doberman pinchers who began nastily barking at the woman. Before she had a chance to curse the dogs out, the door was answered by the butler who was wearing a fashionable Italian-made suit and a white mask. She entered the house and immediately her nostrils were filled with the putrid smell of dog sh*t. She quickly checked to make sure it wasn’t the bottom of her shoes. She was then led to the parlor where she could wait for the other guests and have a drink.

The door to the parlor was opened for her and she walked in. Ms. Moo flinched at the sight of the blonde-haired maid who was already in the parlor. She refused to take the drink the maid offered her and kept her distance.

The butler helped take the jacket of Ms. Psychy. Ms. Psychy could also smell the dog sh*t wafting through the air and checked her shoes to make sure it wasn’t her. She was also led the parlor where the door was rudely shut behind her after she had entered the room.

The next woman to arrive was to be called Ms. Unico. She was a little nervous to be attending the “party”, especially when she saw the two ferocious, barking dogs. Ms. Unico hated dogs. To be precise, she hated Doberman pinchers that looked like they were about to attack. The door was opened and the butler came out to greet Ms. Unico.

“Sit!” the butler commanded.

Ms. Unico immediately sat on the concrete bench that was right next to the door.

“Not you,” explained the butler, “the dogs.”

“Oh, sorry. I was a bit confused.” Ms. Unico confessed as she followed the butler inside.

Next to arrive were two women who would be known as Ms. Ecco and Ms. Chocolate (accent on the TE; it’s Spanish). Ms. Ecco’s car battery died (probably from leaving the headlights on too many times) and Ms. Chocolate was nice enough to stop and give her a lift. At this, they conveniently found out that they were going to the same “party”. On entering the mansion, they too noticed the sickening smell of the dog sh*t and checked the bottom of their shoes, just like everyone else.

Minutes later, Ms. 24601 was also led into the parlor with the others. She was the last guest to arrive.

The women sat around in the parlor and attempted to mingle with each other, but it seemed that all had a loss for words. The cook rang a gong which startled Ms. Unico, who spilled her drink all over Ms. Psychy.

“Sorry, I’m a bit accident prone.” Ms. Unico apologized.

“Dinner is ready,” the butler informed.

All the guests gathered into the dining room where they were all served an appetizer of soup, which everyone was afraid to try. Finally, Ms. Moo took her spoon and began slurping her soup. The others cautiously began to slurp their soup too.

After a while, Ms. Psychy couldn’t take the silence any longer and began to blabber, “Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. It's always difficult when a group of friends meet together to get acquainted, so I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling . . . I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here, or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself and I'm very intrigued and oh, my, this soup's delicious isn't it?”

After Ms. Psychy finished her speech, the other guest stared at her.

“So, where is our Host, this Unknown guy?” questioned Ms. 24601.

“I believe your unknown host will be arriving right. . .now,” said the masked butler.

As soon as he said it, a very familiar blonde who all the guests knew and hated entered the room.

“It’s Bob!!! That b*tch!!!!” shouted Ms. Psychy.

“That is Ms. Unknown to you. Remember we all have aliases.” retorted the host.

“Well, it’s not like we don’t recognize each other. I mean, we haven’t changed that much in ten years!” cried Ms. 24601. “Besides, on top of that, we’re using our bloody senshi names!”

“Why were we all invited to come here?” asked Ms. Unico, cutting off 24601 before she could continue her diatribe.

“STOP! We will all walk calmly to the Study and there everything will be explained.” the butler told them. The women simultaneously nodded their heads.

The guests were all led to the study and as the butler had said, he began to explain. “The reason you have been invited here is because you all have one thing in common. You're all being brutally blackmailed. For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford and, in some cases, more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you. And none of you know who's blackmailing you, do you?” explained the butler.

“Oh, please! I've never heard anything so ridiculous.” cried Ms. Psychy, “I mean, nobody could blackmail me. My life is an open book--I've never done anything wrong!”

“Anybody else wish to deny it?” asked the butler. “Ok then, As everyone here is in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details.”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” Ms. Ecco squeaked out.

“Sorry. Direct orders, you understand. We’ll start with Ms. Psychy, the one who claims she did nothing wrong. How do you explain these?!?” The masked butler held up two pages of pictures taken in a mall photo booth. The pictures showed Ms. Psychy and Ms. Unknown smiling and looking all together happy to be in each others’ company.

The other women all gasped in shock of the pictures.

“Well, well, you look awful chummy with Bob,” commented Ms. 24601.

“They’re altered I swear! I don’t know how they came into existence!” cried Ms. Psychy in defense of herself.

“Despite what you claim, you have been paying blackmail to keep these pictures hid from the public,” the butler remarked.

“I don’t blame her,” murmured Ms. Unico.

“Since we are on pictures, there are some nice ones of Ms. Chocolate breaking a certain taboo. . .multiple times!” the butler shouted as he held out several 8x10 colored glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against her.

“My virgin eyes! Not that taboo!” cried Ms. Ecco.

The women all looked at Ms. Chocolate with disgust.

“What?. . .I can‘t help it. . .it‘s only because it‘s forbidden. . .I can‘t fight the temptation!” she cried.

“Ms. Moo, you've been paying blackmail ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances.” the butler continued.

“ I don’t think that being sexually molested, and then mauled by goats is all that mysterious, but what can I say? I just don’t what to hurt my reputation.” Ms. Moo explained.

“I thought that happened in the past. . .I’m confused,” mused Ms. Unico.

“Well, history can repeat itself,” a slightly irritated Ms. Moo added.

“I'm not going to wait for this masked butler here to unmask me.” Ms. Unico blurted out, “I work for the government. And I am a lesbian.”

The others stared at her loathingly.

“I feel no personal shame or guilt about this. But I must keep it a secret or I will lose my job on security grounds. . . Thank you.”

“I knew it,” whispered Ms. Moo.

“Well, going on,” continued the butler. “Let’s see, Ms. 24601 is being blackmailed for. . .oh my. . .that’s disturbing.”

“What?! What did she do?!” asked the women in anticipation.

“Well, to be perfectly frank,” answered Ms. 24601, “I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while.”

Everyone had expressions of horror imprinted on their faces.

“What? It’s a good way to make money. It runs in my family! Remember my little brother’s ‘library’?” Ms. 24601 explained.

The butler cleared his throat and moved on, “Well, all who is left is Ms. Ecco--”

“What about Bob?” asked Ms. Psychy.

“Don’t you know?” asked the butler, “Why, Ms. Unknown is the one who is blackmailing you.”

The guests all stared at Bob with viscous looks in their eyes. Suddenly, all the women got up and lunged at Bob for the chance to kill her.

“You B*stard!” cried Ms. 24601.

“Wait! Wait! The police are coming! Blackmail depends on secrecy. All you have to do is tell the police, she'll be convicted, and your troubles will be over.” cried the butler.

“I think it would just be easier to kill her now than to let the police have the pleasure!” cried Ms. Moo in a rage.

The butler, obviously a little frightened of the maniac women backed away and made no further comment.

“Before everyone gets upset, I want to give each of you a token of my appreciation for your cooperation,” said Ms. Unknown as she handed out gifts to each of the women. All the women looked around at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then began to open the presents. Inside Ms. Moo’s gift, she found a rope tied in a noose. Ms. 24601 opened her package and found a heavy wrench. Ms. Ecco was given a candlestick; Ms. Unico was given a lead pipe; Ms. Chocolate opened her package to find a revolver and Ms. Psychy received a knife.

“In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon.” Ms. Unknown explained, “If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that! But . . . if one of you kills this butler guy. . .”

The butler’s eyes widened.

“. . . no one but the seven of us will ever know. I saw him lock the front door and put the key into his pocket. No doubt that he plans on holding us here until the police come. The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill the butler. . . Now.” Ms. Unknown flicked the lights out, leaving them all in the dark.

“Why in HELL would we kill the butler, as tempting as that may be, when we could just as easily kill YOU!!!!???” Ms. 24601 shouted in the dark.

Suddenly there was a gunshot, followed by what sounded like a body falling on the ground.

The lights were turned on again by Ms. Psychy. She dropped the knife she held in her hand at the sight of Bob lying on the study floor. “Hey! The b*tch is dead!”

“Ding-dong, the b*tch is dead!” sang Ms. 24601.

“Which old b*tch?” continued Ms. Pychy.

“The wicked b*tch!” chimed in Ms. Moo.

“Hold up! We have to find out how she died!” cried Ms. Chocolate, “There is no gunshot wound.”

“How odd,” mused Ms. Psychy as she took a sip of a drink that was on the coffee table.

“Maybe she was poisoned!” cried Ms. Ecco.

At that statement, Ms. Psychy dropped her glass and began to scream. Ms. Unico led her over to the couch and attempted to calm her down with words of comfort. When nothing seemed to work, she slapped Ms. Psychy across the face.

Everyone looked devastated at the actions of Ms. Unico. “I. . .I had to stop her from screaming. . .” Ms. Unico said in defense of herself.

“Was that drink poisoned?” asked Ms. 24601.

“How would I know?” retorted Ms. Unico.

Ms. Ecco held up the empty glass, “We’ll never know now!” she said.

“Unless she dies too!” Ms. Chocolate cried out.

All of the women surrounded Ms. Psychy, but their concentration was interrupted by screams from the parlor.

Everybody rushed over to the parlor.

“It’s locked!” cried Ms. Chocolate.

“It must be the murderer!” exclaimed Ms. 24601.

“What murderer?” questioned Ms. Unico.

“Why would the murderer scream?” asked Ms. Psychy.

“He must have a victim. . .the maid!” said Ms. Moo as she began to smile with glee.

Suddenly the door burst open and the women found that indeed the maid was in the parlor alone, yet still screaming.

“Why the hell are you screaming?” questioned the butler.

“I was frightened; I heard the drinks were poisoned.”

“Oh poor baby,” mumbled Ms. Moo to herself.

“How did you hear that? We were all the way in the Study!” exclaimed Ms. 24601.

“The conversation in the Study is being tape recorded,” explained the butler.

“Why?” asked Ms. Ecco.

“Well, for the police, of course.” the butler answered.

“Point of order! Tape recordings are not admissible evidence!” Ms. Unico said.

“Oh. . .sh*t,” replied the butler.

The women and the maid returned to the study to think about how Bob had died.

“Now, how can we possibly find out which of you did it?” asked Ms. Unico.

“What do you mean which of ‘you’ did it?” retorted Ms. Chocolate.

“Well, I didn't do it!” cried Ms. Unico.

“Well, one of us did. We all had the opportunity, we all had a motive.” the butler included.

“Who cares? It was just Bob!” Ms. Moo pointed out.

“Maybe it wasn't one of us.” Ms. Ecco suggested.

“Well, who else could it have been?” asked Ms. 24601.

“Who else is in the house?” Ms. Unico questioned.

“Only the cook.” informed the butler.

“The cook!” the group shouted in unison and quickly headed for the kitchen where they all managed to get jammed in the door. Ms. Unico squeezed her way through and stepped into the kitchen. She began to look around and after a brief investigation, she concluded, “Well, the cook is not here.” But just as she spoke, the door to the freezer started to open and the cook's body (which had a dagger sticking in her back.) tumbled out into Ms. Unico's arms.

“Ew,” commented Ms. 24601.

As she struggled under the weight of the cook, Ms. Unico cried, “I didn't do it!!. . . somebody help me, please? I have no upper body strength.”

The women gave each other quizzical glances, but no one made any attempt to move forward and help. “Somebody help me, PLEASE?”

Finally, several of the guests unwillingly went to help her. With a look of disgust, Ms. Moo reached to remove the knife. At that, Ms. 24601 slapped Ms. Moo’s hand.

“Don't touch it. That's evidence.” Ms. 24601 reprimanded.

“Not for us! We have to find out who did this. We can't take fingerprints!” Ms. Moo snapped back.

“Who would want to kill the cook?” a somewhat panicked Ms. Unico cried.

“Dinner wasn't that bad.” Ms. Moo commented.

“How can you make jokes at a time like this?” Ms. 24601 questioned.

“It's my defense mechanism.” retorted Ms. Moo.

“Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next!” shouted Ms. 24601 in return.

An uncomfortable silence arose as the guests stared at Ms. 24601.

She cleared her throat and responded, “I said ‘if.’ ‘If!’ Hey, come on. There is only one killer here, and it is certainly not me.. .I don‘t think. . .Um, well, who had the dagger anyway? It was you, Psychy, wasn't it!?”

“Yes, but I put it down.” answered Ms. Psychy.

“Where?” Ms. Chocolate inquired.

“In the study.”

“When?”

“I don't know! Before I fainted, after I fainted, I don't know! But any of you could have picked it up.” exclaimed Ms. Psychy.

“I suggest we take the cook's body into the study.” the butler commented.

“Why?” asked Ms. Ecco.

“I'm the butler. I like to keep the kitchen tidy.”

All the guests struggled to pick up the cook and carry her to the study. As they staggered in to the doorway, Ms. Chocolate dropped the arm she was carrying and pointed to the study floor, “Look! The body's gone!” she cried.

All the rest of the women simultaneously dropped the cook in the doorway.

“What are you all staring at?” asked Ms. Psychy.

“Nothing . . .” answered Ms. Unico.

“Well, who's there?”

“Nobody. Bob’s body is gone.”

“Damn. She wasn't dead.” mumbled Ms. Moo. “We should have made sure!”

“How? By letting goats molest her, I suppose.” commented Ms. 24601.

“That wasn't called for. Besides, I told you, his death wasn‘t my fault.” Ms. Moo remarked.

“But where is Bob now?” inquired Ms. Ecco.

“Call her Ms. Unknown,” the masked butler pleaded.

“Maybe Bob killed the cook!” Ms. Unico exclaimed.

“Yes!” cried Ms. Psychy and Ms. 24601.

“How?” the butler asked, bringing them back to reality.

With a confused look on her face, Ms. Unico was at a loss for words.

Ms. Psychy gave a little huff and whispered to the maid, “Where is there a little girls' room?”

The beautiful blonde flashed a smile and told her, “The powder room is just down the hall to the right.”

“I don’t need to powder my nose, I have to. . .wee-wee,” explained Ms. Psychy. At that, she stepped over the cook’s corpse and ventured into the hall. As she opened the bathroom door, Bob, her head now bloody, fell on her. The other guests ran out into the hall when they heard the screams of Ms. Psychy.

“Bob’s attacking her!” screeched Ms. 24601.

“NO! She’s dead!” cried Ms. Ecco as she pulled the corpse off of Ms. Psychy.

“Ms. Unknown. Dead. Again.” commented the butler.

“Yahoo!” whooped Ms. Moo.

“I’m so happy. . .I feel lightheaded. . .like I’m going to faint.” Ms. Psychy stated.

“I’ll catch you! Fall in to my arms,” said the man with the white mask. But instead, she slipped through his circled arms and plopped on the floor.

Ms. 24601 eyed Ms. Unico and said, “You've got blood on your hands . . .”

“I didn't do it!” cried Ms. Unico.

“But if you’d done it, who could have told you that you were wrong?” Ms. Moo interrupted.

“Well, at any rate, she's certainly dead now. She has new injuries. These are some deep wounds,” concluded Ms. Chocolate.

“Was she dead before?” questioned Ms. Ecco.

“What's the difference?” asked Ms. Moo.

“That's what we're trying to find out! We're trying to find out who killed her, and where, and with what!” shouted the butler.

“There's no need to shout!” retorted Ms. Moo.

In an even louder voice, the butler shouted, “I'm not shouting!! All right, I am. I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shout--” At that point, the candlestick, which had been nestled above the bathroom door, fell and hit him on the head. He then fell to the floor.

The group returned back to the Study, dragging Bob and the cook.

“Okay, put the corpses on the couch. . .Ladies first,” commanded Ms. 24601.

The women all heaved the cook onto the couch as the butler entered, holding ice to his head. “Careful, don't get blood on the sofa.” he instructed them.

“How do we do this? The dagger will go further into her back.” observed the maid.

“Tip her forward, over the couch’s arm.” suggested Ms. 24601. The cook was then adjusted over, her arms hanging off the side.

“Now move Bob next to her on the couch,” directed Ms. 24601. After that was done, she continued, “Now. Who had access to the candlestick?”

“It was given to you.” Ms. Moo said as she pointed at Ms. Ecco.

“Yeah, but I dropped it on the table. Anyone could have picked it up. You . . .or someone else,” Ms. Ecco stated in defense.

The butler began to roam around the room and pick up the weapons that were absentmindedly lying around. “Look. We still have all these weapons. The gun, the rope, the wrench, and the lead pipe. Let's put them all in this cupboard and lock it. There's a homicidal maniac about!” exclaimed the butler as he locked the weapons in a conveniently located cupboard.

“What are you doing with the key?” asked Ms. Unico.

“Putting it in my pocket,” answered the butler.

“Why?” a suspicious Ms. Unico continued to question.

“Well, to keep it safe, obviously.”

“That means that you can open it, whenever you want,” Ms. Psychy included.

“But it also means that you can't.”

“But what if you're the murderer?” cried Ms. Psychy.

“I'm not,” the butler assured her.

“But what if you are?!” exclaimed Ms. 24601.

“Well, it's got to be put somewhere. If I've got it, I know I'm safe,” the butler stated.

“But we don't know that WE are!” bellowed Ms. Psychy.

“I've an idea. We'll throw it away!” concluded the masked butler.

The party agreed with synchronized nods.

The group dashed to the front door where the butler unlocked the door and prepared to throw the key out in to the pouring rain. But outside the door, was a man who ducked at the swinging arm of the butler. The butler quickly returned the key to his pocket. “So sorry sir. . .uh hem. . .Can we help you?”

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb the whole household, but . . .my car broke down out here, and I was wondering if I could use your phone.” the man replied.

“Just a moment, please.” responded the butler. The party huddled together to discuss the matter. The man looked extremely confused. After a little while, the group turned back to the man.

“Very well, sir. Would you care to come in?” “Well? Where is it?” questioned the man.

“What, the body?!” a panicking butler asked.

“The phone. . .What body?”

“Well, there's no body. There's nobody. There's nobody in the study. But I think there's a phone in the lounge.”

“Thank you.” replied the man as the butler lead him inside the lounge and showed him to the phone.

“When you've finished your call, wait here.” directed the butler. He then exited the lounge and locked the door behind him. Ms. 24601 came up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. The butler then yelled in fright. “Where's the key?” demanded Ms. 24601.

“In my pocket.”

“Not that key; the key to the cupboard with the weapons!” cried Ms. Chocolate.

“Do you still wish me to throw it away?”

“Yes!!” the women shouted.

The group went back up to the front door. The butler took the key from his pocket and threw it into the bushes. “Well. What now?”

Ms. Moo confronted the butler and told him, “You! Let me out.”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“We've got to know who did it. We're all in this together now.”

“If you leave, I'll say that you killed them both.” threatened Ms. Psychy.

Ms. Moo rubbed up against the butler. “Oh, I'll make you sorry you ever started this. One day, when we're alone together . . .” Ms. Moo said in a seductive voice. .

“Ms. Moo, no man in his right mind would be alone with you.” the butler replied.

“Well, I could use a drink!” commented Ms. 24601. She then went to the Study and peered inside. “Just checking.”

“Everything all right?” asked Ms. Ecco.

“Yup. Two corpses. Everything's fine.”

“All right, look. Pay attention, everybody.” demanded Ms. 24601 as she poured herself a drink. “Butler, am I right in thinking there is nobody else in this house?”

“Mmm, no.” replied the butler.

“Then there is someone else in this house?”

“No, sorry. I said ‘no,’ meaning ‘yes.’”

“‘No,’ meaning ‘yes’? Look, I want a straight answer. Is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no?”

“Um, no.”

“‘No,’ there is, or ‘no,’ there isn’t?”

“Yes.”

“Please!” an exasperated Ms. Moo cried as she broke her glass against the fireplace. “Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here?”

“Yeah!” Ms. Ecco agreed.

“How can we throw him outside in this weather?” questioned Ms. Chocolate.

“If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious.” Ms. Ecco pointed out.

“If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious.” Ms. Chocolate argued.

“If I were him, I'd be suspicious already.” Ms. 24601 concluded.

“Oh, who cares?!” Ms. Psychy cried out. “That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay, locked up for another half an hour! The police will be here by then, and there are two dead bodies in the study!!”

“Shhhh!” everyone told her.

“Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there's anybody else in this house.” continued Ms. 24601.

“I told you, there isn't.” the butler insisted.

“There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else?”

“Either. Or both.”

“Just give me a clear answer!”

“Certainly! . .What was the question?”

“Is there anybody else in the house?!”

“No!!” everyone shouted in unison.

“That's what he says, but does he know? I suggest we handle this in proper military fashion. We split up, and search the house.”

“Split up!” cried Ms. Psychy.

“Yes. We have very little time left, so we'll split up into pairs.”

“Pairs?” questioned Ms. Chocolate.

“Yes.”

“Wait a minute. Suppose that one of us is the murderer? If we split up into pairs, whichever one is left with the killer might get killed!”

“Then we would have discovered who the murderer is!”

“But the other half of the pair would be dead!” Ms. Psychy cried.

“This is war, Psychy! Casualties are inevitable. You cannot prepare breakfast without breaking eggs--every cook will tell you that.”

“But look what happened to the cook!”

“24601, are you willing to take that chance?” asked Ms. Unico.

“What choice have we?”

“None.” Ms. Ecco admitted.

“I suppose you're right.” added Ms. Moo.

“I suggest we all draw lots, for partners.” the butler said.

The party nodded simultaneously.